How to Be Okay With Not Being Liked and Finally Live Authentically
- Brainz Magazine
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Written by Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey is a counsellor, life coach, supervisor, and critical incident debriefer. She has spent two decades in this field and works with individuals, groups, and businesses.
When I broach this subject with my clients, the first reaction I always get is fear. Their eyes widen, their breathing quickens, and they start to fidget. And I get it. I was the same for many of my early years, people-pleasing, needing people to like me, and seeking external validation. Due to my abuse in childhood, where I had to face people who were so unkind to me, being liked was where I found my safety. If people liked me, then they would not hurt me, right? Wrong. It gave people a platform to use me, to take from me, and to keep me in a place of gratitude for their attention.
The roles that I learned were the carer, the giver, the fixer, and the problem solver. I was put into a box of my own making because I needed to feel safe. And I thought I felt safe for a lot of years, but the consequence of this was that I was overburdened, burnt out, and unfulfilled. I was suffering from chronic depression and ulcerative colitis, but I would still get up every day and go to work at my job as a carer. I wanted to be the “good girl” because I was filled with so much shame from the abuse that I had suffered. I thought that it gave me a sense of self-worth. I became so ill that I was hospitalized eleven times in 10 years. Each time that happened, I would work even harder afterwards to make up for the time that I had missed. I learnt nothing because I thought my job was to help people, no matter the cost to me.
It was not until I started my counselling training that I saw what was happening. I came into counselling because I wanted to help people (see the pattern?), and this is something that I am still so passionate about. But that does not mean that I must work myself to the bone and put myself last. This took me a while to realise, and I fought against it for a long time. The messages that I had received were so entrenched in me that I did not believe that it could be different. I was in therapy myself during my training. This is a requirement of any decent training provider. Through my own counselling and training, I started to see that the core beliefs I had were built on a false narrative. I did not have to people-please because I was safe now.
I would like to say that once I learnt this, my life became a bed of roses, but it did not. What I was then faced with was the reaction that I got from people who were used to me being a certain way. They did not like the fact that I started to say “no.” I was then labelled as difficult and too much. It was like they were saying to me, “How dare you?” This was my younger self’s ultimate nightmare. People don't like me. But they only liked me for what I could give them. This was a harsh lesson to learn, but it also gave me a sense of freedom. What I identified was that I did not like most of the people who were in my life, so I cut them out. This was one of the scariest things I had ever done. My circle is now small, and I only have a few trusted people in my life, but I have never been so happy and safe.
The truth is that people do to you what you let them. I am not saying that people are bad, because most people are good in my experience. But we all have a story, and some of us live our whole lives in survival mode. This can manifest in certain behaviours such as manipulation, gaslighting, self-centredness, and having to win at all costs. Being in survival mode can also produce behaviours that are at the other end of the spectrum. People pleasing, selflessness, and constantly needing to prove your worth to others. Some people do not even realise that they are behaving in this way, but many do.
What other people think of us is none of our business, and they have the right not to like us, as we have the right to dislike people also. It is just the way of the world. We are all so different, and that is a good thing. I have learnt that if people do not like you, it can be because you are holding a mirror up to them. Sometimes we will do whatever is necessary to avoid having to look inwards, and that may mean not liking you. Or it could just be that we have different morals, beliefs, and behaviours.
So, the 44-year-old me is vastly different from the 22-year-old me. I know that people do not like me, and I am ok with that. I have often been described as “marmite”. For the non-English readers, this is a salty product that you can put on toast. The slogan is you either love it or hate it. (FYI, I love it!) I am honest, I say what I think when I need to, I do not sugarcoat anything, I curse too much, and I call people out on their behaviours, and people do not like that. But I am living in my truth, and the people who are in my life love me for that. These are my tribe, and we all have them. We just need to find them. People who accept us for who we are, the ones who will have your back. People will like you, people do like you, but the change must come from you. Be your own cheerleader, have your own back. If that means saying “no” or “not right now”, then so be it.
So, next time you feel the need to be liked or to please someone, ask yourself these questions.
Do you like everyone?
Do you think on a planet of eight billion people that it is possible to be liked by everyone?
What is the worst that can happen if someone does not like you?
Are you living in your truth?
Finding the answers to these questions and doing any work that is necessary will be your path to freedom. Be brave. You are so worthy of love, kindness, and compassion, and deserve to be treated with respect.
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Read more from Jenny Hersey
Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey runs her own business, working with people to create a life that brings them purpose and joy. A victim of childhood abuse, she has since dedicated her life to helping others. She works internationally and has clients in different parts of the world as well as in the UK, where she is based. Jenny's mission is to educate people about the ability to heal themselves. She believes that everybody should have access to counselling and life coaching, no matter what their circumstances are.
