How Are We Bringing Up Our Sons?
- Aug 26, 2021
- 5 min read
Written by: Raeesa Mahomed, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
August is Women’s Month in South Africa and 9th August is Women’s Day. It is a day that commemorates a march by thousands of women in 1956, against an apartheid law that pertained directly to women. It is a month where we are bombarded with media messages about women’s rights and how one should honour women. The reality on the ground is that South Africa has one of the highest women abuse, rape and femicide statistics in the world.
Of course it is not uniquely a South African problem. This is a global shame. Women are abused by men (usually known to them, most often their partners) in every country in the world. Of course men are abused too, but the figures are dwarfed by the statistics of women.
Why?
And of course every year the same questions are asked. Why? What can be done? What is going wrong? We have noteworthy legislation protecting women, but implementation is dismal. And of course we ask, what kind of men unleash such heinous acts on women and (even worse) young girls. Men who are filled with rage and with hatred, with fear and contempt. Where does it come from?
Early programming
We know that most behaviours are learned when we are children, that most of our programming happens by the age of seven. And we know that values, beliefs, habits and behaviours are learnt from the environment in those early years. When a child is that young, the primary environment of influence is the home. So we have to seriously look at how we are bringing up our boys. What messages are they getting in those early years and indeed, even as they grow older into teenagers and adults? Enough studies have shown that abused children become abusers. A child will subconsciously do what is programmed into him or her, even if their conscious mind rejects it as being harmful. It takes therapy and reprogramming of a child’s mind to unlearn harmful behaviours that were instilled in early years.
It’s not just about ‘obvious’ abuse
Knowing this brings into acute focus how much work needs to be done into ensuring that the male child gets the right messages about females and how to treat them. This is not just about abuse. Of course, the chances of a male child growing up to inflict abuse on his female partner is increased if he witnessed his father doing it to his mother (and he did not get the necessary counselling or intervention). But it’s not just ‘obvious’ abuse – physical, or verbal abuse in the form of obscenities, insults, blaming or accusing. It’s emotional abuse like threatening, ignoring, manipulating, gaslighting and a whole host of other behaviours. More subtly, it’s a slew of patriarchal practices where the son is favoured or given preferential treatment purely because of his gender, or discriminating unfairly between sons and daughters on the basis of gender – one common example is expecting girls to do household chores while their brothers don’t. In many cultures, girls’ education is seen as less important to that of boys and even more concerning, sons are given more food or better quality food than daughters.
All the wrong messages
So abuse by men against women is systemic – couched in a history of social and cultural practices. All these practices are giving messages to both genders that boys are more important than and superior to girls. It teaches and emphasises male prerogative, it enforces male power over women. When these boys grow up, they will exert that male prerogative and assume that any woman who resists is being ‘difficult’ or defiant and needs correcting. For men who have been exposed to abusive behaviours that ‘correcting’ can take the form of abuse or violence. Resistance to sexual advances by a female may result in rape. And women who have been brought up with these values will accept their abuse as something they ‘deserved’; they will accept their inferior position as just the way things are, even if they are unhappy with it. They will think they provoked their abuse.
So what’s to be done?
So what’s to be done? Ensuring that we bring up our sons to respect women and to treat them as equal partners. Of course that is the ideal and this has been said countless times. It’s not happening in so many instances because reality is unfortunately ugly and complex. Parents are themselves struggling with a litany of problems and outside stresses, families are navigating complex problems and life is a series of challenges. Added to this, many cultures have deeply entrenched differences in gender roles which one cannot just dismiss as ‘backward’ and try to change – that will bring about a whole minefield of issues. However, there are universal values that should be unquestionable – the golden rule of ‘Do unto others…’. Teaching boys to respect all girls, that they do not have male prerogative and undoing all harmful patriarchal practices. Teaching boys that abuse is a no-no and that violence is never, ever an option. Neither is bullying, manipulative or threatening behaviour. Of course girls should be taught all this too, but it’s the scourge of women abuse that is of concern here and the fact that boys are learning the wrong lessons growing up.
And after we teach them what not to do, we will have to teach them what healthy behaviour is, gender specific and generally. We need to teach boys how to express disagreement and discontent, even anger without becoming hurtful or abusive. We need to teach girls how to express their needs and be more self confident and assertive. We need to teach both boys and girls how to deal with differences and conflict in relationships, how to express emotions, how to control their anger and set boundaries. And most of all how to love and care and be compassionate.
Even if parents don’t sit down and speak to their children about this, just leading by example is hugely effective. I go back to my earlier point about children absorbing what they pick up from their environment and implementing that in their behaviour. As parents we have a duty to fix ourselves and sort out our issues so that we can create healthy and conducive environments for our children.
A huge responsibility as parents
We need to be very conscious and aware of the huge responsibility we have when we bring a life into this world. Our future world depends on it. Let’s bring down those horrible statistics and do our best to create a better world for our children by how we raise them.
Raeesa Mahomed
Transformational Life Coach
Follow Raeesa on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, and visit her website for more information.
Raeesa Mahomed, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Raeesa Mahomed is a transformational life coach, broadcaster and her tagline 'Be the best you' aptly describes the results she gets with her clients. Raeesa has helped hundreds of clients remove negative programming from the subconscious mind and take them to a place of positivity and empowerment and, in so doing create the life they want. She comes from a decades-long award-winning international career in radio, TV, and film, and her path to deep self-reflection and life coaching began when she faced a life-threatening illness a few years ago. She now also helps others heal from disease by addressing their emotional health and spirituality. She is also a writer and motivational speaker.
