Five Key Reasons Why You Are Not In A Relationship
- Brainz Magazine
- Nov 18, 2021
- 6 min read
Written by: Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When I was single and at the point of wanting a relationship, it still took me five years to end up with the man I now want to marry. Why did it take me so long? And does that mean it has to be that long for you?
To reassure you, it certainly doesn’t have to be this long for you. The reason it took that amount of time for me, is because I had a lot to learn. The phrase “Everything will happen at the right time” was true for me, but this is definitely easier to say in hindsight.
My journey began with a hefty breakup that I did not see coming. The fact that this completely took me off guard sparked the motivation within me, to do a deep dive into understanding relationships at the core. I ordered various relationship self-help books; signed up for a life event with a world-known coach and did online training on top of all that. Still, as mentioned previously, it took me five years from that moment in time and that was because: 1. I needed to gain awareness about my blockages, and 2. I did not work with a coach one-on-one until much later into my journey. Working one-on-one is much more powerful because the sessions are tailored to you. As soon as you find out what blockages are holding you back, you can begin to tackle those.
But for now, let's take a deep dive into the five blockages that hold most people back from attracting the love of their life:
1. Seeing yourself separate from love and strongly identifying with being single. For the longest time, I looked at other couples and envied them. I thought to myself: “They have something that I don’t”. Whenever I did that, I subconsciously reinforced my identity as a single woman. I was stuck in this identity because I wasn’t aware this was one of the reasons that were holding me back from attracting love. Only when I began to see other couples as my mirror and was happy for them, things began to shift within me. When I felt joy in my heart for the love that other couples had, what I began to say to myself was: “This is what I’m going to have. I am so happy for them”. And I still notice to this day that when I see couples I am delighted for them. In the past, when I heard of a couple break up, I felt comforted, because I wasn’t alone in my misery. I don‘t like to admit it, but it’s the truth. “Misery seeks company” is a very true quote. I completely understand that it is difficult to go from one extreme to the other. And I am not asking you to do that, but if this is something you catch yourself thinking, try to change it little by little. For example, there were couples I could easily be happy for and others I simply couldn’t. That is ok, we are all human. As long as you strive to change, you will do so little by little. Simply don’t give up.
2. Unprocessed emotions from previous relationships. If you haven’t properly grieved a past relationship, you can easily take this baggage with you on future dates or even into a new relationship. Friends used to say to me “Don’t cry about this guy, he didn’t deserve you”- which was very well meant, however it didn’t do me any favours, because I needed to cry. When someone says something like this to me now, I simply give myself permission to cry and grieve because I understand that negative emotions are just as much a part of life as positive emotions. Give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel as well as permission to seek help because we often think we need to do it on our own when we really don’t.
3. Our parent's relationship. Whether we like it or not, unfortunately, it is a fact that our parents or our closest caregivers, do build the first foundation of what we believe about the world as well as about relationships. In the first seven years of life, we download our “software” and we operate from the beliefs we’ve picked up. For example, if your dad was disrespectful to your mother, it is likely that you attract men who are disrespectful to you, simply because of the beliefs you have taken up as a child. This has nothing to do with what you consciously want, because our conscious mind holds 5% of the power, whereas our subconscious mind has 95%. You can see how the beliefs that are stored in your subconscious mind from childhood are so compelling. However, this information should not discourage you. Hypnotherapy is incredibly influential when it comes to changing your core beliefs that are not serving you well, alongside meditation and affirmations.
4. Worthiness. Believe it or not, most of us have to work on our worthiness beliefs, because one of the core fears that lie in almost all of us, regardless of what our childhood was like is “I am not worthy” or “I am not enough”. Most people have struggled with that sentence in their minds one time or another. The good news though is that regardless of whether you think you are worthy or not, as of today you can make a decision that you are worthy. Ultimately we are all worthy regardless of where we are born, in what circumstances we grew up or what our parents told us. Yes, all these things have had an influence upon us and possibly made us believe that we aren’t worthy, however, we can take that power back and decide that we are.
5. Confidence. After you’ve done the inner work, it still takes confidence to put yourself out there. After all, you might not feel like you want to go on dates with men you have never met before or be set up by someone you know. These new situations can seem daunting, but you simply cannot rely on someone knocking on your door. We as women often tend to expect the man to make the first move, but we shouldn’t. There are many good men out there that you could have an amazing future with, but they are too shy to make the first move. When I say you can step out of your comfort zone to go for the first step, I am not saying that you then make all the steps, hence you don’t need to organise all the follow-up dates. But that very first move can be crucial to get the ball rolling.
If you find yourself in one or more of these scenarios and you want to work through these challenges, don’t hesitate to contact me. I also have a podcast which is called “Change Your Love Life Forever”, which is a great source of information and a fantastic way to get to know me as a coach if you are on the fence about who to pick. Regardless of whether we work together or not, I do wish you the very best on your journey to love and that you will find your soulmate sooner rather than later! Much love, Melanie
Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Melanie Josephine is a leading expert in the field of dating and relationships. In her coaching practice, she actively helps women to bring clarity and light into a topic that may have been dark for years. After going through challenges in her own love life, she decided to research and figure out where she was going wrong. Her self help book “Love Life Simplified” won a New Apple Award in the category “Young Adult Inspirational” and she continues to write for Brainz Magazine as well as on medium.com. In her podcast “Change Your Love Life Forever” she regularly shares experiences and learnings on a vulnerable level. Before she settled down in the UK, she travelled the world as an international nanny and shared her learnings in her popular book “Rock Your Au Pair Year”. Melanie is a highly organised Nanny/ Carer PA with many years of experience in private households alongside her coaching and author activities. Her mission: to bring hope into peoples love life because there is someone for everyone!
