Written by: Maria Papacosta, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In his book The School of Life, Alain de Botton suggests that “We are frequently the very last people to know what is at work within ‘us’. We suffer because there is no easy route to introspection.”
The truth is that we are not taught how to introspect; we get easily distracted, we find it overwhelming to manage all the data that we experience daily and we quit the process feeling confused and in many cases helpless. As a result, some of us either become frequent self-analyzers who end up even more depressed and anxious, or we try to avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and hide behind the most common excuse that we don’t have enough time to devote to ourselves.
As Alain de Botton argues, we pay a very high price for our self-ignorance. “Feelings and desires that haven’t been examined linger and distribute their energy randomly across our lives. Ambition that doesn’t know itself re-emerges as panic; envy transforms itself into bitterness; anger turns into rage; sadness into depression.”
Although the quote above reminds us of a Biblical catastrophe, it couldn’t be more true. However, the problem with introspection and the process of gaining greater levels of self –awareness it’s not that it’s not an effective process, but rather it’s that most people are doing it incorrectly.
As human beings, since childhood, it comes very easy to us to ask “why?” every time something happens to us or when we try to analyze a situation and especially when we try to analyze our emotions. For example, we ask “Why did I talk this way to my colleague this morning?” or “Why did I like this project so much?” or “Why am I so against this person?” and so on.
Unfortunately, “why” is the most ineffective self-awareness question.
Research has shown that we simply do not have access to many of the unconscious thoughts, emotions, and motives that we’re searching for by asking “why”. As a result, we tend to invent answers that may feel true but aren’t necessarily so.
By asking “why” we usually also lead our thinking to unproductive negative thoughts as we tend to fall on our fears and insecurities.
Instead of “why” start asking “what”. “What” questions will help you stay focused, more objective, and they have the power to initiate action. So instead of asking “why did I fail my exam?” ask “what could I have done to pass the exam?” This type of thinking will lead you to more concrete findings and will motivate you to take the necessary actions and plan for your future.
And this goes beyond the self-awareness process. It applies to everything that you do. For example, in your next performance management meeting, instead of asking “why did I rank low in this area?” ask “what steps do I need to take to rank higher in this area?”
To give you one more example, a real case this time, consider James, who came to me when his speaking business was no longer successful. At first, all he could ask himself was “Why did I leave things to come to this?” and “Why couldn’t I do something about it and turn things around?” When he stopped punishing himself with all the “why” questions, he started asking, “What do I need to do to stand back up on my feet?” and “What do I need to do to get back into the game?” and even “What do I need to do to become a great speaker?” This process helped James discover new ways of doing things, pinpoint the areas that he could improve, and avoid past mistakes. He created a plan and gained back his motivation and excitement.
Self-awareness is a crucial stepping stone to creating a better version of yourself. If practiced successfully it can help you identify your desires and ambitions and design your vision for your future. More importantly, it’s a process that can also help you with your action planning. It can convert dreams into actions as it empowers you to achieve your goals.
Next time you go through the process of introspection, ask yourself “what” instead of “why”.
Give it a try.
Maria Papacosta, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Maria Papacosta is a leading expert on Presence and Inspired Leadership and an acclaimed personal branding strategist. Her practical, high-energy talks and workshops provide tangible results that help people design a better version of themselves and excel in their work and life. Maria is the co-founder of MSC Marketing Bureau. Her branding strategies have helped some of the leading thinkers of our time to spread their messages and make an impact. Maria's mission is to help people create a better version of themselves.
