We Know You Mean Well but Sometimes You’re Not Helping — You’re Hurting!
- May 4, 2021
- 7 min read
Written by: Lucie Matsouaka, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We all begin life as babies. From the moment we are born, our family, environment, culture, and educational system form our belief system. There are many benefits to it, but when society clashes with our upbringing, that can be detrimental.
Hello! I’m Lucie, the Career Coach who strongly believes we should emphasize self-leadership with young people before becoming adults. That way, we give them the necessary tools to excel in their future careers and professional life matter what the word "career" means to them. However, with Mother’s Day around the corner, I'm putting on my mom hat on behalf of all mothers around the world. Let’s forget about coaching for now.
I’m the mother of two wonderful teenagers — my son, a brilliant junior in high school, is 17, and my daughter is a dynamic 13-year-old 7th grader. When my daughter turned 12, we had a modest birthday party at home with a few friends. One of our gifts to her was her first cellphone. While she was extremely excited, one of her guests (let’s call her Celia to protect her identity), who was a little quiet at first, engaged this conversation with me:
Celia: I’ve been asking my parents to buy me a cellphone, but they don’t want to.
Me: Really? Why is that?
Celia: I don’t know. They said I don’t need one.
Me: They’re absolutely correct. You don’t need a cellphone.
Celia: How come I don’t need a cellphone? You just gave a phone to Elikya. We’re the same age.
Me: Yes, I did. I only did it because she’ll be going to school by bus very soon. I want to be able to communicate with her when she’s outside of the house. As for you, you’re home-schooled, correct?
Celia: Yes. But I want to call my friends. They all have cell phones.
Me: Well, I think you should trust your parents’ judgment. You’re with them most of the time. Your parents are right. They know you better than me, and they know what you need at this moment. I’m sure they know how to reach your friends’ parents when you want to play with them or schedule a play date. Am I right?
Celia: Yeah! But…
As she slowly realized that she couldn’t turn me into an ally, my daughter Elikya jumped in and told her, “You can’t win this back and forth with my mom. She’ll always agree with your mom.”
So, Celia gave up arguing; it was settled. After the party was over, I started to think, “Kids are interesting!” I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Who will stand up to my child like this to enforce my rules, or at least not criticize (or even challenge) them when talking to my kids, instead of having a talk with me? Who will have the guts to have my back in my absence?”
I’m not a parenting expert, and I will never claim to be one because parenting is a very delicate and unique experience. We all parent our children based on our culture, expectation, education, environment, background, and beliefs. But, I’ve been a mother long enough to go through some highs and lows of parenting, so I can tell you this: parenting is not for the faint of heart. Being a mother is being responsible enough to ensure that a human life as valuable and fragile as theirs gets its most essential needs up to a certain point in life until they become independent. No mother, I mean no mother in this world wants to mislead her kids intentionally. I don’t care what society tries to tell us sometimes.
I love the fact that we have more and more access to information everywhere. I also love the fact that anyone can literally learn any skills these days by going online because there so many people who took the time to pour their hearts out in videos, articles, and blogs, etc., for others to pick them up for free. But, let me say this: some things can’t be taught on paper or by a video. You need to live them to understand. Some things can’t be lectured. Being a mother is one of those things. Yes, it is a joy to be a mother, but it´s also a big commitment, and a huge responsibility not taken lightly by many mothers. We’re at the forefront of household chores and, most importantly, child care.[1] And it’s not an easy task.
Carrying the baby for 9 months is no joke. Being up all night with baby poop smeared on your hands and spit up on your shirt is no joke. Waking up early every day to get them ready for school is no joke. Helping them with their homework assignments is no joke. Dealing with the kids’ emotions, fears, and uncertainty is not easy. Seeing them hurting breaks our souls. Seeing them start to trust outside sources more than the advice given by their own parents is painful. Teaching them about moral values, discipline, ethics, and how to navigate in a world that doesn’t always have their back is scary and overwhelming.
With that being said, please hear us clearly: We know you mean well, but sometimes you’re not helping. You’re hurting!
Dear society, we know you mean well, but sometimes you’re not helping. You’re hurting us.
You’re not helping when you judge a young mother trying her best to keep her hungry child calm in a public place. You’re hurting!
You’re not helping when you judge a single mother for leaving her kids alone (in the hands of a stranger in a daycare or with loved ones) for too many hours just because she’s trying to make ends meet. You’re hurting!
You’re not helping when you see a teenager smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. Instead of trying to understand how he got there, you admonish him for doing so and criticize the parents (or, particularly, the single mother) harshly. You’re hurting!
You’re not helping when instead of encouraging kids to obey, respect, and honor their parents, you mislead them with some new rules, half-baked truths, or personal opinions. You’re hurting!
You’re not helping when you de-edify a parent in front of their child. You’re hurting!
You’re not helping when you consider parents the enemies of their own kids. You’re hurting!
I can go on and on.
Mothers are not only nurturers; they lead. Kids spend most of their time with them, and these mothers teach them their first notion of authority day in and day out. We have the heavy responsibility to get little humans ready for society. Caroline Criado Perez, in her book entitled "Invisible women: data bias in a world of designed for men," powerfully demonstrated this fact by providing statistics that show the extent to which childcare lies primarily on women.[2] Under our leadership, they have a glimpse or small idea of what authority means. Under our care, they learn respect, obedience, rules, laws, discipline, consequences of disobedience, etc. It’s always been our responsibility to teach them and help them implement those ideas before they leave the house. But, for us to be effective, we need your help! We need you to team up with us to raise those future leaders.
How do I do that? How can I help, please? You ask. Well, think of, for instance, the mothers in your life or around you and see how you can help them. You can take time to talk to them, listen to them, understand them, or support them. In fact, you can lend them a hand, equip them with some knowledge, collaborate or partner with them, provide or be part of the support system they need. Remember, it takes a village! Mothers carry, give birth, raise, nurture, educate, and take care of our society’s future leaders. If our society doesn’t team up with moms to get the job done well, our society is hurting instead!
In a recent article, I explained the importance of stressing personal values in the hearts of young leaders. Leaders who lead from a place of integrity have a better chance at having the type of long-lasting impact we want them to make in the world. All those great values can be planted in them and implemented from home, the place they spend the first and most critical years of their lives.
Remember, we all begin life as babies. The moment we are born, our family, environment, culture, and educational system form our belief system. In some cases, society may clash with home upbringing, and when it happens, it can be detrimental. Please, do not (unintentionally) undermine the wonderful work mothers are doing with their kids. Instead of being judgmental, do listen to them and try to understand.
At this point, it’s only fair to wish all leaders builders in the world, aka “moms,” an incredible Mother’s Day. Give yourself a tap on the back for the amazing work you behind the scenes because you rock! I love you.
I want to hear from you!
To connect with me, visit my website or follow me on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram. If you speak French, feel free to join our French-speaking community, L'Emergence De L'Entrepreneur, for more tips for emerging entrepreneurs.
Lucie S. Matsouaka, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lucie S. Matsouaka is a Certified Professional Career Coach who believes that it’s not enough to help people look good on paper before a job interview. As an International Youth Leadership Coach, she gives them the tools they need to separate themselves from the masses and have a successful career, no matter what that means to them. She founded L’Emergence De L’Entrepreneur, a French-speaking empowerment platform where she teaches emerging entrepreneurs how to navigate entrepreneurship storms to stand out and be successful.
References:
[1] Clare Foran: How to Design a City for Women, September 16, 2013
[2] Criado Perez, Caroline. Invisible Women: Data Bias in A World Designed for Men. Harry N. Abrams, 2019.
