When I was just a little girl, I was taught that the most important thing in life was to fit in. If you didn’t, it meant there was something wrong with you. So, I’ve created a version of myself that I thought was expected of me and presented it to the world. It received a lot of approval and I fell in love with it. I called it “my true self”.
It served me well. By the time I reached my mid-thirties I had all I used to dream about: loving husband, three beautiful children, a dream house, and a financial stability. But somehow, instead of joy and happiness, all I could feel was an utter emptiness. I was slowly sinking into a very painful and deep depression.
It took hours of therapy, life-coaching, and healing to make me realise that I was completely disconnected from my authentic self. I lived my life thinking that I was truly being myself but being “yourself” doesn’t mean being authentic. What I called “myself” was an identity created by the expectations of others and my need to be liked by them.
One of the outcomes of my healing journey was the ability to identify certain behaviours, feelings and thoughts I noticed in my old self, which I used to create a list of 5 signs that you might be disconnected from your authentic self:
1. You feel empty inside.
Although from outside your life looks like you have absolutely everything to make you happy, deep inside you know there is something missing. Very often that missing part is your authentic self, its wants, dreams, and desires. For over 30 years I tried so hard to please others that I never learned how to be kind to myself.
2. You don’t feel good enough.
You constantly compare yourself to the people around you, feeling that you are not as good as them.
When you spend your childhood constantly trying to fit in to be accepted, you learn one very important “survival” skill: comparison. It became my habit. It was so well programmed into my brain that I wasn’t aware that it ruled my life.
3. You are unable to be vulnerable.
You find it difficult to open up and talk about your true feelings even with your closest friends.
I would always choose to deal with my pain and emotional struggles in solitude rather than letting others see that I was failing. Now I understand that I was simply scared to show my “true” face in case they rejected it.
4. You constantly try to impress others.
You find yourself daydreaming about doing something amazing and get the recognition you desire.
By the time I was a teenager, I have already accepted that I would never be as good as others, so I created my own imaginary world, my dream self. She was beautiful and admired by others. I would run away into that place, whenever real life felt too mundane to handle and I dreamed about recreating that feeling in reality.
5. You don’t take action.
You dream big, but you take no actions towards your desires.
I have always been a dreamer. But for a long time I was giving all my attention to another master: Fear. I was simply scared of failing. The idea of being judged by others and the potential of embarrassment would paralyze my every attempt at taking the first step.
After hitting the biggest rock bottom of my life, I knew I couldn’t continue to be the same person that got me there, so I started my quest to find my authentic self. Here are some tips that I learned along:
Authenticity starts where your identity ends. Your identity can easily become your prison. The moment you let go of the need to be “yourself”, your freedom begins, and your authentic self is being born.
Being authentic is accepting of your humanity, with its limits, its traumas, its early childhood programming. It is being aware that they are a part of you and will creep up on you when you are tired, stressed or emotionally drained.
Authenticity starts when you decide to no longer impress anybody and accept the discomfort of what your old self would define as embarrassment, failure, or judgement.
It will be messy, and you will bounce back and forth a lot, and you will go through a rollercoaster of feelings, and it will most likely get worse just before it gets better but I promise you one thing – this will be the dream adventure of your lifetime.
You can read more about how I help people stuck at a crossroads become authentically confident on my website!
Written by: Kasia Nissanka, Guest Writer Brainz Magazine
Kasia is an accredited life and career coach helping people stuck at the crossroads meet their authentic selves. She supports her clients through individual 1:1 coaching sessions and online workshops. In 2021 Kasia published her first e-book “Awaken Your Confident Self. Find Your True Self and Become Authentically Confident” ( link here: https://www.kasianissanka.co.uk/new-page-88) where she shares her definition of authentic confidence and how to start your journey to your true self. Kasia has a MSc in organisational psychology and is passionate about implementing coaching and psychological safety culture across modern organisations. She is currently working as an Organisational Development and Leadership Faculty Project Manager at the Buckinghamshire Health and Social Care Academy.
