Michael Sherbun on Why Understanding People Changes Conversations

After 37 years of working with people in behavioral health, healthcare leadership, training, and coaching, Michael Sherbun has developed a simple habit: sometimes he waits. Someone finishes speaking. There is an uncomfortable pause. The natural instinct is to fill it with another question, an explanation, or an answer. Sherbun tries not to.

“Five seconds can feel like forever when you're sitting across from somebody,” he says. “But I've learned that if I jump in too quickly, I may answer before they've actually told me what they wanted to say.”

It is a small observation, but it says a great deal about how Sherbun's thinking has changed. After decades of seeing people communicate under pressure, he has become increasingly interested in what happens beneath the words people exchange.

Why does one person become defensive while another shuts down? Why can the same sentence reassure one person and anger another? Why do people sometimes stop listening precisely when a conversation matters most?

For Sherbun, those questions point to a larger idea: understanding human behavior changes how we communicate, especially under pressure.

How did Michael Sherbun become interested in human behavior?

Sherbun grew up on a farm outside Chicago. Work was simply part of life, but another influence was taking shape inside his home. His father was a social worker who worked with young people.

“I saw the work ethic that came with growing up on a farm, but I also watched my father work with kids who were going through difficult things,” Sherbun says. “I think both stayed with me.”

Sherbun went on to study nursing at Purdue University. His career soon moved toward adolescent behavioral health and eventually into senior clinical and executive leadership.

Those early years exposed him to people during moments when emotions were often high. Young people might be angry or frightened. Families might be exhausted or uncertain. Professionals could have the right information but struggle to communicate it effectively.

“You learn pretty quickly that having the right information doesn't mean someone is ready to hear it,” he says. “Earlier in my career, I was probably more focused on the answer. Over time, I became much more interested in timing, emotion, and what was happening with the person receiving that answer.”

That distinction would eventually become central to Sherbun's thinking about communication.

What did leadership teach Michael Sherbun about people?

As Sherbun moved into hospital executive leadership, the situations changed, but many of the human behaviors did not.

He also discovered that authority could change a conversation before it even began.

“The higher you move in an organization, the more careful you have to be about assuming people are telling you everything,” he says. “If nobody challenges you anymore, you have to wonder why. Did you suddenly become right all the time? Probably not.”

Employees notice how leaders respond to disagreement. People remember what happened the last time someone challenged a decision. A leader may say that honesty is welcome, but the behavior that follows an uncomfortable conversation sends a stronger message.

Sherbun also became more cautious about another side effect of experience: certainty.

“There have been times when I walked into a conversation thinking I knew exactly what the problem was,” he says. “Then halfway through, I realized I was solving the wrong problem. Experience helps you recognize patterns, but sometimes it also makes you too confident that you've seen this exact situation before.”

For Sherbun, recognizing patterns is useful. Assuming those patterns tell you everything about another person is not.

What can basketball teach us about communication under pressure?

Some of Sherbun's observations about human behavior developed far away from hospitals and executive offices.

He has spent time coaching basketball, where mistakes happen publicly and communication often has to happen quickly. A player turns the ball over or misses an assignment. The coach can immediately see what went wrong and may feel an equally immediate urge to correct it.

But Sherbun learned to consider what the player could actually absorb in that moment.

“If somebody just made a mistake and they're frustrated with themselves, I can give them ten pieces of information,” he says. “That doesn't mean they're going to hear any of them. Sometimes they need one thing. Sometimes they need a minute.”

He does not see that as a lesson that belongs only to coaching.

An angry spouse, an embarrassed teenager, an employee who feels they have been treated unfairly, and a frightened family member may behave very differently. Yet the same question can still be useful: What is happening with this person right now, and how is it affecting what they can hear?

That does not mean excusing poor behavior or trying to diagnose every reaction. It means recognizing that communication is shaped by more than words.

What is the psychology behind a conversation?

Over the years, Sherbun noticed that the environment changed, but many human patterns remained surprisingly familiar.

People became defensive when they felt judged. Some grew louder when they didn't feel heard, while others withdrew. Silence could be mistaken for agreement. An explanation offered at the wrong moment could sound like an excuse. Someone asking one question might actually be worried about something much deeper.

Sherbun started paying more attention to what was happening underneath the words.

“Two people can walk out of the same room believing they just had completely different conversations,” he says. “That's fascinating to me. The words were the same, so what happened?”

For Sherbun, part of the answer is human behavior.

People do not enter conversations as neutral receivers of information. They bring their emotional state, previous experiences, expectations, assumptions, relationships, and perceptions of the other person. When pressure increases, those influences can become even stronger.

That idea sits at the center of what Sherbun calls The Psychology of Conversations and his broader focus on behavioral communication.

Rather than beginning with What should I say?, Sherbun believes it's more useful to first ask: What is happening with the people having this conversation?

“I probably have more questions now than I did earlier in my career,” he says. “I don't think that's a bad thing. When you're dealing with people, being too certain about what somebody else thinks can get you into trouble.”

What have 37 years taught Michael Sherbun about human behavior?

Today, Sherbun is taking those observations and giving them a more formal structure through The Navigator. His work focuses on behavioral communication, de-escalation, burnout prevention, and understanding the psychology behind difficult conversations.

But he does not see these ideas as belonging only to executives, clinicians, educators, or people working in behavioral health.

Conflict between coworkers may look different from an argument between family members. A coach talking with a frustrated player faces a different situation from a manager speaking with an employee. A parent trying to reach an upset teenager may have a different objective from two friends trying to repair a disagreement.

The circumstances change. The underlying human behavior often does not.

We become defensive when we feel judged. We struggle to process information when emotions are high. We assume other people's intentions. We get frustrated when we don't feel heard. Sometimes we react to what we believe someone means rather than what they actually said.

After 37 years of working with people, Sherbun is less interested in teaching the perfect thing to say than in helping people understand what may be happening before they say it.

“I probably have fewer absolute answers about people than I did when I was younger,” he says. “But I pay much more attention now. What is this person reacting to? What am I bringing into the conversation? What are we both assuming? If you understand more of that, you have a much better chance of actually communicating.”

For Sherbun, that may be the most important lesson of all. Better conversations do not begin with better scripts. They begin with a better understanding of the people having them.