Why I Lost Myself When Grieving At Christmas
- Dec 21, 2023
- 4 min read
Written by: Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It was the lead-up to Christmas 2015, and whilst others were wrapping presents and making plans, I was facing an identity crisis. I had lost both my parents and my sister one after another. I was reeling from the shock and trying to navigate waves of grief, pain, anger, guilt, sadness, and so much more. However, I was also lost, and I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The holidays had always been just the four of us. My sister, with whom I had a strained relationship, made a rare appearance once dinner was over. My mother was a fabulous cook who created a gourmet meal for 15 folks, even when it was just our family. I couldn’t cook like my mother. I didn’t want to. I ordered in and had a warm soup and a glass of wine for my Christmas meal.
For some, the holidays may be a time of high drama and absolute exhaustion, but whether from love or duty, we gather with those who play key roles in our lives. Suddenly, I was alone, and I didn’t know what to do. The roles that defined so much of what I believed myself to be - daughter and sister - were gone. I liked being a daughter - I was good at it. I found myself wishing to be someone else - someone who wasn’t an orphan like me. I felt like I had nowhere to go.
Where our notion of self comes from has been debated for centuries. In his book, Selfless, Brian Lowery writes: “In the early 1900s, American sociologist Charles Cooley asserted that a person’s self, at least in part, is constructed by how they think other people see them - he coined the term “the looking glass self.” In the 1930s, sociologist George Mead claimed that the self is developed through social interaction. If you couldn’t see yourself through the eyes of others, Mead would say you have no self.” I saw myself as a daughter and a sister. When I lost those roles - those key social interactions - my sense of self disappeared.
It prompted profound introspection. Who am I within my network and community now? This became especially acute as friends also disappeared, unable to cope with my grief and uncomfortable in their helplessness.
Losing my mother added another layer of loss. She was more than a parent; she was my road trip adventure guide and my role model with her vibrant and spontaneous spirit. It was a relationship that no one else could seamlessly take up. I was an adventurer with her and now she was gone. I have travelled since but it has been a journey of self-discovery that took some courage to embark upon; and not the shared experience of exploration I had enjoyed before.
I also had new roles thrust upon me. Suddenly, I found myself handling finances and household management. I became a financial taskmaster, a role once expertly handled by my father, and it was a daunting responsibility. I faced an unexpected crash course in estate laws and the complexities of final wishes.
This will be my eighth Christmas without my family. I know it is an incredibly hard time for so many people. Here’s what I have learnt:
1. Acknowledge your feelings: The power of permission
The first step in navigating this uncharted territory is giving yourself permission to weep. Acknowledge the waves of grief, the ache of absence and the mixed emotions that might flood your heart. It's okay not to be okay; even at Christmas when we are expected to be joyful.
2. Self-care in solitude: Nurturing your well-being
During the hustle of the holiday season, carve out moments for self-care. Don't overcommit yourself. Take time to rest. Whether it's a quiet walk, journaling your thoughts or simply relaxing in stillness, prioritise your emotional well-being. Grieving requires gentleness, especially during the holiday hustle.
3. Create new traditions: Weaving memories into today
While cherished traditions may carry the bittersweet weight of the past, consider crafting new rituals that honour your loved ones. Whether lighting a candle in their memory or preparing a favourite dish, infuse the present with echoes of the past. Reevaluate your traditions, keep what works, and let go of what doesn't.
4. Lean on your support system: Sharing the load
You don't have to brave this journey alone. Let your grief advocates know what you need. Seek solace in the company of friends, relatives or support groups who understand the unique challenges of navigating the holidays without certain family members. Sharing memories and creating new ones together can be a source of strength.
5. Don't force yourself to be happy
When others attempt to downplay your pain, it's as if they're missing a part of your story. Each emotion is valid and holds significance. Similarly, when you blindly diminish your own pain, you are overlooking the deepness of your experience. Acknowledge your feelings and honour them; in doing so, you keep your journey. Embracing the authenticity of your pain is not a disservice; it's an act of self-compassion. It's a step towards understanding and, ultimately, healing.
Surviving the first Christmas without a loved one demands both strength and tenderness. Embrace both mourning and celebration. You can honour the past and welcome the present at the same time and in doing so, you’ll discover that the spirit of connection endures even in the absence of your loved ones.
Unlock Healing and Transformation: Are you tired of carrying the weight of your grief alone? It's time to embrace healing and cultivate a brighter future.
Grab your Free Mourning Journal Workbook
Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses. Sandy helps her clients move from heartbreaking losses to a place where they can work towards healing and become fearless adventure leaders.
