Why We Don’t Get What We Want ‒ 3 Common Mistakes
- Jan 12, 2023
- 6 min read
Written by: Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever wanted to ask for a promotion, ask your partner for support, or ask for that sale and found yourself not doing it? Instead, you think you won’t get the promotion so what is the point in asking. You may believe someone else is better qualified. Your partner is too busy, will think you are too needy, or you are having yet another hairball dream. And that sale… well they probably don’t need what you have, someone else already sold them something like that, or you feel like a nuisance. Sound familiar?
You wouldn’t be alone. Talk to many people who have services to sell, and they sell themselves short. Most people in sales give up after one or two attempts and don’t follow up. The saying is – ‘the fortune is in the follow up!’ (“The Fortune Is In The Follow Up (So They Say…) ‒ RocketResponder”). Marriages are empty, because you just need to get this next mortgage payment or tax bill paid, and then get the kids to bed before you collapse in front of the TV for some mind-numbing relaxation time on Netflix. That short-term reward is all you want, right now.
There is no time to think about what you really want or even how to get it. Instead, you fall through life one breath, one step, one day at a time and before you know it another month has passed. We fail to make time for planning because we don’t apply importance to it. It is easy enough (ish) to survive in the somewhat comfortable comfort zone you live in. That comfort zone is likely not furbished with all the true comforts you seek to live a satisfied life. But it is comfortable enough because it’s familiar.
So, what is behind all this? What is really getting in the way?
Don’t know what we want
Have you ever noticed how the years just roll on by? In my first couple of decades as a working adult I had goals I worked toward. Travel, buying a business or two, getting married, having kids, buying a home, furthering my education. They were dreams I talked about and shared with others and by doing so, it helped me achieve many of them and formulate my plans. Once you achieve milestones, it can be easy to float from one year to the next without setting a clear direction. You get to the end of the year and wonder what happened, where did that year go? The whole pandemic scenario certainly didn’t help.
I recently read a book by Matthew Floyd titled ‘The Dream Manager’ which was recommended to me. I swallowed that book whole within a couple of days. It helped me realize that I had lost sight of dreaming and didn’t have a clear direction to what I was working toward. I had ideas but nothing was clear. The book reinvigorated the excitement to help me once again start thinking what do I want? The past weeks have been filled with contemplating, dreaming, and thinking about the next steps for my life. Where I want to travel, take my business, what I will say yes to, and where to make a difference.
We all must take time and take stock on where you are and what brings you fulfillment and satisfaction. It is too easy to think that financial wins are the only successes in life. Certainly, money makes many things easier, more achievable, and alleviates a lot of stress. However, money isn’t everything.
If you are a senior leader, business owner, parent, or employee – what is it you truly want? What would make your life feel more satisfying? Spending more quality time with family or friends, starting, or finishing a degree, taking a weekend to go camping, having a 6-month sabbatical to hike the Appalachian trail, fostering better relationships by becoming a more attuned listener, or defining what the best version of you looks like.
There are so many nuances to life, it is easy to get focused on the destination, but the journey is even more important. Take some time today to ponder the question – what is it that I really want? Think of things you could achieve today or in a lifetime, get a little fanciful! Take one breath, one step and one day forward, and before you know it, your journey could take on a whole new path and meaning.
Fear of rejection/failure
Ever find yourself procrastinating over things? You may well think it’s because staying in your comfort zone is so much easier. That comfort zone could be laying on the couch, checking your email, or working on whatever is commanding your attention right now. That procrastination stops us from making the next move in our relationships, making that next sales call, going for a promotion, or having a complete sea change. We fear that someone will say no, and when they say no, we will melt into the ground and have that deep inner belief of not being good enough, once again, validated.
What helps move us into action is when the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of change. Ever hit rock bottom in your health and fitness journey, not paying your bills, or with a lousy manager? That’s when you change. Sometimes we keep testing that rock bottom and continue to amaze ourselves at just how low we can go. What will be your rock bottom, when is your enough, enough? How much pain are you willing to endure before you willingly get out of your own way?
Moving into action requires a formula of self-belief, courage, and having a good resource network of information and people to provide support and accountability. It requires a commitment to yourself not to let a no get in the way, faith in the process, and an openness to learning as you go. None of us got walking right the first time we tried it, we fell a few times, and then in no time were running and jumping. As adults, we don’t allow ourselves to fail, to make mistakes. Reframe that thinking to be part of the learning process.
Appearing weak or vulnerable
Many of us fail to ask for what we need or want because as adults we feel like we should have stuff already worked out. Leaders, managers, parents, we all think that we should know the answer. If we ask for help, that validates there is something wrong with us, and heaven forbid if someone else finds out. The more senior your role, the more likely this is to be pervasive, often leaving people feeling lonely at the top.
My biggest realization to getting out of my own way is to be strong enough to ask for help, to say ‘I don’t know’ when I don’t know, and to admit to messing up stuff. It took a few decades of my life to get to this point, and when I did, it opened a new liberating world for me. I no longer had to hide my faults, or feel like I had to make excuses for myself, though sometimes I still make excuses for others…
Creating families and workplaces where people are safe to admit to their mistakes, to create safe ways to fail, and to ask for help means helping people feel valued and validated. This also means slowing down a little, to better listen to our inner voice, and the voice of others. Asking what is it they/I need and how can they/I help?
Much of this information, perhaps you intuitively know but the busyness of life creates too much noise for you to hear this voice clearly enough. My goal for this year is to slow down a little more and to get better at hearing this voice for myself and to help others do the same. And in those quiet moments, I know I will tune into what I really want … and then go get it.
Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Vivien Hudson is a reformed pharmacist who went through her own journey of discovery when she trained as a life coach, moved hemispheres, and achieved her Masters in Business Adversity. This training enlightened her to how much change we can affect in our lives by understanding stress, the stories we tell ourselves, and how we show up in our bodies. Self-awareness, finding purpose, and living authentically are at the heart of effective change and leadership. Vivien combines her experience in health and wellbeing, business ownership, and the challenges she has faced in her own life to bring depth and diversity to her work She is trained as a life and performance ontological coach, brain fitness practitioner, on purpose presenter, speaker, and corporate trainer. Her purpose is instilling courage to help those she touches live a life well-lived.
