EQ and IQ, and the One Thing Smart Men Get Wrong About Both
Daryl Henderson is a master coach, facilitator, and artist known for blending spiritual traditions, shadow work, and leadership training. He is the co-founder of Odyssey of Man, the creator of True North Coaching, and the founder of One11, a health & wellness brand.
It’s 5 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon. The sun is hanging low in the autumn sky, casting its nostalgic long shadows in a warm, glowing light. The grapefruit tree above is bursting with fruit, ready to be picked and delighted in. I’m standing there, looking up at all the beauty… fuming with anger.
My partner had just told me that I was wrong about her flirting with someone else, and I just couldn’t let go of being right about it. I saw it with my own eyes… didn’t I? Over and over, I repeated the scenario in my head and came to the same conclusion: I was definitely right, and, even further, she just couldn’t admit it. The problem was that we’d run through this same argument in different versions time and again. So much so that it just seemed normal.
But now I see that it was normal. For the world of angry, righteous men that I grew up around and watched on television, this was completely normal. The problem is that it turns out that all those guys who had it all together, had all the women and the success, are totally full of themselves and completely out of touch with a world where emotional competency and compassion are actually the currency of a happy life.
At this point, I’ve been deep in the world of personal development for the last two decades, and I keep coming back to the same thing over and over. It’s about the simplest definition of emotional intelligence I’ve got.
You need to be able to be wrong. Otherwise, you’re just right all the time, and that’s not very intelligent. Someone once told me, “You can be right, or you can be alone.” I know that sounds almost too easy. Sit with it for a second, though, because it moves in a direction most people don’t expect or know what to do with.
Ask almost any man whether he’s emotionally intelligent, and he’ll tell you yes or look at you sideways like he has no idea what you’re talking about.
Let’s say you get a yes. Then ask him when the last time was that he was actually wrong about something that mattered. Not a wrong turn, a bad restaurant pick, or forgetting to pick up something at the grocery store. What I’m talking about is being wrong about a person, a situation, or himself in a way that cost him his pride and required him to admit he was wrong.
That’s the real measure because emotional intelligence is really about awareness, not actual knowledge or what we have typically considered “intelligence” in our Western world. Intelligence quotient (IQ) measures cognitive abilities such as logical reasoning, memory, and problem-solving, whereas emotional quotient (EQ) relates to the ability to understand and manage emotions in yourself and others.
I say that admitting you’re wrong is one of the true tests of emotional intelligence because it brings up some of the most difficult emotions for humans, especially men. The biggest of them are usually shame, embarrassment, and the worry that you’ll be shunned by your family, tribe, or community. The feeling is often not just that you did something wrong, but that you ARE fundamentally wrong in a way that is unfixable. So this one, in particular, is a good gauge of how emotionally intelligent you actually are.
So, when was the last time you admitted you were wrong?
Why this gets harder the smarter you are
The most intelligent people I know question things. They ask what’s actually going on here. They look at it from a few different angles, and they genuinely consider that something else might be happening besides what they assumed was going on. A mind that cannot be flexible and admit its errors is not a smart mind. It’s a locked one, and there’s a very big difference, even though, from the outside, they can look identical for many years.
The part that tends to sting a lot of egos is discovering that the higher your IQ, the worse your EQ tends to be. Even more so if you’re a high earner.
Because if you’ve been the smartest guy in the room since you were nine years old, being right isn’t a thing you do. It’s a thing you are. It’s how you got attention, how you got approval, how you got out of trouble, and probably how you built your entire career, with all its accolades and success. Ask a man like that to be wrong in front of people, and you’re not asking him to change his mind. You’re asking him to give up the only reliable source of self-worth he’s ever had… right?
So he doesn’t. He learns to argue better instead. He manipulates and makes it look like he’s doing the right thing, even when, deep down, he knows he’s not. He gets very, very good at it. We all know the type.
What the research actually says
Now, the data on this has been piling up for a while, and I believe it points to some very clear patterns.
TalentSmart’s research found that emotional intelligence accounts for something like 58 percent of job performance and that 90 percent of top performers score high on it, while 80 percent of low performers don’t. Daniel Goleman studied nearly 200 large global companies for the Harvard Business Review and found that IQ and technical skills absolutely matter, but that they are the entry-level requirements for executive positions. They get you in the door. What separates genuinely effective leaders once they’re through it is emotional intelligence.
Read that again because it describes a sneaky trap that I think ensnares a lot of well-meaning souls.
Oftentimes, the very intelligence that earned you recognition and success in the first place ends up becoming the roadblock to maintaining your success. Most men never notice the subtlety right in front of them, so they respond by doing more of what worked before. They do more analysis and continue to remain steadfast in being right more of the time. They try to work harder, faster, stronger, and better than everyone else. We know that this is only effective for a little while, and then burnout sets in, forcing you to slow down and reevaluate your entire life. Enter the midlife crisis.
But it’s not all so grim. There’s a 2026 piece in Forbes making the case that adaptability is the next frontier beyond both IQ and EQ. Adaptability is defined as how quickly a person can learn, unlearn, and recalibrate when conditions change.
Unlearning is the whole ball game when it comes to adapting, and you cannot unlearn anything without first being willing to acknowledge that you were wrong about it.
So, the newest thinking on this and the oldest thinking on this arrive at the same place, which is usually a good sign that you’re near something true.
What emotional intelligence is not
Let me clear some things up here because this term has been beaten into a mushy pulp so much that most people don’t even know what it means, much less what it consists of.
We’ve established that being emotionally intelligent isn’t about getting it all right and trying to be perfect all the time. It’s also not about making sure nobody ever gets their feelings hurt. You will upset people. That’s a fact of life. Avoiding that fact or constantly trying to avoid it isn’t emotional intelligence. That’s management, specifically the management of other people’s comfort at the expense of anything real ever getting said.
It also isn’t the same as being “nice.” We all know the stereotype that if you show emotion, compassion, and kindness, you’re a “nice guy,” and “nice guys finish last.” This is one I’ve had to reckon with myself, and after years of beating myself over the head with this belief, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s 100 percent utter hogwash. Malarkey, and a total BS narrative perpetrated by patriarchal structures that have done an immense disservice to women and men alike.
The truth is, I’ve met extremely nice men with no emotional intelligence at all who had simply learned that agreeableness keeps everyone calm, and they never once examined what they were actually feeling underneath it all. Honestly, these guys scare me a little. Not because there’s anything obviously dangerous about them, but because everything they’ve never once looked at is still in there, and it always comes out sideways eventually, usually on the people closest to them.
EQ also isn’t about being able to read other people well. There are scores of manipulative people who read rooms beautifully. I call them politicians, anywho. Reading a room is a skill, and it isn’t a virtue. Confusing those two is how a lot of charming men end up doing a lot of damage over the years.
What EQ actually is
It’s about being authentic and real and not directing our blame and anger at other people irresponsibly.
That’s it. That’s the whole kit and caboodle, and actually living this is much harder than any of the stuff we usually put under this heading.
For example, if you’re angry about something, the first thing you should do is look in the fucking mirror. Especially if that anger feels uncontrollable or like it’s boiling up inside of you. That’s your first sign that what’s coming up is connected more to your past and unresolved issues than to what’s happening in the present moment. Anger that comes from the present can be directed and communicated respectfully. If you can’t do that, it’s time to look at yourself before saying anything to someone else.
That’s not to say you won’t get angry. You will. I still do, and I’ve got a lot of feelings generally. Anybody who tells you the goal is to stop having them has never actually done this work.
But when you get angry and it harms someone or causes an upset, you have to clean it up. Do the best you can. Be responsible for the impact of your words and actions. That’s emotional intelligence at its best, and honestly, that’s human beings at their best. Fallible as can be, but willing to stand accountable for our words and actions.
For me, it comes down to this. I know that I’m a fallible man, and I will never be perfect. I know many of my shadows, I accept my shadows, and every so often, I still turn up a new one. But I meet them with as much grace and humility as I can because they are my greatest teachers. So I meet them, sometimes in terror, but I meet them. If I have caused people pain along the way, I acknowledge it.
For the record, this doesn’t always mean having to do this with the person you hurt. There are times when their anger and pain are blinding, and no matter what you say or how many times you apologize, they can’t hear you. That’s their work, not yours.
That’s the practice. It’s very simple, but it’s probably one of the most challenging and worthwhile things you can ever take on if you wish to have better relationships in your life. That, by the way, turns out to be one of the key markers of happiness. Not accolades and money. Relationships. That’s where the real wealth of life lies.
The question to ask yourself before you speak
Here’s the one I use in difficult conversations, and it has saved me more times than I can count.
Before the sentence leaves your mouth, ask whether you’re speaking your truth or whether you’re just irritated and need to get something off your chest. Those two things can feel absolutely identical from the inside, and they are not the same thing at all.
If the answer is that you’re just getting something off your chest, then stop. Shut your mouth and wait. A day, a week, a month. It doesn’t matter. Wait until your perspective shifts enough to see what the other person might be going through and what it is you feel you need to get off your chest. Just waiting can often resolve the issue, and if it doesn’t, approach the conversation with clarity and respect.
Then ask three more questions… and ask them slowly. Is it true? Has this always been true? Or did I just make it up somewhere along the way and never check?
Honestly, I’m tired of living in a world where people throw slander around like it’s candy, and a lot of that comes from men who have never once run their own sentences past those questions before firing them at somebody. It’s time for us to be more accountable for our words instead of blindly and falsely accusing others of things that, once said, cannot be taken back. Remember that what you put out will eventually come back to you, so speak carefully.
Now the part nobody really wants to say
There’s a version of teaching emotional intelligence going around that is really just being sincere and compliant, dressed in a nicer outfit. It says to absorb everything, regulate yourself endlessly, and do your best not to say anything that upsets anyone else. If you do, you’re the problem. Make sure the other person always feels fine.
That isn’t the source of EQ either. I’d go even further and say it’s the version most likely to get a man badly used. There are scores of internet chat rooms filled with men who tried to be nice guys and got trampled on.
I am a peaceful man, but I am a warrior at heart. Many mistake kindness for weakness, but that would be a mistake. Most people know not to cross me, as they will be met with my direct response.
Real accountability runs in both directions, or it isn’t accountability. It’s just you doing all the work while somebody else does none. If a person is not willing to hold themselves to the same standard they’re trying to hold you to, then the emotionally intelligent move is not to keep absorbing it and calling that growth.
The emotionally intelligent move is to step back. You live your life, I’ll live mine, and we can agree to disagree. If that doesn’t work, then the move is to respectfully remove yourself from that person’s life, lest you continue to subject yourself to their lack of respect.
This isn’t a failure of your practice. It is the practice, and it took me an embarrassingly long time to work that out.
A man who can be wrong is not the same animal as a man who can be walked on, even though, from a distance, they can look almost identical… The difference is that one of them is choosing it, and the other one has simply run out of ways to say no.
So what do you do with this?
Choose to be wrong on purpose, on small things where it costs you almost nothing. Say, “Actually, you’re right. I hadn’t thought about it that way,” out loud, in front of somebody, this week. It might sting at first, but that tells you something about how much you’ve been protecting.
I do this all the time with my partner. If I’m wrong about something, I literally say, “You’re totally right. I’m wrong, my love. Sorry about that.” You will get serious brownie points for this, by the way.
Next, separate the feeling from what’s actually going on. You can be furious and still not take it out on the nearest person. Those are two separate things, and most men have only ever experienced them as one. The first is the emotional response, and the second is simply the facts.
Clean it up faster. The gap between doing the damage and acknowledging it is the whole game. Not whether you cause damage, because you will, but how long you let it sit. That is what makes the real difference. The faster you repair, the better you get at it and the less time upsets last.
Choose to have people in your life who will question you and tell you when you’re wrong. Choose people who truly love you for who you really are, warts and all. That is a rarer combination than it sounds and worth more than any course you’ll ever buy.
The question
I don’t have this handled. I want to be straightforward about that because it would be very easy to write a piece like this from a chair marked “expert,” and then I’d be lying.
I still get it wrong all the time. I still catch myself building the case for my own position while somebody is mid-sentence. I still have days when I’d rather win the exchange than understand the person, and on some of those days, I do win it. The winning always tastes like nothing about an hour later, when I realize the harm it caused. Then I have to humble up… again.
The difference now is only that I notice sooner and clean it up faster. That’s it. That’s the whole improvement over twenty years, and I’ll take it because that means far less of my life is spent upset.
So here’s what I want to leave you with.
Your IQ got you here, and it isn’t going to get you the rest of the way. What gets you the rest of the way is the willingness to be a fallible man and admit it, over and over again, in front of people whose opinions of you actually matter.
Can you stand by what you say, knowing deep in your heart that it might be harming somebody? Are you willing to find out you were wrong about it?
That’s the question. Nobody can answer it for you, which is exactly why so few of us ever do.
See you on the other side.
I want to hear about this one. When were you last wrong about something that mattered, and what did it cost you to say so? Leave a comment below or reply to this email. I read everything.
Read more from Daryl Henderson
Daryl Henderson, Transformational Facilitator & Creative Visionary
Daryl Henderson is a master coach, facilitator, and artist with over two decades of experience blending creativity, men’s work, and spiritual practices. He has photographed top brands and artists worldwide, including Nike and Michael Kors, and documented indigenous and peace gatherings across the globe. Drawing on this experience, Daryl guides high performers, artists, and businesses to express their stories through soul-aligned photography, branding, and personal transformation. He is the co-founder of Odyssey of Man, the creator of True North Coaching, and the founder of One11, a health and wellness brand. His work is playful, transformative, and designed to unlock authentic expression.
