Stay And Become Happily Married All Over Again
- Nov 16, 2021
- 4 min read
Written by: Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The divorce process rarely just happens. It often begins with one or both partners contemplating whether to stay in the marriage or walk away from it. Even though divorce is not something many of us are comfortable talking about, unhappy marriages are not uncommon. Perhaps it is because divorce is not always the result of some significant infraction or deal-breaker. Instead, it can result from a series of incremental, cumulative things resulting in our general unhappiness feelings. These feelings of despair can begin suddenly, if not during then soon after our honeymoon, or they can develop over time like wrinkles and gray hair.
Do you remember your wedding day? Everything was beautiful because you were in love and were loved. Life was perfect as you anticipated a lifetime of wedded bliss and a future filled with love and happiness. Your wedding vows were so meaningful as you gazed into each other's eyes, knowing you would be together forever and ever; amen. Fast forward to the future, and where is the love? On any given day, one or both of you is contemplating or threatening divorce because your marriage is nowhere near what you expected. Day after day, you both feel like you are running out of love and drifting farther and farther apart. You feel hopeless ... uninspired ... stuck ... defeated.
Does this sound familiar? If so, think about this. Can you recall a time when you stared in the mirror and wondered who that person looking back at you was? The exact thing can happen in marriage while staring at your spouse, thinking this is the same person I fell in love with and married? The answer is to that question is likely an example of what happens when two things are true. Yes, they are the same person, and they have evolved. And if you can be honest with yourself, you have probably grown as well. Because we marry one another in stages of who we are, and each of us is always becoming. Generally speaking, our growth and maturity should elevate us to a higher version of ourselves. So all that may be necessary to heal and strengthen our union is a bit of extra commitment, combined effort, and effective communication. You can be in love and happily married all over again.
Begin with an open, honest discussion about what you are feeling and what you believe are among the root causes of your emotions. Allow sufficient time for one another to talk, listen and process and respond to information in a way that makes each person feel safe and heard. As part of this discussion, which may take a while, you should share things you would like to see the other person do to save the marriage and keep it moving forward. In addition to those things which are not working, be sure to highlight those things which are. Communicate, negotiate and compromise to create an actionable plan that you mutually agree on and then get busy making it happen. After all, marriage is work. You get out what you put in.
Marriage is also about play, and it should also be a source of fun and adventure. You're more likely to want to live and stay together if you laugh and play together. Take the time to get out, explore and do things together, which stimulate multiple senses. Activities that provide an opportunity to do more talking, listening, and bonding can also help you remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place. Exploring creative ways to make your partner feel special can even be a healthy form of competition as you try to outdo one another in the spirit of strengthening your bond.
Get closer. Touch each other. When you pass one another, especially in the midst of one of those ordinary, everyday moments, take a breath to pause and give your wife or husband a gentle kiss on the neck or ear. Remember to be friends as well as lovers. When respect and mutual adoration return, so does love. And when you love someone and are committed to doing the work necessary to keep your bond strong, there is no need for divorce.
Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jolisa Webb is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach ® and the owner of Beauty in the Midst, LLC, a woman and Veteran-owned small business company. Beauty in the Midst DBA Divorce Coach Confidante is rooted in healing presence and holistic, action- and outcome-focused philosophies.
As a divorced mother, a retired and highly decorated Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, and an executive leader, she knows first-hand what the divorce experience can feel like both personally and professionally. With a career spanning the globe, Jolisa has over 30 years of executive, analytical, and leadership expertise in strategic human resources management, with demonstrated success in command and control, communications, information management, personnel, training, protocol, and military equal opportunity.
As a result of her own lessons learned, she became a divorce coach to help female Veterans and other professional women who might be thinking about divorce, in the midst of a divorce, or struggling to move on in the aftermath of a divorce. Jolisa understands how lonely and overwhelming the divorce process can be no matter how intelligent, accomplished, strong and beautiful a woman is. No matter where they are in the divorce process, her Signature Packages are designed to help her clients think and make decisions in a way that honors their truth.
