Written by: Sasha and Daniel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When emotions run high, people make decisions and take actions that have lasting effects on children, and everyone involved. Unfortunately, this old way of separating with children has been far too commonplace, resulting in destruction and chaos. There is a better way to separate where parents uncouple with love and choose civility, calmness, and care with the children's psychological safety no 1. in all decisions and actions.
Old Way of Separating
The old way of separation devastates families, children and society, a world where dysfunction, custody battles and blame are commonplace. Neither parent is adult enough to take responsibility; instead, they punish the other parent in every way possible to justify their anger, resentment and pain—fights, drama, and abuse spill onto the streets.
Kids are used as pawns in the parents' games while living arrangements are torn apart, causing potential long-term psychological harm. Kids' emotional safety is not considered in any decisions made by the parents. Parents get to choose; separate the old way with potentially devastating long-term impacts and effects, or decide to uncouple each other with love.
The 11 Mistakes
1. Acting in the heat of the moment
Getting caught up in the emotion and hurt of the moment can trigger an overreaction in your response that could cause long-term damage to the uncoupled relationship. Try not to say things or make decisions before allowing the moment's emotions to subside. Remember, you are bound to each other via your children, and this uncoupled relationship has to go the distance for your and your children's wellbeing.
2. Taking no responsibility
Playing the blame game is easy when hurting, but two people are always involved in any relationship situation. Therefore, you must take responsibility for your part in the breakdown, even if it feels more of the other person's fault. Look inside yourself to see where you contributed to the breakdown and accept forgiveness for yourself and your ex-partner.
3. Creating maximum harm and long-lasting trauma
Punishing or hurting the other parent in every way possible, including using the kids as pawns or conduits between you, creates maximum harm. Not protecting the kids from fights and drama and involving them in adult conversations harms a child's sense of safety, self-esteem, and confidence. It includes speaking poorly about the other parent to the child, bleeding your emotions all over the kids and to anyone who will listen.
4. Forcing the kids to grow up too quickly
Children exposed to adult themes grow up much quicker than those protected or with access to age-appropriate themes. So think long term and never lose sight of the most important thing ‒ ensuring the kids can grow up appropriately to their ages. Let them be little. You can never get that time back.
5. Tearing apart living arrangements
Living arrangements torn apart too quickly with little regard for the impact on the children will create more harm than necessary. However, it doesn't have to be this way; there are many ways in which living arrangements can work, even in an uncoupled scenario. You may need to be creative and flexible and see what works for you all.
6. Going too legal
Getting embroiled in court and custody battles serves no one and can be extremely costly and drawn out. Instead, try to mediate between you first regarding living arrangements and shared care of the children and involve mediators/ separation services to manage the financial separation. This way, you can reach a reasonable outcome without the drama.
7. Letting money rule
Fighting over money and trying to take the other for the maximum amount only hurts because the children suffer if an unfair financial settlement severely impacts a parent. Remember that fairness rules, and you each deserve to be supported by the split and confident in providing a fair lifestyle for the children by contributing to their needs and extras.
8. Playing the victim/villain game
Staying disempowered and in a victim mode means you're allowing the separation to define you. It also suggests you had no part to play, and when there's a victim, there's naturally a villain. Here's the truth: you did have a role to play, and the separation doesn't define you. Playing victim keeps you small, helpless and childlike. Instead, find your personal power and start looking ahead to how you want to live your life.
9. Lose yourself
Losing yourself by not staying true to your ethics and values harms you now and in the long run. So instead, remember who you are at your core and operate in ways you won't regret and will feel proud of later when the hurt subsides.
10. Allow poison in
Listening to friends and family who take sides, adding fuel to the fire, causes you to cloud your judgement. People offering advice tend to be one-sided ‒ they can only see the situation from their perspective and experience. Your life and way of doing things are yours; keep it that way. Instead, seek guidance and support from a neutral professional service.
11. Boundary-less
Not creating boundaries and remaining enmeshed with your ex-partner keeps you stuck and confuses the lines for everyone involved, including the children. Children feel safer when they have clarity and consistency, and boundaries provide that. So create sound boundaries and teach your ex-partner to do the same. Agree on a way forward together so the children know the limits. Then, you will all have clarity and confidence in how to be with each other.
New Way ‒ Uncoupling with Love
Separating is not easy. It's a highly emotional time filled with changes, challenges, uncertainty and pain, even if you're both ready. In addition, most people haven't experienced separation with kids, which adds complexity to an already charged emotional time.
With 14 years of combined human behaviour coaching and expertise, Sasha and Daniel each have lived experience of separating and know that having an unbiased, trusted advisor in your corner guiding and supporting you is vital.
We created Uncoupling with Love, a new way of approaching separation that is child-led, ecological, and places the psychological safety of children at no 1. It's a process where parents are encouraged to take responsibility for their part in the uncoupling.
Parents choose civility over drama, the child's welfare over resentment, and decisions remain between you, not the courts. The parents stay true to their ethics, standards and values and don't lose themselves in uncoupling. Here, decisions are made with everyone's best interests at heart for the greater good.
Kids are as happy, well-adjusted and able to manage the changes best as possible.
Kids have the best chance to grow up without trauma or repeating the patterns of their parents.
Parents get to keep their dignity intact, knowing they did everything possible to make the best of a challenging situation for everyone involved.
Families remain as families, not torn apart or dissolved, allowing the kids to feel safe and loved.
Those willing to take a new approach will experience harmonious relationships with the ex-partner, their children and their families and where you are in control of their fate emotionally and mentally. You get to create the life you want as an uncoupled family; it can be positive and functional.
Sasha and Daniel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sasha and Daniel specialise in relationships, human behaviour and experiential healing. Their collective 14 years as coaches taught them that patterns from previous relationships and upbringing could adversely affect their connection, even knowing they were soul mates. So from day one, they consciously designed their relationship by creating 14 principles to guide their behaviours and focus.
Sasha and Daniel aim to heal the world with their love by showing couples how to turn towards each other again for fulfilment, intimacy and connection.
Sasha and Daniel offer exclusive 1:1 coaching and retreats for couples that are at 80% and want that extra 20%. They teach simple, actionable principles for partners who love each other but have lost their way.
