Written by: Naomi Slater, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Many adults are living in sexless marriages. They are struggling to find that passion that they all so badly desire in their long-term relationships. This article offers insights into why passion has died in marriage and how you can reclaim your wild erotic energy through Tantric knowledge and exercises.
High rates of sexless marriage
Many adults are living in sexless marriages. Research has found that as many as one in seven marriages feature little to no sex! Many of these couples want to be having sex but there are a wide range of issues that are preventing a healthy sex life. Even for Gen Z, sexual intimacy seems to be on the decline and later on in life, a lack of sex in marriage correlates with diminished feelings of relationship satisfaction and affects the long-term health of aging adults.
Approximately 48% of men are struggling with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and 55% of women either lack interest in sex or have lubrication difficulties. Over 25% of these people never seek help from a health professional. These numbers are not encouraging, but there is so much that can be done to change the way that we feel about sex and improve our sexual function.
Why do couples stop having sex? What do Tantra and sex coaching have to offer couples who are struggling to maintain an intimate and passionate connection?
In this article, I will explain some of the common reasons why passion and sex dwindle in marriage, and I will provide some insight and ways to help you get your groove back on!
Common reasons the passion has died
1. Don’t prioritize intimacy
You have become so busy with your lives that you feel as though you have no time for intimacy and if you do have time, you are too tired. If you do make love, is it over quickly because you were racing to the finish line?
2. Your libido is low
You no longer feel the butterflies in your stomach, and you don’t feel the yearning for intimacy that you used to feel. Stress can be a major factor in preventing intimacy in your marriage – it is a serious libido killer. Things like hormonal changes, anxiety, depression, and trauma can also hurt your libido.
3. Lack of communication
A lot of couples don’t communicate authentically about their emotions, desires, and boundaries. When you don’t communicate about your feelings and what turns you on and what doesn’t, your intimacy will be mismatched. Maybe you don’t even know what you want, or you are holding on to some latent resentment – well exploring that and communicating it to your partner is a very important part of having healthy intimacy.
4. Lack of lovemaking skill
Unfortunately, many of us have not been properly educated in the art of lovemaking. Pornography perpetuates a warped view of intimacy and there is also a tremendous amount of shame surrounding this topic that prevents people from deeply exploring this part of themselves.
5. Sexual dysfunction and health issues
A lack of sex in the marriage can also stem from things like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, pain during penetration (vaginismus), lack of lubrication, trauma from childbirth, and seemingly unrelated health issues that directly affect libido.
Get the passion back through tantra couples coaching
Almost all couples that I meet struggle with maintaining passion and sex in their marriage. Even if you start out hot and heavy, at some point that initial fire will burn out if you don’t know how to stoke it! So many people make the mistake of thinking that the passion for sex should just be there. Well, from my experience if you want to maintain sex and passion in a long-term relationship you will need to work at it. If you were attracted to your partner when you began dating, you can oftentimes rekindle the passion in your relationship.
How can tantra help?
Tantra is an ancient Eastern Philosophy that encompasses tools to help us connect to ourselves more deeply and outlines a life philosophy that ultimately helps us to live in the present moment. It teaches us to move energy in the body and release trauma and limiting beliefs, all of which can directly affect our ability to embody healthy sexuality. When we learn to develop presence in life and bed, we can reconnect to our pleasure, passion, and power.
Insights and tantric exercises
Schedule a weekly tantric date: People often think that sex should always be spontaneous and that scheduling a date with your partner takes the fun out of it. Nothing could be farther from the truth – the date helps you get in the mood and shows both you and your partner that your intimacy is important. It is a beautiful ritual that creates an intention around prioritizing your intimacy.
Be proactive in maintaining your libido: Many people that I speak to think it is their partner’s responsibility to get them turned on. If this is your mindset you are giving your power away. Men and women should be doing self-love practices that teach how to self-source and keep erotic energy high. For women, the yoni egg practice is an amazing tool for increasing libido and has many other physical, mental, and spiritual benefits. For men, the semen retention practice can teach how to retain life-force energy and last much longer in bed.
Communicate your emotions and desires: Learn how to communicate more effectively – talk about emotions instead of trying to prove who is right or wrong when you argue. For many, identifying and valuing our emotions is the first step. If you don’t understand and value your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate them. More advanced is communicating our desires, fantasies, likes and dislikes. Where are my boundaries and how do I enforce them? All of this relates to our ability to understand our emotions and be effective communicators.
Learn new ways to make love
Tantra teaches us how to activate our energy so that we are self-sourced and not dependent upon our partner for sexual gratification and validation. It is through two whole and sexually charged beings that the deeper energetics of lovemaking can be revealed. Not only can you learn new positions, but you learn self-love practices, how to channel your energy, and how to remove the goal of lovemaking out of the act. There is no goal in Tantric lovemaking – it is through deepening our presence that we can intensify pleasure and passion.
Understanding sexual dysfunction from an energetic and emotional perspective
In a study, “The Relationship Between Emotional Regulation and Sexual Function and Satisfaction: A Scoping Review”, Fischer et al., 2022, it was found that in both sexes difficulties in emotional regulation correlated with negative sexual outcomes relating to both functionality and overall satisfaction. Furthermore, the study found that couples’ sexual problems should be addressed by focusing on the emotional regulation abilities of each individual, supporting the idea that emotional regulation training can help in the management of various sexual health disorders. They even went as far as to conclude that mindfulness-based approaches may enhance emotional regulation capacity, as they reinforce being in the present moment and not suppressing any emotion or intrusive and/or uncontrollable thoughts! Bam – Tantra in a nutshell!
Those who understand energy movement in the body know that our energy levels and their movement are directly related to our emotional world. To effectively awaken and move our erotic energy, we need to work with our emotions.
Taking the leap
So now what? If you are interested in beginning to explore Tantra with your partner, you can check out my free eBook for couples, “Tantra for Couples: Awaken Your Passion”, which can be found on the homepage of my website.
Naomi Slater is an experienced Intimacy & Relationship coach, yoga teacher, and bio-energy therapist. She is the creator of the 3-month online course “Awaken Your Desire” which has helped hundreds of women reclaim their wild and powerful divine feminine through yoni egg practices, emotional alchemy, meditation, and psychoanalytic tools and has also created a 6-week online course “Divine Couples” for couples on intimacy and intensifying attraction. Naomi’s passion is helping others heal their relationships and reclaim their power, pleasure, and passion.
Naomi Slater, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Naomi Slater is an experienced Intimacy & Relationship coach, yoga teacher and bio-energy therapist. She is the creator of the 3-month online course Awaken Your Desire that has helped hundreds of women reclaim their wild and powerful divine feminine through yoni egg practices, emotional alchemy, meditation and psychoanalytic tools and has also created a 6-week online course for couples, Divine Couples Tantra Course, on improving intimacy and intensifying attraction. Naomi is the host on the Divine Couplespodcast, where she explores conscious sexuality through monologues and guest interviews. Naomi’s passion is helping others heal their relationships and reclaim their power, pleasure and passion.
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