Do You Live By Default Or By Design?
Written by: Natalia Jansen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Does this sound familiar? You find yourself daydreaming and journaling about how you wish things would be different. You muse about what you would love to do, and you keep trying to figure out a way how to get there. The problem is wishing, hoping, and thinking doesn’t do anything. Hoping and wishing energy is weak. It’s energy that gets used up and only gives you a temporary lift, so you don’t feel so low. If you don’t make a real committed decision and don’t take any action, it’s nothing but a waste of your life’s energy, purely an act of mental entertainment.
I used to wish and hope for years. My moment of clarity came as I was sitting in my bedroom, looking in the mirror, and I noticed a number eleven frown seared into my forehead. As I leaned in to take a closer look at my face, I noticed more lines around my eyes, mouth, and neck. I realized I have become the person who’d say: “I’d love to do that someday!” I became a “someday” person. I was 40 years old by then, and that day it dawned on me. There is no such day on the calendar. It’s an excuse to avoid making a decision and taking a chance on my dream. The dream I had when I was still in college was to be a person who makes things happen, who lives life full out, a person who doesn’t let anything or anyone stop her from doing what she wants. That person got lost in her busy, muted, single-mom life. I realized, I felt comfortable and safe in my familiar little world. Even though I felt unfulfilled and dissatisfied, sometimes even miserable and lonely, I played it safe. I played small. I used my daughters and my single-parent responsibilities as an excuse. I was afraid to truly live my life. I was afraid to take the risk to pursue my dream. I was afraid to bet on myself. Fear was keeping me stuck in the safe zone, the home of the familiar. I was living by default. Reacting to what happened, looking for blame out there, feeling stuck and powerless, and waiting for circumstances to change. That day, sitting in my bedroom and looking in the mirror, I thought, what am I doing?
Someday is never going to come. Every day I am getting older, and I am still waiting for the right time to start living my “real life”. That’s when it hit me. THIS IS MY REAL LIFE! And I am wasting it. All I do is work long hours, barely making enough to cover the bills. I drive my kids to their activities after school, and in the evening, I watch fictional characters on the screen live exciting adventures, because I am too tired to do anything else. I know many of you can relate. This is not what I had dreamed my life would look like. I wanted more, much more out of life. What was I waiting for, anyway? Right time? Something to change? How could anything change if I was doing the same thing every week? Then I heard this voice: “Natalia, you have settled for a supporting role of a “tired single mom.” Then the voice said, “Natalia, wake up! No prince charming is going to show up at your door to rescue you. No one else knows you are miserable, but you.” I thought,“ You are right!” I felt panic rise up in my chest, and I was about to cry, but then I thought, “No! I can’t waste another minute.” And that’s when I finally made a decision. I decided to rescue myself, take the lead; be my own hero. I had no idea how yet, but I decided I wasn’t going to say yes to anything unless it was what I truly wanted. That’s when I discovered I didn’t really know what I wanted. That’s a problem most people face as they become adults and various life events occur. In the many years of research and study of personal development, which was the thing that kept me sane and moving forward for years, it’s become apparent, that most people never take the time to figure out what they want their life to look like. They may have had a plan when they went to college, or an idea of what they wanted to do when they were young.
Those ideas are often heavily influenced by what our parents want or think is best for us, what our teachers and counselors advise us to do, or what we see as a trend in the media or society as we mature. In other words, they live by default. They are just reacting to what happens in habitual and condition-based common responses. Very few people take the time to look deep inside their own souls and figure out what they truly want. What would make them feel truly alive? These are the people who live by design. In order to create a balanced and successful life, you must choose to live by design. Designing your life begins with knowing what you want and creating that vision vividly in your mind and on paper. As long as there is breath in your lungs, you are creating life.
Life is always seeking means of moving forward, always seeking to express more of itself through all living organisms – including you. The way life’s energy communicates with you is through feelings. Notice what you don’t want, what makes you upset, irritated, or frustrated, those are the discontents in your life. Notice them. Get curious and ask what lesson they are bringing you. Longings, on the other hand, are the desires, wishes, and dreams waiting to be expressed through you. Notice those too. That is the first step. Notice what you want and what you’d prefer not to have in your life. Noticing means becoming aware of things we tolerate. Putting up with those little annoyances that drain our energy and pull the focus away from what we want is draining our precious life force that could be used more productively in pursuit of our longings. The great news is, that it doesn’t matter how long you have been feeling stuck or afraid to build your dream and really go for what you want. The spirit, the real you, is timeless and physical age doesn’t matter. What matters is your desire and willingness to take action, however small, but consistent everyday action. Being a single mom was not my plan, but it’s not a stop sign for me anymore, it’s a qualifier. Every obstacle you face is simply a curriculum for your personal development and growth into becoming who you truly are.
To create a life by design, you must answer your longing by taking action. One small step starts moving the energy in the right direction. However big or small the desire, it’s unique to you and it’s tugging on your heart because it longs to be fulfilled. Try an experiment with your life. Instead of wishing and hoping, identify one of your desires and take action on it. Take one step that will get you closer to fulfilling that desire, and see how much more alive you will feel.
Natalia Jansen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Natalia combines her rigorous certification training with Brave Thinking Institute by Mary Morrissey, her 20 years of experience as an educator and theatre artist with her passion for personal development and spiritual transformation to her mission to teach women ‒ especially single moms ‒ to embrace their spiritual nature, re-ignite their dreams, take charge of their life, and design the life they truly love living.
