What We Got Dead Wrong About Feeling Safe
Written by Dr. Kim Dang, Transformation Coach
Dr. Kim Dang is renowned as a transformative coach in the field of personal development. She is the founder of the Art of Starting Over, a premier coaching program, and a strong advocate for unlocking individual potential.
I never thought I'd write specifically about feeling safe in a world that seems to have been turned upside down. But then, half a year ago, my relationship ended. A month ago, I lost my father. In the span of six months, two of the most important men in my life, my confidants, my support system were gone. I felt raw, exposed, and utterly alone.
Emotions ran high as I grappled with this new reality. Resentment and jealousy flared up, fueled by a deep sense of loss and abandonment. I found myself spiraling, questioning my self-worth and place in the world. Without these relationships, who was I? What was I worth? Was I worthy at all?
But then, in the midst of this emotional maelstrom, I remembered Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning". Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps, taught that while we cannot control what happens to us, we always have the power to choose our response. This reminded me of a tool I had almost forgotten: the art of separating meaning from facts and the power to assign meanings to facts.
The revelation
The facts were simple: My Dad, the rock of my life, had passed away. After many years, I was no longer in a relationship. But what was the meaning I had assigned to these facts? That's where things got complicated.
I had convinced myself that not being in a relationship meant I wasn't worthy of love or happiness. That not having a Dad anymore meant that I was even more left alone to fight for myself. That I had to do it all on my own. I was no longer protected. I wasn't worthy enough to be taken care of, and hence, I wasn't safe anymore. That was the underlying meaning I discovered.
But what if affection or lack thereof had nothing to do with my feeling of safety and my self-worth?
This question opened up a world of possibilities. What if my true worth wasn't tied to who I was with, who I was associated with, or even more, what if my worth also didn't have anything to do with what I do or what I have to offer? What if I was already worthy of being loved, of experiencing friendship, of living this life on Earth simply because I exist? Interesting thoughts, right?
The more I pondered these questions, the more I realized how backwards I'd had it all along. I had been seeking safety and worth in external circumstances and persons when true safety comes from within. I should have known better.
The shift
As I gave myself space and love to separate the fact of "losing one parent" and "not being in a relationship" from my feelings of worth, I asked myself: What needs to change for me to move forward? And then it hit me: I didn't need to do anything to move in the "right" direction. This moment, right here, was already the right direction.
I reflected more on my past relationship, acknowledging what I liked and what I didn't. The fun, the travel, and the lifestyle were all positives. But there were negatives too: feeling like I didn't belong, not feeling important or seen, and most significantly, not feeling safe in the relationship.
It was then that I had my biggest "aha" moment. I had always thought that feeling safe would lead to being in an expanded, open state, relaxed. But what if it was the other way around? What if being in an expanded state, what if being relaxed is what makes me feel safe?
This journey of self-discovery led me to a profound realization: the key to feeling safe in an uncertain world lies within us, by combining Viktor Frankl's insights on choosing our attitude with Neville Goddard's principle of "as within, so without," I developed a personal recipe for cultivating inner safety.
The power of perspective and inner states
Frankl taught us that we always have the power to choose our response to life's circumstances. Goddard went even deeper, asserting that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. By marrying these philosophies, I realized that not only could I choose my attitude, but I could also shape my reality by cultivating a specific inner state.
A recipe for inner safety
Here's what I discovered:
Recognize your expanded state: For me, it feels like being catered to, as if life is a fine dining restaurant with impeccable service. It's a clean, organized space, both physically and mentally. It's a soft gaze, a flow of feelings, a sparkle of light and love. Having feelings of joy and even utter bliss.
Embrace powerful beliefs: The ones I came up with are
I recognize life caters to me in first-class service at all times.
I love being catered to and being in an expanded state.
I surrender to being valued and loved in this expanded state.
Use mantras: When I notice I'm not in an expanded state, I use mantras like:
"Life caters to me first-class."
"I accept that I'm treated like a special guest on Earth."
"I love feeling safe and seeing that I'm taken care of."
Receive life's gifts: I've learned to see every experience as a gift from life. Now, I practice:
Receiving the gift
Expressing gratitude
Taking inspired action in that moment
The transformation
As I've implemented this recipe in my life, I've noticed a profound shift. I no longer seek safety in external circumstances or relationships. Instead, I cultivate it within myself by maintaining an expanded state of being. This aligns perfectly with Goddard's teaching that our outer world is our inner world pushed out.
I've come to understand that life caters to me all the time, providing events, messages, and information that guide me on my journey. Every moment, every interaction, is an opportunity to shift towards what my soul truly wants. This perspective allows me to remain open, expanded, and relaxed even in the face of life's challenges, just as Frankl advocated.
Moving forward: A message to fellow seekers
If you're reading this and feeling lost, know that you're not alone. The path to inner safety isn't always easy, but it's infinitely rewarding. Remember, your worth isn't determined by your relationship status, your achievements, or what you have to offer. You are worthy simply because you exist.
Start by recognizing what puts you in an expanded state. Practice the mantras that resonate with you. Embrace the belief that life is always catering to you, providing exactly what you need for your growth and evolution. This is not just positive thinking; it's actively shaping your reality from within, as Goddard taught.
As you continue on this journey of self-discovery, prioritize practices that help you maintain this expanded state. Meditation, mindfulness, and self-reflection can become essential tools in your daily life. View every experience, even the painful ones, as opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
Most importantly, be patient and kind to yourself. This journey is uniquely yours, and every step you take, even the ones that feel like missteps, is leading you exactly where you need to go. As Frankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." In this challenge lies our growth, our freedom, and ultimately, our sense of safety in this unpredictable world.
In embracing this approach, I've found a sense of safety and purpose that transcends my external circumstances. It's a journey that continues every day, but one that has already transformed my life in profound ways.
Remember, in this uncertain world, true safety doesn't come from trying to control our external environment. It comes from within, from being in an expanded, open state that allows us to receive all the gifts life has to offer. And in that state, we find not just safety but a profound sense of peace, love, and connection to the world around us. As Goddard would say, our outer world will inevitably reflect this inner state of being.
Read more from Dr. Kim Dang
Dr. Kim Dang, Transformation Coach
Dr. Kim Dang is a notable figure in the realm of transformative coaching and personal development. As the founder of the Art of Starting Over, a premier coaching program, she stands as a strong advocate for unlocking individual potential. Her diverse journey across various disciplines, from academia to the creative arts, enriches her unique approach to guiding others toward fulfilling futures. With her company, Dark Runner, she is dedicated to celebrating unique human stories and fostering authentic connections.
