How To Be A Single Parent – Finding Your Path To Success
- Oct 15, 2024
- 5 min read
Written by Helen V. Hicks, Parenting Coach and Author
Helen V. Hicks is an accomplished mental health professional. She's the founder of SMART goals parenting with an online course based on her book The Parenting Treatment Plan, published in 2023.
Single parenting is a journey full of challenges, but also one that brings tremendous growth and insight. Having experienced both partnered and single parenting, I’ve come to understand that the struggles of parenting, particularly single parenting, are less about the lack of a partner and more about mindset. In this article, I want to walk you through some of the key realizations I’ve had along the way, while also offering guidance on how you can navigate this experience successfully.
Shattering the myth: Two-parent households have more
A common perception is that two-parent households automatically have more–more money, more time, more energy. While that may hold true in certain cases, it’s not universal. I’ve lived in both dynamics, and I can confidently say that the challenges of parenting do not disappear just because a second parent is involved. You may be with a partner and still feel the overwhelming weight of parenting. So, what gives?
The struggle is not about being single; it’s about mindset. Whether you’re parenting solo or with a partner, if you believe you’re lacking or constantly chasing an ideal, you’ll feel drained. The key is to shift your mindset from a scarcity mentality to one that focuses on your strengths as a parent.
Society’s limiting messages and how to overcome them
Society bombards us with messages like “A woman can’t raise a man,” or “A father can’t nurture children like a mother.” These gender-based assumptions undermine the capabilities of single parents. Sure, as a mother, I may not have personal experience with the physical aspects of raising a boy through adolescence, but I absolutely know what it means to be respectful, honorable, and to advocate for what’s right. I model these values every day, and so can any parent, regardless of gender.
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory backs this up. It’s not about whether you’re a mom or dad, it’s about providing a stable, loving environment where children feel secure. Being a good parent means being present, protecting, providing, and guiding. The gendered expectations society tries to impose on us as parents are irrelevant when it comes to fostering a healthy attachment with your children.
The power of your mindset: You are enough
If you’re still doubting whether you’re “enough” as a single parent, consider the message you’re sending to your child by holding onto that belief. Children absorb everything, your actions, words, and even your mindset. If you walk through life feeling inadequate, what your child will see is: “I can’t,” “It’s too hard,” and “My best isn’t enough.” This mentality doesn’t just affect you; it affects how your child views the world.
Setting boundaries: The key to energy and focus
One of the most effective ways to shake off feelings of inadequacy and overwhelm is by setting boundaries. Boundaries are crucial for managing your time, energy, and mental well-being. But boundaries go both ways, they protect you from external demands and help you regulate how you engage with the outside world.
For single parents, setting boundaries starts with self-care. And self-care is more than just treating yourself to a spa day; it’s about saying no to the things that don’t align with your values. If something doesn’t feel right, whether it’s a social engagement or an overbearing relative, it’s a signal that a boundary needs to be set.
Self-care: Not selfish, but necessary
Many parents resist setting boundaries because they fear being perceived as selfish. But true selfishness is imposing your desires on others without considering the impact. Protecting your well-being is not selfish, it’s essential. Your children are watching you. If they see you failing to protect yourself, how can they trust that you’ll protect them?
One important boundary to set is around the type of information you share with your children. Sharing adult issues with your child, such as financial struggles or personal conflicts, can undermine their sense of security. It’s important to maintain an age-appropriate dialogue with your child to ensure they feel safe and protected.
Delegate responsibilities and set age-appropriate expectations
As a single parent, it’s easy to take on too much and feel overwhelmed. That’s why teaching your children to contribute, even in small ways, is so crucial. If your child is old enough to take something out, they are old enough to put it back. This small act of responsibility helps you conserve energy and also teaches your child valuable life skills.
However, it’s equally important not to turn your oldest child into a surrogate parent. They may be capable, but they are not your co-parent. It’s essential to allow them to be a kid while still setting expectations for them to help out in an age-appropriate manner.
Navigating financial stress
One of the toughest parts of single parenting is managing finances, especially if you’re working long hours to make ends meet. This is an issue that persists whether you’re single or partnered, but the key is focusing on quality time rather than the quantity of hours spent together. Even if your time is limited, consistency and making space for your child can build a strong, lasting bond.
Managing relationships with the other parent
For some single parents, the other parent is absent. Many make the mistake of chasing the other parent, hoping they’ll step up and be involved. This is damaging. Your behavior toward the absent parent shapes what your child believes about relationships, whether they need to chase love or prove their worth. Release yourself from the guilt of choosing the wrong partner. You chose to be a parent; the other person didn’t. That’s not your burden to bear.
If the other parent is involved but unhealthy for your child, focus on what you can control. Create a safe, loving environment at home. Teach your child coping skills and advocate for them when necessary.
Becoming your child’s respected figure
Single parenting is not a “death sentence.” I’m living proof that single parenting can be an enjoyable, fulfilling experience. What makes the difference? It comes down to becoming your child’s respected figure. When your child sees you as a capable, strong leader, they will follow your lead. Power struggles will diminish, and emotional stability will flourish.
By setting clear boundaries, modeling respect, and nurturing your child’s sense of security, you create a home where your child is invested in maintaining your connection.
Conclusion: You can do this
Single parenting is not about surviving; it’s about thriving. With the right mindset, strong boundaries, and a commitment to self-care, you can create a home where both you and your child can grow and flourish.
If you’re looking to dive deeper into transforming your parenting experience, consider joining my SMART Goals Parenting course. For only $47 a month, you’ll gain the tools to create a stress-free, fulfilling parenting journey. Join here. You’ve got this!
Helen V. Hicks, Parenting Coach and Author
Helen V. Hicks has leveraged her professional training as a psychotherapist with her experience as a mother of five to cultivate an approach to parenting that is universal. Her easy to apply skills assist parents in eliminating power struggles while developing self-discipline and emotional stability in children. With the growing success of her parenting style she hopes to teach 1% of the world how to parent healthier & easier.
