How To Forgive... Yourself
Written by: Patricia Renovato, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Buddha once said: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Our ego gets us confused with the act of forgiveness. We are made to believe that forgiveness is an admission and acceptance of a mistake. Our ego encourages us to hold on to resentment so it can stay in control of our thoughts. We allow this because early in childhood, we are taught that for every crime there is a punishment. And when someone wrongs us, we get to assign the punishment. For some, the hurt and betrayal become so overwhelming that it blocks them from seeing past their current experience. For others, their ego is fueled by the power that comes with becoming the punisher. But what we fail to recognize, is that holding on to the past keeps us in purgatory…alone. We can’t force repentance onto others. We can only be responsible for our own actions and reactions. Someone’s remorse doesn’t set us free and rarely does it offer any satisfaction. It’s a fact that only you hold the key to your own freedom. But first, you will need to go to battle with your ego in order to let go of the expectation that the person who wronged you has the power to set you free.
Think of the ego as an aggressive, harsh judge that holds you and others to high expectations, with no tolerance for error. It is the ego that needs an elaborate apology as a gateway to a clean slate. The ego is all about “fairness,” tick for tack. The ego takes everything personally. The ego is ruthless with the host as much as it is with the outside world. There is no discrimination when it comes to judgment and everyone is scrutinized without mercy. The ego holds on to a grudge as a badge of honor. Are you confused about what I’m talking about? The ego is the voice inside your head. Sound familiar now? Have you ever wondered about the tone of that voice? Has that voice stopped you from trying something new? How does that voice speak to you when you make a mistake? Do you call yourself stupid or fat? If so, that's the ego talking.
We call life a journey because it’s comprised of ebb and flows of experiences that lead us to growth, greater self-awareness, and wisdom. And that means that mistakes are expected and part of the process. We learn the most when we push ourselves outside of our comfort zone or when we make mistakes. And when you shift your focus to your own growth journey, you will notice that the frequency and gravity of your mistakes will lessen over time. Your response to someone’s mistake will also change. You won’t take things so personally, you won’t make room for a grudge, and you will find compassion instead.
When we think about forgiveness, we often think about the act of forgiving others. But we forget that we also need to forgive ourselves. We hold on to the past and replay our bad decisions or reactions on an endless loop. This behavior impacts how we live our lives. Either because we get overwhelmed by the collection of regrets or because a significant experience completely reshaped the course of our life. This behavior keeps us living in the past, too upset to live in the moment, and too afraid to plan for the future.
The idea of self-forgiveness is foreign to most people. The strongest resistance to self-forgiveness comes from believing that we don’t deserve it. In fact, we continue holding ourselves accountable for something someone else has already forgiven us for. Holding on to the past, keeps you stuck there. It creates a barrier that impacts your ability to be present. This pattern creates a cascading effect on every decision you make, pushing you further and further from your true self and desires.
The practice of self-forgiveness can be challenging because it defies the ego. It forces us to acknowledge the ego that lives inside of us and requires that we separate ourselves from the ego. This process will feel like an internal revolution because you’ll start to question everything and you will run an inventory of your values and beliefs. As children, we inherit our values and morals freely, but as you come to know your true self, you will begin the process of redefining who you are. And a big step of this process is the idea that you hold the key to your own freedom. Thus, you can forgive yourself every time you make a mistake.
Below is a 4 step process to get you started on your journey of self-forgiveness:
1. Identify the ego
a. Some experts suggest that naming the ego helps you separate yourself from it and therefore, successfully silence it every time it shows up.
b. Mantras are a great tool to offset the messages from the ego. To learn more about mantras and how to incorporate them into your own life, check out this article.
c. Your battle with the ego will last your entire lifetime, so don’t get discouraged when it shows up. You will notice that it will become weaker and you will have better tools to offset the negative thoughts and feelings that surfaces.
i. The ego’s presence is a reminder that there are things that you still need to work on in your growth journey. So listen closely and address it.
2. Accept that forgiveness is not just for others
a. Self-forgiveness is your key to freedom. It shows you how to let go of the past and live in the moment.
b. Journaling and guided meditations are great tools to help you get started.
3. Be kind to yourself
a. It helps to remember that everyone makes mistakes, including you.
Understanding why the mistake was made helps break it apart into a useful lesson.
b. Remember that you are your biggest critic, so be kind to yourself.
c. Life is not a race and neither is this process. Take time to truly process every emotion so that you can set yourself free from further punishment.
4. There’s a lesson inside every mistake
a. There’s a growth opportunity inside every mistake. Take time to process the mistake and release the negative emotions. Once the emotions are no longer blinding your view, you will be able to grow from the experience.
If you want to learn how to implement these ideas and be coached by me, you can email me at truepassioncompany@gmail.com
Patricia Renovato, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
For over a decade, Patricia kept ignoring the growing sensation that she could do more to serve the world. It was daunting to think about dramatically changing her life without direction. After spending some time searching for the answer, Patricia found her calling as a Life Coach. This became the vehicle for her to facilitate the transformation of people who felt stuck in their life, not knowing how to begin a new journey. Patricia dedicates her time to connecting people with their genuine passion for living a passionate and purposeful life. Patricia’s innate ability to see people’s potential beyond their purview inspires clients to work through the inner blocks preventing them from living their dream.
