Six Ways To Win The War With Your Dark Side
- Feb 26, 2023
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 25, 2024
Written by: Steven N. Adjei, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We all have a dark side that we wrestle with that threatens to destroy all that we have taken months, or in some cases, years, to build. This article highlights the fact that everyone struggles with a monster within us, and gives 6 ways we can defeat daily the self-sabotaging habits that threaten to derail us or our ambitions.
The secret side of me, I never let you see I keep it caged, but I can’t control it So, stay away from me The beast is ugly… I feel it deep within It's just beneath my skin…
‒ Skillet, Monster, 2009.
Sam Smith, the Grammy-award-winning artist, and musician divided opinion after delivering a racy controversial performance of his hit song “Unholy” at the recently ended 65th Grammy awards held in Los Angeles, California on February 5, 2023, together with fellow singer Kim Petras.
Sam Smith donned a hat with devil horns and Petras was dancing in front of a fire. They were both dressed in blood-red outfits and danced against a backdrop of hellish fire and backup dancers dressed as Satan.
This sparked outrage and controversy ‒ dozens of complaints were filed against the performance – the main issue was that both artists glorified devil worship.
But Sam Smith as an artist seems to strike a chord with millions of fans worldwide including many of my friends and colleagues. He has 75 million followers on Spotify, making him the 6th most popular artist in the world.
I think the cord he strikes is the battle we all face – the ongoing battle with ‘the light we carry’ and our dark side.
And for many who follow his music, as I do, this is nothing new.
The song, Unholy, sounds like a gospel performance in a church, whilst the words deliver a completely contrasting lyrical twist of a man having an affair – an illustration of the dichotomy of light and darkness in the human condition.
This song, in my opinion, is a summarised reflection of the struggles Sam Smith has had all through his adult life. Most of his songs, right from follow this same internal battle:
Am I a man or a woman?
Do I believe in God, or am I an atheist?
Am I gay or am I straight?
Do I love myself, or do I hate myself?
Am I holy or unholy?
Am I accepted, or rejected?
This internal battle is certainly not limited to Sam Smith. Many musicians, politicians and celebrities have wrestled with this battle throughout the ages.
Chris Martin, the lead singer of Coldplay, has spoken of his internal demons which ended up ruining his marriage.
Skillet, one of my favourite bands, talks about the internal battles in ‘Psycho in my head’ ‘Sick of It’ and ‘Monster’ (quoted above).
Israel Houghton, the Grammy award-winning gospel musician, talks about ‘Secrets’ in his album road to deMaskus – of ‘secrets we carry to our grave’
The Grammy award-winning San Diego rock band, Switchfoot, talk about ‘The War Inside’.
The rock band Legendary Arms have a song 'Save me from the monster in my head'
The hip-hop artist NF says he may be destined ‘to stay defected’.
Bishop Briggs, the Scottish- American rock star talks about ‘The Art of Survival’.
Even Michelle Obama in her recent bestseller, The Light We Carry, talks about ‘the constant little voice’ that seeks to undermine her self-esteem, dim her internal light – and how she copes with it.
Steven Bartlett talks about how we are all fed up in Episode 13 of his top-rated podcast, Diary of A CEO.
When I was in Delhi, I was privileged to have dinner with the daughter of Anju Agarwal, one of Delhi’s famous up-and-coming artists. I loved her art – and she was kind enough to send me some of her work, one of which I have featured above.
She explained to me its rationale:
'This painting the stark contrast between the two faces depicts the journey of life and the dual nature of humanity - is a reminder that we are all a mixture of light and dark, of beauty and roughness – and that both are essential parts of who we are.'
The similarity between her art and Sam Smith’s music was striking.
The truth is, no matter the image we try to portray to the world, we all have a dark side – the side we try to conceal, the side we wrestle with, the side we fear one day will come out and ruin everything we have worked so hard for.
It's in the alcoholic who tries to stay off the booze, the husband and father who tries to stay legit, the compulsive gambler fighting to stay away from the casino, the mother trying to prevent her longstanding anger issues from spilling out to her spouse and kids, the workaholic CEO who uses his career and job to conceal his deep insecurities, the compulsive snacker that tries to neutralise her deep pain with chocolate, the ex-lover who has an affair to prove that he’s a cheat.
No one epitomises this battle like a family friend I’ll call John. Last year, he lost his lifelong battle with alcohol and checked into a rehabilitation centre. That didn’t work. So, he ended up losing his kids, his spouse, his home, everything. His dark side finally won the battle. The incomprehensible thing was, he was one of the loveliest, kindest, people I had ever met.
On a personal note, I openly talk about my dark side and battle to overcome it in Pay The Price, and how it took over a decade to finally get it under wraps- and the pain it caused my family and loved ones.
In the book, I call this dark side Red Flag Pain, which is the pain of self-sabotage.
But there can be positives if we adjust the colour of our glasses.
My dark side, for what it's worth, has made me humbler. More patient. More understanding. More accepting of people’s weaknesses – because as speaker Christy Wimber says, we are all one step away from stupid.
And for our dark side, not all the immediate extrinsic consequences are the same. The compulsive eater who gobbles up a bar of chocolate is not the same as the alcoholic who gets drunk at the pub every night. But the intrinsic consequences are the same – loss of self-esteem, and respect, the delay or complete derailing of our dreams, and the pain we cause to our loved ones and colleagues.
Yet, victory is possible. But the victory is not a one-off, like winning a game of monopoly. It’s a daily victory. And sometimes, yes, we may stumble, or even fall, but it's about getting up, dusting ourselves down, and carrying on with the battle.
And with time, we will win the war.
For as the inscription in a hotel gym in Delhi says:
The battle doesn’t get easier, we just get better.
So, if you, like me are struggling with your dark side, the rapper NF’s words might be helpful:
If you're alone and you feel afraid You're not the only one who isn’t okay Remember there are millions of us just like you, like you, like you
‒ NF – Just like you, Perception, 2021.
So how do we deal with our dark side?
May I suggest 6 ways?
Acceptance and constant self-awareness: The acceptance that this dark side is causing problems, that things need to change, that help is needed outside the victim
Openness: Things need to be brought out to trusted partners, at least partially
Accountability: There need to be accountability partners that provide checks for reoffending
Counselling: Our dark side is caused primarily by past experiences and our reaction to them. Professional counselling is invaluable in rooting out the why and developing strategies to cope.
Support: from friends, loved ones, and partners – which needs to be non-judgemental
Reject and Replace: the final cog in the wheel – a firm decision to recognise the triggers, halt the bad reaction, and replace it with alternative good habits.
These are the steps that worked for me, and I hope they work for you too.
Because ultimately, if we don’t slay the ugly beast, it will slay us.
There’s no middle ground and no compromises here.
But imagine the inspiration you will bring to millions of people when you share your victory.
Like writing a best-selling book.
Let’s do this!!
I’m rooting for you!
Three things to share:
It's funny how art can speak to you. Anju Agarwal’s art certainly did and getting introduced to her work during my time in India was one of the greatest highlights of my trip. I will be featuring more of her work – and her incredibly inspiring life in my next newsletter. For more of her work, check out her website.
Talking of dark sides, you can watch the podcast video I had with Nick the Unbosser on how the war in Mozambique sparked a new social innovation of healthcare devolvement worldwide.
I’ve just been nominated and selected for the healthcare entrepreneur of the year 2023 by the IAOTP and even though I’m yet to accept it, the news was mind-blowing. When I received the letter in my inbox, I nearly deleted it, thinking it was spam!! The IAOTP is one of America’s most prestigious networking organisations. Watch the 2021 gala night here.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info!
Steven N. Adjei, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Steven N. Adjei is a British-Ghanaian author, poet, healthcare consultant, entrepreneur, and pharmacist. He is the founding partner of BlueCloud Health (part of the Emerald Group), an advisory and consulting firm with offices in London, Dubai, and Delhi with clients all over the world. He has an MBA from Warwick Business School, and his first book, Pay The Price, is set for release on 30 August 2022.
