Boundaries – Self Harm Or Self Care! Where Do You Fall?
- Sep 16, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Sep 17, 2024
Jacqui, LPC-S, LPC is completing her Phd at University of LA Monroe in 2025 and is the founder/owner, CEO & Clinical Director of private practice agency Hayes Center For Hope based in Louisiana.
There is a huge misconception that boundaries are a have or have not meaning either you have boundaries or you don't. Nothing could be further from the truth. We all have boundaries… I like to educate my therapy clients that boundaries are always happening around us and by us; they are always in flux, in motion yet they are there. What we must note is whether the boundaries are healthy or unhealthy. Let’s dive in, shall we.
Boundaries misconception
Have you or someone you know ever made a statement similar to, “that person needs some boundaries,” or “boundaries much,” or “they have no boundaries,” or even “I or they need to set boundaries,”? If you have, at least you are aware of the concept of boundaries as well as their importance in life and wellness. However, for statements about people needing boundaries or not having boundaries (like those above), it elucidates a situation where someone is displaying unhealthy boundaries as opposed to no boundaries. See the difference?
Prioritize boundary education
As a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S), I work with therapy clients and supervise clinicians working towards licensure. In those exchanges, I do a lot of career counseling in addition to depression, anxiety, unresolved trauma and general life stressors. No matter what the presenting issue or topic of the day, quality education around boundaries is always my number one priority. Without healthy boundaries there is no wellness, no peace, no harmony, no career satisfaction, and no overall wellness in life. Sounds dramatic? (if you say so)
Defining boundaries
Boundaries are defined by Therapist Aid as “the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.” Most books, articles, and discussions about boundaries will provide a similar version of this definition. It is important to note that the word “relationships" includes the one with self. One of my favorite books, Changing Course: Healing From Loss, Abandonment and Fear defines boundaries as “the mechanisms that bring safety into our lives by establishing healthy control.” There is that word healthy again!!
Boundaries: Self harm or self care
I, Jacqueline Hayes, LPC-S, LPC, define boundaries as the core of wellness that is essential to a peaceful, fulfilled life. Further, when we are not exercising healthy boundaries but instead exerting unhealthy boundaries it is a self inflicted violation/injury. Boundaries can be either an expression of self harm or self care. This is a very important aspect of understanding boundaries! We have power to make change, improve boundaries and decrease or better yet eliminate this form of self harm.
Boundary simple definition
To put healthy vs unhealthy boundaries in the simplest definition and conceptualization, in my opinion… Unhealthy boundaries are defined by not honoring oneself and is equivalent to self harm, not sustainable and causes many mental health symptoms. Healthy boundaries are defined by honoring oneself and is a sustainable form of selfcare.
Boundaries and career
Many folks I speak with have very poor boundaries around work/career including work/life balance. The maintaining of healthy boundaries is where I see folks have the most trouble. For numerous reasons, their healthy boundary setting is not consistent. They may initially set a healthy boundary/honor themselves but then when the boundary is not respected by others, folks tend to rescind the healthy boundary. This then becomes a reversion to unhealthy boundaries, not honoring oneself. When our actions, words, deeds are not congruent and consistent we send mixed messages. Mixed messages is a form of unhealthy boundary.
Boundaries and authenticity
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is not monolithic. It will look different per individual, involving an understanding and respect of your values (there is a homework exercise I do with clients around this), coupled with exploration and acceptance of one's authenticity. When we are our most authentic selves, there is a natural peace that comes in that state. Being truly authentic involves setting and maintaining healthy boundaries–being unapologetically ourselves (not in a narcissistic way but a confident and secure mindset).
Boundaries – Make the change
Going forward as you move about and navigate life, in and out of your work/career, demonstrate your newfound knowledge when speaking about boundaries. When speaking, use the word boundary appropriately in the context of healthy or unhealthy. Begin to label boundaries appropriately while implementing your own healthy boundaries in all experience in life, notice where you might be using unhealthy boundaries (not honoring self). If you need assistance navigating the hows of healthy boundaries you can check out a reading that I recommend to many of my clients, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab (available anywhere books are sold) and/or find a licensed therapist and begin your journey to a more fulfilled life.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Jacqueline Hayes
Jacqueline Hayes, Owner, CEO & Clinical Director
Jacqui, LPC-S, LPC enjoys helping others explore and lean into their authenticity. She knows what it means to lose sense of self and to work hard to reclaim one’s worth. Jacqui is dedicated to helping others do the same. She is a skilled clinician with many years of experience providing general psychotherapy, coaching and career counseling for adults 18+. In addition to completing her Phd at University of LA Monroe in 2025, she is the founder/owner, CEO & Clinical Director of private practice agency Hayes Center For Hope, LLC based in Louisiana. She is independently licensed to practice in LA, and AZ.
References:
Black, C. (2021). Changing Course: Healing From Loss Abandonment and Fear. Third Ed. Central Recovery Press, LLC. Las Vegas, NV.
Tawwab, N.G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. Penguin Publishing Group. New York, NY.
