How To Say No Without Guilt, Apology, Or Explanation – A Spiritual Warrior’s Guide
- Brainz Magazine
- Mar 13, 2023
- 6 min read
Written by: Laura Di Franco, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was more afraid of refusing to walk than I was to actually walk over the hot coals during our firewalk ceremony, even when my colleague came across them with the tender sole of her foot blistered.
The fear of what others would think sat on my heart like that bully big brother. It was an anxious reminder that I still wasn’t living on my own terms. The fear of what others would think was the real fear in my life—not the risk of pain, injury, or death.
“I’ve done this before,” was one way I pushed off a curious comrade. And when I became annoyed with the second inquiry, it was, “I’m good,” as I avoided their curious gaze by staring at my shoes.
Why couldn’t I say ‘no thank you’ without the feeling of not-good-enough and fear of letting others down? A lifetime of people-pleasing, maybe. I suppose I was taught (from those modeling it around me) that when everyone else is doing something and you’re part of that group, you have to do it, too, like it’s the right, respectful thing to do. It was part of the definition of a ‘good girl.'
"Be a good girl and go and... for me.”
“Be a good girl and make sure you...’
If one person jumps off the bridge, does that mean. . .
Ugh, I know. Shut up!
I’m annoyed at the wise voice, too. She spoke very gently to me throughout this defining moment at the fire, like she knew she was on fragile ground. She helped me feel okay for not running with the herd. I listened. I triumphed. I don’t feel less than for not partaking in the event. That is definitely a win. I didn’t wake the next morning tortured with regret.
But it got me thinking:
What else am I too afraid to say no to?
In what other ways am I living according to what I was told I should do instead of what is truly right and aligned for me?
What am I not saying to people when I’m afraid of their reaction?
FOMO will also get you good, though. I think the fear of regret wants its spot in the stew of fears more than the fear of what others think. I don’t know; it might be a tie. The consequences weigh in and differ for people.
Even as I type this, there’s a boxing match in my head. I can hear the announcer.
“In corner one, the heavyweight champion of the world, they’re-not-going-to-like you! And stepping into the ring in corner two is a newcomer, what-if-you-miss-something-good?”
I wonder who you think wins this match?
I’m always rooting for the reining heavyweight champion. She’s got my number good. Plus, I’m a Rocky fan.
After spending the last three decades on a spiritual path and living my purpose, I’m not afraid of death. While I’m not a skydiver or bungee jumper, I’ve raced my car on the quarter-mile track and sparred opponents in Tae Kwon Do a couple of feet taller than me. I’ve walked across the hot coals. And I jumped off a 35-foot cliff. Those adrenaline rushes were just resume check marks. Saying no when everyone else was doing it and being okay with myself afterward? That’s the real fear-busting I’m doing these days. It’s scarier to me. The bully big brother is heavier on my chest.
I said no that night at the fire, and nobody said anything. I was with a group of non-judgmental people who loved me. And even if they had thoughts or judgments of my decision, they didn’t push. They let me be me, and that was a gift.
The only thing I regret is that I felt the need to justify my decision to the whole group the next morning.
And we do that, don’t we? We apologize for following our soul’s calling. Fuck, why do we still do that? Same reason we jump off the bridge—it was modeled for us repeatedly.
I felt the need to tell them the story I’m sharing today about my fears over the years and the ‘why’ of my decision. I love them and respect them, and I felt good about sharing. But I didn’t need to do it out of defense or apology.
I realize today that it wasn’t that I wanted to defend myself, but more wanted to model something different, one possible response, in case others were faced with those kinds of fears like I was. That’s what being a brave healer means to me. We trailblaze it.
Do you struggle with not living life on your own terms? Do you constantly say and do things that feel awful (or slightly constricting) that aren’t aligned with your soul’s path or desires to fit in or not rock the boat? Do you move with the crowd to ensure people like you?
Or are you carving your own path by making decisions that align with your truth? Have you ever explored your truth?
This takes a ninja level of awareness to live your most authentic life. Here are the steps I’ve practiced to get to a ninja level with my body awareness and mindset so that every single decision I make aligns with the desires, dreams, goals, and vision I have for my life. It’s a practice.
Check-in with your body
Know your habitual thinking patterns
Become a master at flipping the switch when you’re off course
Body Awareness—the key to everything
My practice stems from my training in alternative, holistic physical therapy. The first step is easy but still a lifelong practice. First, you must learn to feel, notice, and observe the sensations you’re having. You have to learn how to get back into your body and feel. Because we’re typically taught, from a really young age, not to feel, learning this skill can be challenging. Start with five minutes of breath meditation and build your practice from there. I check in with my body as the barometer for almost everything now to ensure I’m on track. If you’ve experienced any kind of trauma, getting back into your body will require experienced guidance. Get some.
Mindset practice to break bad habits
Watch your thoughts like a hawk and get good at it. If you know and understand your typical, habitual negative thinking patterns, you’re way more likely to be able to change them and align with your desires. You must be able to notice them and stop the cycle. I started with a journaling practice and wrote down every old tape, self-sabotaging message, and negative self-talk BS I could think of that limited me in the past. I put those on paper and read them to myself, so I could understand what was going on every time I made a decision that went against my soul's purpose (brought me further from joy).
Mindset for manifesting
When you become a master at noticing the thought or pattern and flipping it to something healthier or more aligned, things will change in a good way because of what you think you attract more of. I don’t know about you, but I, for sure, am not in this game to attract more fear-producing moments or proof I’m not good enough. But that’s what we become so good at.
We’ve been training in the gym our whole lives building body-builder-level muscles around negative thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. My biggest aha moment came when I realized most of my time was being spent making shit up about my situation. My mind was in control and on zombie autopilot. Thank you very much, but I’ll take the wheel from now on.
Taking back the wheel took training, too. I had to unlearn everything, a whole life’s worth of patterns, and adopt new healthier ones. Now I can feel into a situation, know immediately if it’s aligned, and then make a better choice with that awareness. This isn’t always easy (like saying no when you risk disappointing someone), but it’s worth it.
It takes a warrior to live life on her own terms. Most of us never had those kinds of mentors, masters, or teachers growing up. We didn’t learn to become warriors; we learned to behave according to the rules, follow others, not get in trouble, and do everything possible to make people love us. Now it’s time to become the warrior you were meant to be and watch as your life unfolds in ways you only dreamed of. For some powerful writing prompts to aid your journey of awareness, join us in the Brave Healer Writer’s Circle here.
Laura Di Franco, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Laura Di Franco, CEO of Brave Healer Productions, an award-winning publisher for holistic health and wellness professionals. She has 30 years of expertise in holistic physical therapy, 14 years of training in the martial arts, and her company has published over 50 Amazon bestselling books. She's a spoken-word poet, lover of dark chocolate, and has a contagious passion for helping you share brave words that build your business. BraveHealer.com
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