One Of The Top Relationship Destroyers
- Oct 10, 2022
- 6 min read
Updated: Oct 11, 2022
Written by: Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
If you are looking to create and maintain a healthy relationship, one very important skill to learn is to manage your insecurities. Insecurities, if left to their own accord, have the power to obliterate any sense of connection that you and your partner may be trying to build or hang on to.
Insecurities can and do creep into the most secure of relationships, and this is completely normal. In fact, most of us feel self-doubt every once in a while. It becomes problematic when insecurities, jealousy, and comparison start to change the dynamics of the relationship. How you deal with them and work through insecurities is paramount. If you are feeling jealous or insecure and allow these emotions to influence your behavior, the impact can affect your relationship in some very destructive ways.
How do you know if your insecurities are causing issues in your relationship? Let’s look at a few common signs to watch out for:
1. Your negative thoughts turn into negative behaviors.
Your mind is the most powerful tool that you have in navigating life. You need to take care of it, and you need to learn how to think productively and learn to manage your thoughts. If you do not take the time and the energy to educate yourself, you are in for a rude awakening. Your thoughts turn into our beliefs. Your beliefs set the stage for how you interpret your experiences. The beliefs that you embrace turn into your attitudes, and your attitudes shape your behavior. To put it simply, the way you think forms your reality. Read that again. The way you process your thoughts determines the way your life unfolds.
“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” ― Lao Tzu
2. Trust is not something that you share between you and your partner.
If trusting your partner is a challenge for you or a roadblock to deeper connection and intimacy, insecurities may be getting in the way. Protecting yourself from being hurt is a natural defense mechanism. We all have done it, and we all continue to do it at times. If you don’t protect yourself from danger, you could get hurt. It makes sense to try and shield yourself from pain and discomfort. It is instinctual to avoid suffering as much as possible. What is detrimental about the walls that are built around our hearts is that they not only keep out the unwanted pain, but they also keep out the wanted connection, intimacy, bonding, and love.
3. You allow assumptions to fill in the gaps instead of asking for clarification.
When questions come up, instead of looking for answers in your partner, you speculate and create pieces of information to fill in the blanks. Working with only half of the facts is not ideal and does not set up your relationship for long-term success and effective communication. When you assume, you also shut down your willingness to be receptive to what your partner has to say. Minds are extremely creative if you allow them to be. Deciding to ask for clarification is much more effective in sustaining a thriving relationship as opposed to giving your imagination free reign to run wild.
4. There is a sense of disconnect with your partner.
A partnership is between two individuals with two different minds, unique backgrounds, and experiences. You are not going to be on the same page 24/7, and it is not logical. A feeling of disconnection may result, and that doesn’t sit well. If you can be proactive when this uncomfortable reaction bubbles up, you can stop it in its tracks. Disconnection doesn’t feel good. It allows any insecurities to manifest and grow like weeds in a garden. If you don’t address them at the root, they are going to keep coming back with a vengeance. When a feeling of disconnect presents itself, the best way to combat it is to connect. Let your partner know how you are feeling and that you need to connect. Expressing needs is vital in establishing and maintaining a healthy connection.
5. You don’t feel “whole” without your partner.
This one has been so muddled with the common misconception that it is your partner that makes you “whole.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. It is you and only you that make you feel whole! Your partner enhances your life and adds to the already complete being. It takes two “whole” individuals to make a healthy couple, not just a portion of you. If you are not feeling “whole” without your partner, this is a sign that some inner work is needed. The premise that one is searching for the rest of themselves in someone else to help them feel complete sets the relationship up for a disaster. No one is incomplete on their own. Expecting another to make you happy is unhealthy and will not end well. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Your self-esteem, confidence, and self-love need to be kept in check and tended to on a regular basis.
6. You need and seek constant reassurance.
We all need validation and reassurance every once in a while. If the need for consistent reassurance feels overwhelming and begins to create anxiety or stress in your relationship, know that it doesn’t need to remain this way. By understanding the meaning behind it and taking steps to choose a different behavior, it can be changed. When you decide to change your behavior, awareness arises, and steps can be taken to respond differently. When you are feeling the need for reassurance, take a moment and acknowledge what you are experiencing. Sit with it for a few minutes and let it be. Consciously slowing your breathing down allows your stimulated nervous system to calm your mind and body. When your body is in a calm state, it is easier to make more effective decisions. You can even take it a step further and ask yourself, “What would REALLY happen if what I am thinking about actually happened?” “Am I going overboard with my thoughts here?” This is when you have the opportunity to provide reassurance to yourself. “This is going to work out just fine.” “You are in a safe place.” If there are certain activities that help you feel better, do them if this means listening to music, writing in your journal, reading a book, having a drink of water or tea, getting a massage, having a shower or bath, etc. You know you best. Listen to what your body needs.
Insecurities can definitely get in the way of personal growth and growth as a couple, and this is not ideal for the health of your relationship. Growth is an important aspect of a healthy and thriving couple. If you are not growing as an individual and as a couple, you are stagnant, and life will drain from your partnership.
You cannot work on any aspect of yourself or your relationship if you do not acknowledge the issue. If you can take accountability for your insecurities and dig for the source, you can heal and eliminate them. Doing the work will benefit your relationships as a whole, and your ability to elevate the intimate connection with your partner increases substantially.
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Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Shauna is a Clinical Sexologist, relationship specialist, and international best-selling author. She is the founder of Explore Intimacy, a results-based coaching practice.
Shauna utilizes her private coaching practice to guide couples through their relationship journey. She also helps to empower young adults through human sexuality education, which enables them to make the most knowledgeable and healthy decisions.
Through private sessions, workshops, articles, videos, and speaking engagements, Shauna is passionate about encouraging and supporting healthy families and intimate relationships.
Shauna grew up in Canada and now lives in the beautiful state of Arizona with her husband and two Yorkies.
