The Narcissist, the Triangle, and the Illusion of Love – Why It's Really About Validation
- Jul 7, 2025
- 4 min read
Dana Medvedev is a leading Intimacy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and creator of REVIVE, a breakthrough program helping women rise from emotional manipulation, reclaim their power, and feel safe, sensual, and unstoppable again.
Love triangles often seem dramatic, even romantic, charged with passion, tension, and emotional chaos. We’re used to seeing them portrayed in films and literature as symbols of deep desire or moral conflict. But many love triangles, especially those involving narcissistic individuals, are not about love at all; they are about validation. Not emotional intimacy. Not mutual affection. Not real connection. But a psychological game, where one person pulls the strings, and the other two are left fighting for scraps of attention, confusing competition for love.
The narcissist’s core wound: “I am not enough”
At the center of this dynamic is often someone with narcissistic traits or full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). But to understand the behavior, we need to understand the wound.
Contrary to the outward image of confidence, narcissists are driven by deep insecurity. Beneath the grandiosity lies a fragile sense of self-worth, one that depends almost entirely on external validation. They need others to reflect back their desirability, importance, and superiority. If this supply dries up, they panic, lash out, or seek new sources of attention.
Love, for them, becomes a means to an end. Not a reciprocal experience, but a tool to regulate self-esteem.
This is where the triangle begins.
Triangulation: Divide, conquer, validate
In psychology, triangulation is a manipulation tactic where one person pits two others against each other to maintain control. In narcissistic relationships, it’s used masterfully.
Imagine this:
The narcissist builds intimacy with two people simultaneously. They offer just enough affection, attention, or promise to keep both hooked, but never enough clarity for either to feel secure. Subtle comparisons are made. Jealousy is stoked. Each person begins to wonder: Am I the favorite? Am I good enough? Am I winning?
And that’s the goal. Not love. Not truth. But emotional competition, where the narcissist is always at the center, always being pursued, always being "chosen."
It’s not a messy love life. It’s a calculated dynamic designed to inflate the narcissist’s ego and avoid emotional vulnerability.
The role of the “competing” partners
Those on the receiving end of this triangle often enter with good intentions. They’re seeking connection, love, and validation of their worth. But soon, they find themselves emotionally destabilized.
They begin to over give, over analyze, and over-function to be seen as "the one." This striving creates dependency. Self-worth becomes tied to being chosen. And when the narcissist withdraws or favors the other person, the rejection hits even harder, not just as heartbreak, but as proof of personal inadequacy.
But here’s the truth: it’s not about you. It never was.
You were never being loved. You were being used as emotional currency in someone else’s self-esteem economy.
Why narcissists prefer the triangle
Narcissists struggle with true intimacy. Vulnerability feels dangerous to them. So instead of deepening connection, they multiply it, keeping relationships shallow, reactive, and unstable.
A triangle gives them several key benefits:
Control: They can shift attention and blame between people, avoiding accountability.
Attention: Competing partners pour energy into winning them over.
Avoidance of depth: No one gets too close, so their real self stays hidden.
Self-elevation: Being desired by multiple people reinforces their inflated identity.
And if either person starts to set boundaries, express needs, or step out of the game, the narcissist often escalates the drama, or discards them entirely.
The psychological hook: Intermittent reinforcement
What keeps people stuck in these dynamics? Often, it’s a powerful psychological trap called intermittent reinforcement. This is when positive rewards (affection, praise, intimacy) are given unpredictably, keeping the person constantly trying to "earn" more.
It’s the same mechanism used in gambling addiction. The emotional high of being "chosen" after being ignored or rejected creates a chemical hit in the brain. Over time, this creates a trauma bond, where love and anxiety become entangled, and leaving feels harder than staying.
The path to clarity: Ask the right questions
Escaping the triangle begins with awareness. Not just of the narcissist’s behavior, but of your own needs and wounds that got activated in the dynamic.
Ask yourself:
What part of me feels the need to be chosen to feel worthy?
Do I feel empowered in this relationship, or constantly anxious?
Am I in love with the person, or addicted to the validation?
When you realize that the “prize” is not real love, but emotional breadcrumbs, you begin to step out of the fantasy and into your own power.
Healing: From competition to self-connection
Healing from a narcissistic triangle is not just about walking away. It’s about reclaiming your sense of self. It requires inner work, grieving the illusion, confronting abandonment wounds, and learning to validate your own worth without external confirmation.
You stop asking, “Why didn’t they choose me?” and start affirming, “I choose myself now.”
Healthy love doesn’t require competition. It doesn’t confuse or diminish. It doesn't come with conditions or games. It sees you, respects you, and includes you, without making you earn your place.
When a narcissist pulls you into a love triangle, it’s not a romantic entanglement. It’s a psychological trap built around control and insecurity. It’s never about true connection. It’s about ego management.
You don’t need to compete to be loved. You don’t need to win someone who makes you feel small to prove your worth.
Step out of the triangle. Stand in your truth. Choose yourself and build relationships where love is not earned, but shared.
Read more from Dana Medvedev
Dana Medvedev, Narcissistic Abuse and Intimacy Coach
Dana Medvedev is an Intimacy and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach, and a survivor who turned her own trauma into transformation. She is the creator of REVIVE, a powerful program guiding women through the deep work of healing after narcissistic abuse, emotionally, psychologically, and somatically. Known for her sharp intuition, raw honesty, and deeply empathetic presence, she holds space without sugarcoating. Her no-nonsense style cuts through victimhood and confusion to help women reclaim their bodies, boundaries, and brilliance. Her mission is personal: to help others do what she did, break the cycle, rebuild from the inside out, and come home to themselves.
