I Can’t Trust My Spouse
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 21, 2024
- 7 min read
Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years.
Trust is a very misunderstood idea. Biologically, we are hard-wired to trust ourselves first because our survival depends on it. We can try to put someone else’s welfare before their own, but it is a societal fantasy because it can endanger our well-being. So, it is unwise to put blind trust in spouses, family, friends and neighbours. This is because our very nature is to protect ourselves and our future, first. To understand this and how you can use it to create a healthy relationship, read on.
“Trust in others comes from self trust!” – King Ayles author
“I can’t trust my wife either!”
Ogden has been in Canada for over five years. He was 32 years old, born in Germany and came here for a job in software design. He was a stout man with a neat moustache that seemed to enhance his face, giving him a look of thoughtful intelligence.
Ogden was married to Octavia, an Austrian, also aged 32, who made her living running her own business in interior design. They had no children as yet but we’re talking about it regularly. And, it was these conversations which had brought Ogden to my office.
When I asked how I might serve him, he told me he couldn’t trust politicians. When I asked him how that was connected to him being here, he said,
“I can’t trust my wife either!”
I asked, “Ogden, has Octavia done something which would suggest you shouldn’t trust her?”
“Well, for one thing, she has this stable of clients she is forever meeting with during the day and into the evening,” he replied.
“Is there anything else that suggests she is disloyal to you?” I asked.
“I want to be able to trust her implicitly!”
“Well, it looks like all her corporate clients are mostly men and her private clients are women,” he said skepticism dripping from his lips.
“How is your day-to-day relationship and your intimate times?” I asked next.
“Ken, we have always been close and I haven’t really seen that change. But, she is very busy with her business. Yet, she seems very devoted to me and our future…that’s why I’m so confused and frustrated about it!” he responded, his fear surfacing from his confusion.
“Are you afraid of losing her, Ogden?” I asked, checking his nonverbal for accuracy.
He paused… and then said as he shifted in the chair,
“Ken, I’m scared to death!”
“How would you like to be instead, Ogden? What is your goal in coming here to see me?”
He paused again, then replied,
“I want to be able to trust her implicitly! I want to know she will put our relationship before everything else…that’s what I want because it’s what I do myself!”
“Do you also expect her to walk on water in the summer months?”
“Ogden, you are expecting the impossible from a human being.”
I said and then added, to see if he was able yet to stand outside his challenge, dissociate and recognize humour,
“Do you also expect her to walk on water in the summer months?”
Then I waited for a bit.
“Ogden, now I see why you are so scared. You are seeking a fantasy no partner will ever offer you!”
His face turned to shock and dismay and then he went very quiet. After a few thought-filled moments, he asked,
“Ken, are you saying I’m expecting too much from Octavia?”
“Ogden, I’m saying you’re expecting the impossible from another human being.”
“I don’t understand. Please explain that to me!”
“Certainly! Ogden, every person condenses their own past experiences into a hierarchy of good or bad events which become their highest personal values.”
He listened carefully.
Then I added,
“These personal values become their beliefs about what is most important to them. And these highest values determine all their behaviors 24/7, unconsciously.”
“Do you mean our past determines our future choices and we don’t even know it, Ken?”
“In a way, yes! Because we humans can think about our thoughts, so, we can uncover our values. So then, we can make choices with a full awareness of how they are connected to our highest values.”
“I trust in nature for the stable laws of beauty and utility.” – Robert Browning poet
“… still be guessing at which value they are focused on at any moment…”
“So, if I know someone’s highest values I can predict their behaviour, right?”
“You certainly can get better at it because you know what is most important to them. But, you will still be guessing at which value they are focused on at any moment in time. This makes our relationships both interesting and challenging.”
“So, for example, I would still be guessing at which value Octavia was focused on at any moment I picked if I tried to predict what she might do.”
“Yes, you would still be guessing!”
“Well, that sure explains a lot about our relationship…especially our disagreements!”
“Each of you believes, at an unconscious level, you can respect your own values by being with the other.”
“Let's get back to your concern about trust and Olivia’s loyalty to you. You can only expect Olivia to be loyal to her highest values. In the same way, you are only loyal to your highest values. Can you see that Ogden?
“Does that mean she is first committed to her values?” he asked, surprising himself with his question.
“Yes, exactly! And, in the same way, you are most committed to your highest values! And, it is why you are together. Each of you believes, at an unconscious level, you can respect your own values by being with the other.”
“So, Olivia is not committed to me as much as she is committed to her values? Is that what you mean? And it applies to me too! I’m most committed to me and see her as helping me do that?”
“…it is this way because it optimizes each person’s chance of survival.”
“Yes, Ogden, that’s exactly it! And, do you know why it is this way…why it is natural, normal and healthy?”
“Not really, no!”
“Ogden, it is this way because it optimizes each person’s chance of survival.”
“Do you mean it is biological, it is in our genes?”
“Yes, Ogden! Each of you is a biological animal acting out your biological imperative using the resources available. That’s why research shows couples have longer life spans than unconnected individuals.”
“OK, so what does that mean about my not trusting Octavia? How does that fit into all this biology?” he said, with a half smile of curiosity.
“… you can only trust her to respect her own values…of which you are one.”
“It suggests two things. First, you may not have enough clarity about your own, and Olivia’s, hierarchy of values. Second, it suggests that with this information, you would have greater insight into why she behaves as she does.”
“And, that would help me how Ken?”
“I think it would help you understand and appreciate how, just like you, she is first committed to her own values. But also, she sees you as part of her honouring them. And, this would help you understand you can only trust her to respect her own values…of which you are one. And, that’s what you are also doing!”
“That makes sense to me, Ken. But, how do I get there?”
“Well, I have a specific process, called The Demartini Method® for this purpose. But, first, I have a tool to help you identify your own highest values.”
“Will that take long?” he asked.
“It only takes about 30 minutes. And, then, if she is agreeable, I would want Olivia to identify her highest values.
“I think she would be OK with that because she is the one who is usually open to new things whether it is ideas, clothes or recipes.” He said smiling.
In the last part, I would sit down with you and Olivia to assist each of you in learning and appreciating each other’s values and each other’s role in being who, each of you, is today. Are you prepared to do that Ogden?”
“Yes, I certainly am, Ken! When can we start?”
“How about right now, Ogden?”
“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.”– Golda Meir Politician
Points to ponder and remember
Trust in your spouse comes from self-trust.
Trust in your spouse comes from when you know you can manage whatever the spouse person might do.
Trust in a spouse comes from knowing you want the relationship but don’t need the relationship.
Self-trust comes from knowing clearly the hierarchy of your highest values.
A healthy relationship comes from honouring your highest values and showing respect for your spouse’s highest values.
The similarities in the highest values attract you to your spouse.
The differences in the highest values keep each of you growing and evolving in useful ways for your future well-being.
Every spousal relationship is a learning system that enables each person to gain the wisdom they need for their future.
In the same way, each divorce is a learning system to enable each person to gain the wisdom they need for their future.
The only person you give complete trust is in your mirror because that person is genetically wired for your survival and well-being.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Ken Pierce
Ken Pierce, Executive Psychologist, Human Behaviour Expert
Ken Pierce is a board-certified, evolutionary psychologist, human behavior expert and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc.(TPI) Ken has authored 14 psychological works including seven books and created 400 case-study-based web-posts. He has worked in business consultation, education and private practice for over 40 years serving thousands of people of all ages including individuals, couples, leaders, teams and organizations. daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
