Extreme Listening and the Seven Layers of Questions
- 5 days ago
- 6 min read
David Fisher is an award-winning international speaker, executive communication coach, actor and author. Named one of LA Weekly’s “Top 30 Entrepreneurs to Watch” and a Top 10 Speaking Coach by Yahoo Finance, David brings over two decades of experience helping teams communicate and lead with passion, clarity, and intention.
Deeyah Khan calls it extreme listening and it’s an appropriate phrase. It is not easy to do, especially when tensions or disagreements are deeply rooted in emotions and belief systems. Extreme listening is extremely powerful. One of the greatest gifts we can give another is the gift of feeling heard. Feeling heard creates understanding and connection. We let the other person know they are important when we hear them on a deep level.
Behavioural psychologist and professor at Cornell, Vanessa Bohns, states in her book “You Are More Influential Than You Think” that there is a law of reciprocity. Although this can go beyond communication, if you give the gift of someone feeling heard by you, they in turn will have the desire to also truly hear you. There are narcissistic individuals in the world who may not recognize this, but for most people, when you allow someone else to feel heard, they are more likely to hear you too.
Deeyah Khan does this with white supremacists. Deeyah Khan, a child of Pakistani and Afghani parents, is clearly an outsider amongst right wing hate groups. Yet she says this “Hate is a disease that can only be cured through love and understanding.” and “The path to peace begins with understanding and dialogue, not violence and hatred.”
In her podcast interview with Simon Sinek, “I've never had a conversation like this.” He, a Neo Nazi leader, said, “I've done so many interviews and I get to be the big, bad Nazi in all of those interviews, which are considered very successful interviews for me. Typically, they go two ways. One is either I get to dominate the interviewer and so I win, or the interviewer basically puts me in a corner and so then I get to continue with my victim story. So I went either way, ‘I win.’” He said this went somewhere else. He said nobody has been willing to listen and nobody has shared with me how they feel. He said, “I don't quite know why, but I would like to continue talking.”
How do we make an impact? We listen more than we talk. What Deeyah does is brilliant. By deeply listening, she gains trust. But she also does not let them off the hook. She is clear that she disagrees with them, and she calls them out on their hate. Watching a white supremacist squirm at a difficult question confronting their beliefs and not get defensive or angry only comes from first building trust and connection. More than one hate group leader has turned toward peace by talking with her because they realize they cannot like her and stay in their belief system of oppression.
Here is a good way to do it that is born from my communication experience and my time spent in improv and acting classes.
Introducing The Seven Layers of Questions
A conversation I had while doing a workshop recently went like this. A brave volunteer came up to join me on stage in front of several hundred people to answer my questions. A brave soul for sure. I will call her Maria.
Me: Nice to meet you.
Maria: Nice to meet you too.
Me: May I ask you some questions? Good to ask permission.
Maria: Yes.
Me: What do you hope to learn from this workshop today?
Maria: I want to communicate with others better at home and work. Sometimes I get nervous in meetings or difficult conversations.
Me: So there is some anxiety when conversations go deeper or become complicated? Maria
Yes. I find I get nervous and clam up.
Me: Tell me more about that.
Maria: Well, I have teenage kids, and you know, sometimes they talk back, and then I just react rather than really listen and that usually ends in an argument.
Me: So your emotions get heightened. What does that feel like for you?
Maria: I feel my heart racing, and my brain gets foggy. What I am learning here so far is really helping.
Me: Tell me about your kids. It is grammatically a sentence, but it really is a question. Maria
She tells me about her kids.
Me: Thank you for sharing that. I smile. I can see that your emotions with your kids also transfer to feelings at work. Can you tell me more about that?
The conversation keeps going for seven questions. At any question, I could jump in and share my experiences, but I do not. I ask another question. One true moment that could have derailed me from asking more questions was when Maria brought up her teenagers. It would be very tempting for me to say, “Oh, I have teenagers too and let me tell you about mine.”
If I do that, I will steal her story. I take away her energy. I take away the gift I give her of feeling heard. So instead of sharing my story, I ask about hers. If this were a casual conversation that went longer, I would have circled back when her story seemed complete and brought up my kids, but for now, this is her moment to shine and feel heard. Eventually, she will ask about my kids, or there will be a pause to reflect and return to share other stories, but for now, the spotlight is on her. Maria is feeling heard. There is also a commonality and connection point I can come back to later. The difference is that this now feels like a connection and not a competition. Instead of saying, “Oh, your kids let me tell you about my kids,” I went deeper with her.
Three points of wisdom here
If it starts feeling like an interview or an interrogation, stop asking. Share a common story or go another direction. If they are asking you many questions too, that is great. Make sure you stay balanced. Allow them to ask some questions, but circle back and go deeper. “Hey, I know you mentioned a minute ago about your teens, tell me more about them.”
If they never ask you a question, decide if the exchange of energy is worth it. It is okay to politely end the conversation.
I was at a Frank Turner concert by myself when a man about my age came up to me and struck up a conversation. I appreciate that, as I am sometimes too shy to connect with strangers, even though I teach this stuff. After about ten minutes of asking him questions and him sharing stories, I realized he had never asked me one question about me. Not one. As an experiment, I wanted to see how long it would take. I started to tease out information to see if I could pique his curiosity.
“I was a film actor.” “I travel the world doing public speaking.” “I tried to play guitar once.”
More often than not, these provoke questions from others because people want to know more. He never bit. Twenty five minutes later, the concert started, he left, and he had never asked one single question about me. For me, this was a fun experiment, but not a collaborative conversation. All my energy was focused on him and nothing was reciprocated.
However, when there is balance, it is a profound experience between two people. You will continue to go deeper and connect more strongly with each other. It is a dance where both of you are leading. Although there is an occasional stepping on the toes, a grace and elegance synergize the hearts and minds of two people. I have seen and experienced humans of different ages, religions, political beliefs, cultures and even language barriers begin to form strong bonds with each other.
At the heart of it all, most of us have the same fears, hopes, joys, and passions. We all want the world to be a better, cleaner, safer place. It is significant how deep these feelings can take you.
Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of The Science of People, has numerous studies and tips on having great conversations. If you want to know how to start a conversation, ask good questions, and just as importantly, how to end a conversation, look at her work.
Reflection time
Write down some good conversation questions. You cannot ask “What do you do for a living” or “How are you.” Get creative.
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Read more from David Fisher
David Fisher, Global Public Speaker and Communication Coach
Through A Culture of Us™ David Fisher teaches companies, institutions, and everyday leaders how to work with passion, communicate with clarity, and lead with intention, all toward strengthening their connections to create positive change, while having fun along the way. His keynotes, workshops, coaching sessions, and trainings are not just about bettering communication and leadership, they are about genuine transformation. His approach is simple: A Culture of Us™ helps each of us tap into the hero within, and use that power toward working with others and leading with vulnerability and strength.
