Habit Season
Written by: Fran Pedron, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“Hey – What’s wrong?” “OH – nothing.” “Are you sure?”
Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of this conversation?
As it continues you say or hear, “This just happened and I feel really crappy,” or “I’m so angry,” or “My heart is broken,” or “WHAT?”
It’s December, and this time of year people make changes. Whether a relationship ended, a new direction was taken, someone said no, or any number of things have occurred. Something has happened, and you are in disbelief—disbelief that racks you in pain.
You shake your head. You count off the obvious things “this” resembles. You go through your emotions and absolutely hurt. You don’t have answers and may not have a way to find out. All you see is IT—Betrayal!
What Exactly Is IT
Besides being an action, betrayal is a judgement, an expectation and a whole bunch of feelings! PubMed defines betrayal, as an intentional action or omission by a trusted person. IT results in distress and damages self-esteem. The outcome is shock, grief from loss, self-doubt, anger, and life changing decisions.
When the outcome is a disappointment, you heal rather quickly compared to the outcome of being betrayed. With betrayal’s pain front and center, your foundation is shaken. Who you are and your self-identity is at risk. To deal with this pain and start your healing process, consider choosing these steps.
Get in touch with your feelings and put acceptance into effect: identify and feel the emotions you are experiencing, as well as the event itself. These emotions include some or all of these—anger, sadness, disgust, shock, fear, confusion, loneliness, shame and guilt.
Don’t focus on revenge: revenge is negative and does more harm to you than who you are trying to punish. Instead, focus on improving your life and moving into your future.
Be honest about what happened and the person who did the event. Things hurt and not all betrayals are alike. Get clear on YOU!
How much does it hurt: depends upon the relationship’s intensity. Was this a close relationship and was this unexpected—did it occur outside of your definition of the who and the way?
Bring in outside talent: whoever you choose to become your confidante provides a fresh pair of ears and eyes. Make sure this is someone you trust and will give it to you straight even when it hurts.
Look at the big picture: reflect and meditate, avoid self-blame, acknowledge what occurred, accept it and think about what comes next.
Face your betrayer: if you can or if you can not—avoid bitterness, shouting, physical violence. Create a healing ritual, a ceremony releasing the event’s hold.
Make your boundaries crystal clear: these emotional and physical connections keep you safe, from being connected to the betrayal.
Put an emotional restraining order upon yourself: do not return to the event, emotionally or physically. Do not stay angry forever. Give yourself a safe space to reflect, calm down and heal.
Know when to walk away: respect yourself, love yourself—do not be masochistic and self-inflict action to bring about more pain. Move forward, and when the going gets tough, take a deep breath to slow your body’s response down, relax the self-communication, and take another step forward.
An Opposite Detrimental Approach
Self-judgement is the destructive action, which keeps you turning in circles. Judgement uses guilt-ridden definitions to make sense of others’ actions. They create a boundary between giving life to the betrayal and healing. They are also self-inflicted.
Ways we judge ourselves serves only to amplify the negative self-image and justify the betrayal’s existence. It’s that ridiculous standard—to do and be what you don’t expect of others. It allows you to beat yourself up over and over again, into a bloody pulp of existence.
Here are ways you judge yourself.
Hold ideas of who and where you think you should be – you blame yourself for not measuring up. Ask yourself, “Who did you learn this from,” to start the healing process.
Evaluate your worth based on performance and mistakes – you think you have to prove your value.
Self-acceptance is based upon false definitions – you define yourself how you think other’s see you.
Think you have to be perfect to be loved – without perfection, you fear being ostracized from any and all environments.
Beating yourself up is the needed motivation to do better – repeating learned patterns of existence to support self-judging behavior.
Become ridged with the definitions of: good, bad, right, wrong – and live according to the outward behavior.
Feeling bad about yourself feeds the addiction to the negative definition you hold – it’s a reward system, which keeps the self-judgement in place.
Healing Forward
Whenever you decide to head in a different direction, you must desire the best for yourself. Learning new behaviors take time. Building new habits take 21 days to establish and internalize. Hire a coach to guide you through the healing process and creating a new YOU-direction to follow.
Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity. – Hippocrates
Fran Pedron, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Fran Pedron combines intuiti on, education, and life experience to help clients understand their foundational self-definition, make changes and intention-purposed plans, which align with who they are as they create their desired outcomes.
Her experience in insurance, technology, accounting, communications, along with being abruptly downsized later in life, led her to understand how change affects people and their decision-making processes, along with the need to make decisions aligned with their authenticity.
Fran is the founder of Heart Driven Action, coaching and consulting. She is a certified Spiritual Coach, Mapping Strategist, certified in ThetaHealing, holding an M.A. in Journalism and B.S.B.A. in Business.
