3 Ways To Create Healthy Boundaries And Prevent Over-Giving Of Yourself
- Aug 8, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Mar 6, 2024
Written by: Victoria Baylor, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever bought a gift for someone and thought it wasn't substantial enough, so you kept buying a few more trinkets to make the gift more valuable? You know the deal – you buy the candle and even though it was really expensive, you thought it necessary to buy the picture frame, the journal, and fancy writing pens. By the time you're done, you have a bulging gift bag in danger of ripping, piled high with more gifts than were probably necessary. Surely, I know I'm not the only person who has done that before. We all have at one time or another. There is nothing wrong with "beefing up" a gift for someone who is deserving, but what happens when "over-giving" becomes a regular practice for women in their business or careers and life? Over-giving happens when women habitually give too much of their time, energy, and resources away. Such over-giving can lead to depletion. To really understand the issue, it's important to understand why it happens.
To be many clear, women don't recognize they are over-giving until it's too late. Many women mistake over-giving as the ultimate selflessness. You've heard the stories of the brave women who sacrificed their last to put their children through college or who gave up their careers to support their husbands. Women are applauded for such bold and sacrificial actions. It doesn't become dangerous until somehow these amazing and heroic stories get translated into everyday life and begin to be seen as what's normal or expected of women.
Another reason it becomes so easy for women to over-give is that it's in our very nature as women to be nurturers, care-taker, etc. Many women live this out as they take care of their children, a spouse, or ailing parent. As mentioned before, society can also send strong messages that encourage women to be selfish in giving themselves. But this type of thinking is so dangerous. It's like an unwatered plant ‒ when you give, give, and give some and never get "watered," it only leaves you dried out and depleted of what you need to survive. Women should only give out of abundance, meaning only after they've taken care of themselves should they give to others. Instead, many women give out of scarcity which constantly puts them in a cycle of over-giving. Can you relate? To avoid the trappings of over-giving, here are 3 strategies to try!
1. Avoid the trap
Do you know how I avoid the trap of overeating sweets? I limit how much I bring into my house. I learned a long time ago will power can be a struggle for even the most disciplined person and sometimes "portion control" is the easiest way to avoid the trap. What causes you to over-give? How can you avoid falling into the trap? One way that's practical is to decide how much time (and money) you will have to give on a weekly or monthly basis and stick to your plan. Creating such boundaries is the BEST way to ensure you don't over-give. It's funny how we can watch our money but not pay attention to how much time and energy we are spending. That's just reckless! And don't get me wrong, to give is human and it's beautiful! But to give away everything is foolish. And I want to extend a special warning, especially if "service or gift-giving" is your love language. It can be easy to overindulge in over-giving without even knowing it. Remember just because you feel endorphins and get happy doing it doesn't mean it's always good for you. Stick to your boundaries!
2. Recognize You are the gift
Many women "over-give" because they try to compensate for what they feel they are lacking or not doing enough of. We are the first to doubt if we're good friends or good mothers. Thinking like this will easily put you in a cycle of self-doubt and self-esteem issues which will only trigger more over-giving. This type of thinking falsely suggests that you aren't of any value unless you're doing something major for someone else. But the TRUTH IS that the value you have begins with WHO YOU ARE not what you do. You are an amazing and BRILLIANT woman put on this planet for a unique purpose. That means no one can do what you do and the world needs what you have. So as I stated my dear, YOU ARE THE GIFT! Don't dismiss all of the ways you are a blessing to others just by your mere presence. When you use your gifts and achieve your goals, there are many people who are on the receiving end. That's why I work so hard in my coaching and speaking to teach women their VALUE! When a woman knows the value she brings to the table she will be more protective of how she uses it.
3. Take a "Giving Break"
In life, you even need a break from good things. Self-care gives you that. Do you know what self-care really is? It's taking the focus off of giving to others and putting it on yourself! You NEED to do this! It's not a want or a maybe. It's a necessity. I spent the 2 previous issues talking about self-care so re-visit them for additional reference. Making self-care a regular part of your life means you don't have to stress about doing it or go too long without having it. It's the regular practice and maintenance of doing things that support your mind, body, and soul. So Sis, take that long bath, nature walk, go hang with a friend, or journal. Take care of yourself.
I hope these tips have helped. Remember, you are a Gift! Don't deplete yourself :)
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Victoria Baylor, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Driven by a profound sense to help High-Performing Leaders excel and showcase their Brilliance, Victoria Baylor offers her expertise in the fields of leadership development, mindset growth, and personal branding to help entrepreneurs, professionals, & organizational leaders gain the Clarity + Confidence to get out of their heads and excel in leadership. She is a Certified Mindset & Clarity Coach, NLP Practitioner, TEDx Speaker & 1 Amazon Best Selling Author whose holistic approach to coaching, speaking, and writing helps others accelerate their growth and push past their limitations.
After 15 years in research science, Victoria found her True Calling and purpose in behavioral science when she realized how easy it is for Women to lose their identities to the roles they serve in. She shares her insights & story in her TEDx talk, "You Are Who You Are, Not What You Do". This experience led her to focus on providing Coaching to help entrepreneurial & professionals (men and women) move beyond their mindset blocks and gain the personal brand clarity and strong mindset needed to operate as high-level leaders.
She also offers organizational interventions in the form of trainings, seminars, and/or team building to polish brilliant leaders. She is a writer for multiple publications and a podcast host. She serves on several boards and non-profit organizations. For fun, she enjoys traveling, cooking, and reading. She lives in Savannah Georgia with her husband and 14-year-old daughter, Reilly.
