How to Get Your Feelings Heard Without Starting an Argument
Written by Kathy Ziola, CNVC Certified Trainer & Coach
Kathy Ziola, who holds a Master of Arts (MA), is the author of “Live Compassion,” a psychotherapist, communication coach, certified trainer with the international Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), and founder of Communication Works. With over 35 years of experience, she helps individuals and organizations strengthen relationships through compassionate communication and personal growth.
Imagine finally finding the courage to speak about something important. You say, “I feel ignored, as if you don’t even see me. I feel disrespected in this relationship.” The response is: “I do respect you. You just don’t speak up enough, and when you do, you’re always complaining. I can’t deal with your whining.” You took a risk by speaking honestly and vulnerably, hoping to strengthen the relationship. Instead, the other person became defensive, and an argument followed. You are left wondering, “What happened?”
Why the distinction matters
Feelings are different from judgments, evaluations, and thoughts. Yet people often use the word “feel” to express a thought. To the listener, that thought may sound like an accusation and trigger hurt, anger, or defensiveness. Thoughts and feelings influence each other, but when we want someone to understand what matters to us, blame, whether intended or not, can get in the way. The conversation then becomes a defense of positions rather than an exploration of the real issue. I have seen this pattern between business colleagues and couples: the wall between them grows, making it increasingly difficult to achieve mutual understanding and the harmony needed for the relationship to thrive.
How can I share my inner experience?
I recommend naming the emotions behind your inner experience, something the other person cannot dispute or defend against. In the example above, you might say, “When I offer a suggestion and it is met with silence followed by a new topic, I feel frustrated and disappointed because I value contribution and inclusion. I want to know that I matter in this relationship (group/partnership/team). I also want to be sure I communicated clearly. Would you tell me what you heard?”
You can thank the person and then invite their perspective: “Would you tell me what it is like for you to hear this?” This approach makes understanding and connection more likely than the interpretations in the original statement.
Move beyond blame so you can be heard
Watch for thoughts disguised as feelings, such as abandoned, betrayed, belittled, cheated, discounted, invalidated, manipulated, overworked, neglected, or ripped off. If a word implies blame, it is usually a thought rather than an emotion or physical sensation. When these thoughts arise, translate them into emotions or sensations and identify the underlying need or value. For example:
“When I think I have been cheated, I feel angry because honesty matters to me.” “When I think I have been abandoned, I recognize how much I value care and inclusion.” “When I think I have been betrayed, I feel hurt because integrity in our agreements matters to me.”
Use this list of emotion words to help name your feelings and the universal needs beneath them.
Express yourself responsibly
The examples above illustrate the inner translation to do before speaking. When you communicate, share the emotion and what matters to you rather than the judgment. You might say:
“I received 20% of the profit, although I remember agreeing to 50%. I feel surprised and disappointed because trust in our agreements matters to me. I’d like to understand what happened.”
“We planned our trip, I bought nonrefundable tickets, and now you have changed your mind. I feel disappointed and frustrated. I value predictability and care, as well as the companionship and fun I anticipated. Would you tell me what you heard me say?”
To express your feelings without provoking defensiveness, name emotions and sensations rather than thoughts disguised as feelings. Give it a try.
Build your skills with support
To learn more about this approach and other communication practices that foster meaningful connection, contact Kathy about an upcoming course or schedule a call to explore coaching and training options. Visit the Communication Works website.
Read more from Kathy Ziola
Kathy Ziola, CNVC Certified Trainer & Coach
Kathy Ziola, MA, is a certified trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication and has been immersed in the practice and teaching of nonviolent communication since 2005. Her passion lies in authenticity, living with presence and compassion, and helping others do the same. With over 35 years of experience as a psychotherapist, group facilitator, and healing arts professional, Kathy brings deep understanding and insight into human relationships and personal growth.
