Filling in the Blanks and What Miscommunication Reveals About the Brain, Shame, and Leadership
- Apr 23, 2025
- 4 min read
Written by Susan Litwiller, Executive NeuroCoach
Susan Litwiller, is an executive coach with over 20 years of experience in leadership development and coaching. Susan specializes in serving the C-suite and helping executives achieve their personal and professional goals.
I once worked with a colleague who struggled with hearing loss. He wore a hearing aid, but it was clear that even with the device, he missed chunks of conversation, especially in group settings. Out of pride, embarrassment, or a desire to appear fully capable, he rarely asked anyone to repeat themselves. Instead, he filled in the blanks.
What began as a small personal challenge quickly created team-wide confusion. Multiple people were assigned to the same project without knowing it. Deadlines were missed. Tension crept in. The issue wasn’t poor intention, however, it was the brain doing what it always does when information is missing:
It guesses.
And often, it guesses wrong.
The brain can’t handle a gap
The human brain is wired for pattern recognition. When it encounters an incomplete message whether it’s a missing word in a sentence or vague body language in a meeting it tries to “close the loop.” This is part of a powerful mechanism called predictive coding, where the brain anticipates what should happen next based on prior experiences and emotional filters.
But here’s the problem: in communication, these guesses are not always based on fact, they are based on assumptions.
Assumptions, in turn, are shaped by bias, fear, memory, and past wounds.
So when we don’t hear something clearly…Or when a manager gives an unclear directive…Or when a team member (perhaps myself) zones out during a Zoom call…
The brain fills in the blanks. Not with truth, but with what feels true.
The quiet influence of shame
Often, the failure to clarify a misunderstanding has nothing to do with laziness or inattention. It has everything to do with shame.
When people don’t understand something such as a direction, a decision, or even the tone of a conversation they often don’t ask for clarification. Why?
It could be:
Because doing so can feel like admitting inadequacy.
Because vulnerability is risky in environments where competence is prized.
Because no one wants to look like they weren’t paying attention.
Shame creates a strong internal reaction that lights up the brain’s pain and threat centers. In that moment, it becomes safer (in the short term) to fake understanding than to say, “I missed that — could you repeat it?”
In leadership teams, this leads to what I call “silent divergence”, where people walk out of the same meeting with different interpretations and no one dares to speak up.
The neuroscience of miscommunication: A battle between logic and emotion
The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logic, reasoning, and executive function, is what ideally helps us pause and say, “I didn’t quite get that, can you clarify?” But the amygdala, the brain’s emotional watchdog, often gets the first word, especially when shame is triggered.
When someone fears they’ll look foolish, the amygdala flags it as a threat. This launches a self-protective response which is usually fight, flight, freeze… or fake-it.
That’s why someone might nod along even when they are unclear. Or why they take action based on assumption, rather than truth. It’s not a matter of intelligence. It’s the brain prioritizing emotional safety over cognitive accuracy.
Leadership is the antidote to assumption
Leaders often think their job is to cast vision and drive results. But in practice, one of the most powerful roles of a leader is to remove ambiguity.
That doesn’t mean being overbearing or micromanaging. It means creating a culture where clarity is more valued than ego, and questions are signs of strength and not weakness.
4 ways to disarm shame and rewire communication
Model clarity-seeking behavior. Say things like: “Just to make sure we’re aligned…” or “Let me repeat this back to you so I have it right.” When leaders show this habit, it becomes safe for others to do the same.
Make check-ins normal, not remedial. End meetings with: “Let’s go around quickly — what are your next steps from this?” This simple step reduces misinterpretation and levels the playing field.
Name the invisible challenges. Acknowledge that our own personal preferences and lens as well as other factors exist that can cause miscommunication and misunderstanding. Extend grace and practical tools and not brush over with silence.
Celebrate clarification, not speed. When someone speaks up to clarify, affirm them: “Thanks for asking — that was a great catch.” Over time, this reshapes the emotional wiring around asking questions.
Final thought
Most communication breakdowns aren’t about intelligence often they are about insecurity.
When we create environments where people feel safe to ask, clarify, and speak up, we don’t just prevent confusion we actually multiply capacity, trust, and effectiveness.
Because communication isn’t just about what’s said…… It’s about what’s understood.
Susan Litwiller, Executive NeuroCoach
Susan Litwiller, is an executive coach with over 20 years of experience in leadership development and coaching. Susan specializes in serving the C-suite and helping executives achieve their personal and professional goals.
Susan holds an Ed.S degree and an MBA, providing a deep understanding of both education and business. Her dissertation work focused on the impact of employee engagement and structural empowerment on workplace environments. This research provided Susan with a solid ability to gain insights into the drivers of employee motivation and satisfaction. Additionally, as a certified Master NeuroCoach, Susan applies the latest neuroscience research and techniques to help clients achieve their desired outcomes. She helps both individuals and organizations overcome barriers to success and reach their full potential.
As a leadership expert and strategy coach, Susan partners with clients to develop their leadership skills, enhance decision-making abilities, and increase emotional intelligence. Her approach is collaborative, supportive, and results-driven. She has a unique way of weaving brain science with leadership and management principles to create innovative solutions to today’s complex challenges.
