I Led a Team for Eight Years with Bipolar Disorder
- May 25
- 7 min read
Updated: Jun 5
Written by Phetso Ntsowe, Leader Strategist
Phetso Ntsowe is a Leadership Strategist redefining how high-performing women lead—focusing on clarity, self-trust, and disciplined decision-making rather than confidence alone.
There is something nobody tells you about leading people while managing a mental health condition, the hardest part is not the condition. It is the performance of being fine. I remember sitting in a meeting with my team. Composed, taking notes, nodding at the right moments, while something inside me was fracturing quietly.
It was not a dramatic moment. Nobody in that room could tell. My voice was steady. My contributions were coherent. My face gave nothing away.
But I knew. I was in the grip of a depressive episode so heavy that getting out of bed that morning had felt like lifting something I had no business lifting. Yet there I was. Leading. Performing. Managing the gap between what the room saw and what was actually happening inside me.
I have lived with bipolar disorder for years. For eight of those years, I was also leading people. I was not an anomaly. I was part of a silent, invisible majority.
45 million people worldwide are living with bipolar disorder. – WHO, 2019
Nearly 82% are severely impaired, yet many remain in the workforce, leading teams, making decisions, and showing up. – National Institute of Mental Health
Understanding that managing bipolar disorder can teach resilience and empathy helps leaders see challenges as growth opportunities, inspiring hope.
The diagnosis and why I told almost nobody
Bipolar disorder. I say it plainly now because I spent too long saying it quietly, or not at all. Receiving a formal diagnosis while already holding a leadership position is a particularly disorienting experience. On one hand, there was relief, finally, a name for the internal weather patterns I had been navigating for years. The highs that felt like superpowers. The lows that felt like they were disappearing. The exhausting in between.
On the other hand, there was fear. Fear of what it would mean for how people saw me. Fear of being seen as unstable, unreliable, too much, or suddenly not enough. In the professional world, and especially in banking, mental illness was not something you disclosed. It was something you managed behind closed doors and presented a polished surface over.
So I told almost nobody. Research confirms this is not a personal failing, it is a rational response to a stigmatised environment.
58% of HR managers surveyed said they would never employ someone with a diagnosed mental health condition for an executive role. – Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2023
Workers with mental illness routinely conceal their diagnosis due to fears of discrimination, being passed over for promotion, or termination. – Journal of Mental Health Policy and Economics, 2023
What I did not yet understand was that the secrecy was costing me more than the condition itself. In Africa specifically, 85% of people with mental health conditions in developing countries receive no treatment at all, not because the need does not exist, but because stigma silences it.
Showing up anyway: The mask and its price
For years, I was very good at showing up. I met deadlines during low episodes. I facilitated sessions, led teams, produced results, and hit targets. I was the person others leaned on, which, looking back, is one of the more quietly painful ironies of being a high functioning person managing a mood disorder.
The strategies I used were real. I read the room constantly, not just for leadership effectiveness, but for self preservation. I scheduled the hardest conversations for the days I knew I had capacity. I front loaded my energy in the mornings. I built personal rituals that looked like professionalism but were actually survival architecture. For a long time, it worked, until it did not.
73% of C suite leaders report experiencing burnout. Concealing a mental health condition adds an invisible compounding layer to that toll. – Harvard Business Review
Understanding that concealment adds stress and exhaustion to leaders emphasizes the value of authenticity and seeking support for well being.
There came a point where a depressive low directly challenged my leadership responsibilities, revealing the critical need to address mental health openly and authentically. That collision was the most important thing that ever happened to my leadership.
What seeking help taught me about leading
Here is what surprised me, therapy did not just help me manage my condition, it fundamentally improved my leadership capabilities and self understanding.
I went in expecting to learn how to manage my condition. What I actually learned was how to know myself at a level of precision I had never been required to reach before.
I learned my triggers. I learned my rhythms, the early warning signs that a low was approaching, long before it arrived. I learned the difference between productive discomfort and dangerous depletion.
Recognizing that self awareness is a core leadership skill encourages leaders to develop confidence in their decision making and emotional regulation.
Only 10 to 15% of leaders are genuinely self aware, despite the majority believing they are. – Harvard Business Review, Tasha Eurich, 2018
When leaders improved their emotional self awareness, 100% reported improved workplace effectiveness, 79% reported stronger workplace relationships, and 86% reported a better ability to identify and manage their emotions. – Korn Ferry, A Better Return on Self Awareness
Companies with leaders who have higher self awareness consistently outperform their peers and deliver stronger returns. – Korn Ferry survey of 6,977 professionals across 486 publicly traded companies
When you know your own interior landscape with enough clarity, you stop reacting from places you have not examined. You stop projecting your own overwhelm onto your team. You make better decisions, not because you are feeling better, but because you understand what you are feeling and can choose how to respond to it.
Science backs what experience taught me, a Swedish population study of over 68,000 bipolar patients found that those without comorbidity were overrepresented in the highest strata of leadership suitability. Traits associated with bipolar disorder, pattern recognition, intense focus, empathy, creative thinking, correlate with the qualities that make exceptional leaders.
The self awareness I built to survive my condition became what made me more present, more grounded, and more credible in every room I entered.
How I cope today, in life and at work
I want to be clear, this is not a story with a healed ending. Bipolar disorder does not resolve. It is managed with intention, with structure, and with the honest acknowledgement that some seasons will be harder than others.
Today, my coping is a combination of pillars that I protect fiercely:
Professional support remains non negotiable. Therapy is not a crisis resource for me, it is ongoing maintenance. The data supports this, organisations with mentally healthy leadership see 21% higher profitability and significantly lower turnover. American Psychological Association. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is the most strategic investment a leader can make.
Structure and routine are my scaffolding. Consistent sleep, non negotiable morning practices, and a calendar that reflects my energy patterns rather than just my obligations. When my structure holds, I hold.
Faith grounds me in something larger than my current episode or circumstance. It has been a steady source when my own interior weather has been unpredictable.
My coaching and personal development work, particularly the RISE Framework that underpins everything I do through The Incredible Woman Platform, keeps me anchored in purpose. Helping other women build self trust constantly reminds me that the work I have done on myself is not separate from my professional contribution. It is my professional contribution.
Boundaries protect all of the above. Learning to say no without justification, without guilt, and without shrinking has been one of the most powerful things I have ever done for my mental health and my leadership.
None of this is perfect. Not every day is a good one. But I am managing with intention, and that is a fundamentally different posture from managing with shame.
You do not have to be fixed to lead
Mental Health Month is not just about awareness. Awareness without permission changes nothing. The permission I want to offer, especially to any leader reading this who is carrying something invisible, is this.
You do not have to be fixed to lead well. You have to be self aware.
The leaders who have influenced me most were not the ones who had everything together. They were the ones who knew themselves, their edges, their limits, their blind spots, and led from that knowing.
Consider this, 32% of employees report working for a boss who lacks self awareness. The gap between the leaders people stay for and the leaders they leave is not a skill gap. It is self knowledge.
I led teams for eight years with bipolar disorder. I am still leading in banking, in coaching, on stages, and in the community. I am more effective now than I have ever been. Not despite this journey. Because of it.
If this article spoke to something you have been carrying, I would love to hear from you. Follow me for more content on self trust, leadership, and what it really means to lead from the inside out. If you know a leader who needs to read this, someone who is showing up quietly while managing more than the world knows, tag them. This conversation belongs to all of us.
Read more from Phetso Ntsowe
Phetso Ntsowe, Leader Strategist
Phetso Ntsowe is a Leadership Strategist focused on helping high-performing women build self-trust and lead with clarity. With a background in banking and risk management, she brings a structured, practical approach to personal leadership and decision-making. Her work centres on redefining leadership through alignment, discipline, and intentional growth.
Sources:
Harvard Business Review
Bipolar Disorder and Leadership, PubMed, 2014
WHO, 2022
