Being You, Not Them – How Comparison Blocks Authenticity and Closes the Happiness Gap
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 27
- 5 min read
Paul Corke is an executive coach, author, speaker, and is considered to be a leading expert on mindset, leadership, and innovation. and is also the Managing Director of Paul Corke International, an innovative Executive Coaching business. He previously spent 25 years in the corporate world with award-winning results, specializing in organizational effectiveness, coaching, employee engagement, talent management, and leadership development with experience in the UK, Ireland, Europe, the US, and the Middle East.
In a world flooded with curated lives and public-facing success, it's easy to mistake appearance for authenticity. Social media, advertising, and peer pressure all encourage us to keep up, often at the cost of our own truth. We buy the house, the car, the clothes, we holiday in the ‘right’ places and dine where everyone else is seen, not always because it aligns with who we are, but because of how it looks from the outside.
But here’s the question that cuts through the noise, If no one was watching, would you still choose it?
This article explores how comparison, judgment, and unrealistic expectations can block our authentic path and create what psychologists call the happiness gap, the distance between how we’re living and who we truly are.
Why comparison disconnects us from ourselves
We all compare. It’s human. But when comparison becomes habitual, it erodes the space for self-trust and intuitive living.
Social Comparison Theory (Festinger, 1954) suggests we constantly measure ourselves against others to evaluate our worth. But upward comparison, looking at those who seem to be doing “better,” often leaves us feeling inadequate, even if our lives are objectively full.
Authenticity, defined as living in accordance with our true values, is one of the strongest predictors of wellbeing. When we live by someone else’s script, we sacrifice peace for performance.
The question “If no one was watching, would I still do this?” is a powerful tool. It pulls us back to intrinsic motives—what we want, not what we believe will impress others.
And when we live for show, we often lose our centre, drifting from joy, purpose, and presence.
Letting go of the performance
Organisational example: A tech company breaks the comparison cycle
A global tech firm noticed a culture of internal one-upmanship, flashy company cars, high-end offices, and constant productivity metrics. It looked successful, but beneath the surface, morale was low and burnout was high. The leadership posed a question, If no one outside the company was watching, would we still operate like this?
The answer was no. They stripped back status symbols and re-centred the culture on contribution, not comparison. In 12 months, internal surveys showed a marked rise in wellbeing, authenticity, and collaboration.
Lesson: When organisations encourage “keeping up,” authenticity disappears. When they support internal alignment, people thrive.
National case: A country redefines success
In a small European country with growing dissatisfaction despite rising incomes, a national campaign invited citizens to ask, “Would you buy it if no one else saw it?”
Debt, social pressure, and burnout were rising—not because people lacked resources, but because they were trapped in the cycle of comparison-driven consumption.
The public initiative, focused on values-led living and personal reflection, helped reduce household debt and increased national wellbeing scores within three years.
Lesson: Cultural narratives built on comparison can fuel collective unhappiness. But when societies encourage reflection and realignment, people return to what truly matters.
Choosing purpose over performance
1. Jim Carrey – Rejecting the Hollywood script
At the peak of his career, Jim Carrey was a household name with fame and fortune. Yet he described feeling empty.
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.”
He retreated from major film roles, explored art and spirituality, and began speaking openly about ego, identity, and the illusion of success. External success doesn’t equal internal fulfilment. Authenticity may require letting go of what everyone else considers “winning.”
2. Keanu Reeves – Humility over hype
Despite global fame, Reeves lives simply, often taking public transport, avoiding luxury excess, and quietly donating to causes he cares about.
“Money is the last thing I think about. I could live on what I’ve already made for the next few centuries.”
He rarely courts attention and is often praised not for his status, but for his grace, groundedness, and integrity. True authenticity isn't loud. Sometimes, it’s the quiet rejection of status games in favour of real alignment.
3. Adele – Reclaiming her narrative
After global success with her album 25, Adele stepped away from the spotlight. Tabloids speculated endlessly, but she later shared that she needed to rediscover herself outside of public expectation.
“I felt like I was doing it for myself. I wasn’t chasing anything.”
Her next album 30 was raw, emotional, and real, not made for awards or algorithms, but as a reflection of her truth. Authenticity sometimes means disappointing others in order to be true to yourself.
The judgement loop and the happiness gap
Comparison often breeds judgement, of others and of ourselves. And judgement distances us from empathy, curiosity, and self-compassion.
It also inflates the happiness gap, that space between what life is and what we think it should be, and the gap between us being our authentic selves. When that imagined version is fuelled by social media, unrealistic role models, and external validation, it’s rarely attainable.
How to reclaim your truth: Practical tools
Ask the “no one watching” question regularly: Would I still post this, buy this, say this, or live this way if no one else knew about it?
Curate what you consume: Be mindful of how much time you spend around comparison-fuelling content such as social media, luxury advertising, or hyper-competitive environments.
Celebrate invisible wins: Integrity, patience, rest, and presence don’t always show online, but they are essential indicators of an authentic life.
Track triggers of comparison: Notice when comparison flares up, who or what sparks it, and what insecurity it reveals. Use it as insight, not indictment.
Define “enough” for yourself: Write your own success metrics, not based on someone else’s lifestyle, but on how at peace, energised, and fulfilled you feel.
Speak it out loud: Share your authenticity goals with someone you trust. Accountability helps when the world pulls you back into old habits.
Final thoughts: Return to you
The path to a meaningful life doesn’t run through someone else’s highlight reel. It lives in the quiet moments when you choose what aligns, not what impresses.
If no one was watching, who would you be? That’s the question that closes the happiness gap. That’s where authenticity begins.
Read more from Paul Corke
Paul Corke, Leadership Innovator, Author & Speaker
Paul Corke is an executive coach, author, and speaker, and is considered to be a leading expert on mindset, leadership, and innovation. and is also the Managing Director of Paul Corke International, an innovative Executive Coaching business. He previously spent 25 years in the corporate world with award-winning results, specializing in organizational effectiveness, coaching, employee engagement, talent management, and leadership development with experience in the UK, Ireland, Europe, the US, and the Middle East.
With over 25 years dedicated to coaching and mentoring leaders within organisations and with his own clients. His unique blend of innovative techniques and coaching has become a hallmark of his approach to leadership development. Recognised as the No. 1 Health & Wellness Thought Leader by Thinkers 360, Paul is also an accomplished author. His latest book, “Leadership 5.0: The Future of Leadership,” offers profound insights into ground-breaking perspectives on leadership. Paul is an engaging keynote speaker, and his commitment to advancing the field of leadership is evident in his role as a thought leader. His talks and written work underscore his dedication to shaping the future of leadership by challenging norms and fostering a mindset of continuous innovation.
