Written by: Meta Groselj, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The human mind, a marvel of complexity, engages in a constant conversation with itself known as inner dialogue. Our minds are amazing storytelling machines able to conjure up a multiplex of stories about our future, our past, and even the very present moment. How you spin these stories is vital to your overall happiness with life – and also the level of your achievement. It is the workings of your inner dialogue that lead us to that “can or can’t” in the very famous Henry Ford quote: “If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way, you are right.”
Right now, as I’m writing this article, my mind is spinning a negative story about my writing skills and this spin is making me a tad overwhelmed. It would be more on point to say that as I'm noticing a feeling of overwhelming festering in my body as I write – I decided to examine the story my mind is spinning right now as it is the story that is the culprit of me not having fun while I write. I want to reframe this story to avoid writer's block, as I want to finish this task today.
How about you? How many times have you considered your inner dialogue, your inner discourse might be the very thing keeping you from having fun while performing. How many times did your inner voice mess things up for you, making you feel, think, or act in an unproductive way?
Our internal discourse is a set of very powerful tools for self-reflection, decision-making, and cognitive processing. In this article, we delve into the intricacies of inner dialogue, examining its significance, cognitive functions, design, and impact on our behavior.
Definition and nature of inner dialogue
Inner dialogue, also referred to as internal monologue or self-talk, is the silent conversation individuals have with themselves. It encompasses a wide array of thoughts, ranging from simple narrations of daily activities to complex reflections on personal beliefs and emotions. This internal discourse is an integral aspect of human cognition, providing a means for processing information and making sense of the world.
It’s important to understand our sense of the world and ourselves isn’t always on point. Sometimes we spin stories negatively when a positive and more optimistic version is also doable, only we must consciously choose it. The consciousness of choice is what we call attitude.
Hubert Hermans, the author of the Dialogical Self theory, explains how humans have this innate ability to conjure thousands of stories about self in a multiplex of situations in a split second. Just think how far ahead in time you can play things out if by chance you were to miss a train, come in late for a meeting, or trip on stage in front of 500 people at a conference. Your mind can play a gazillion versions of possible outcomes. The fact is, not one of them is real. They are projections. Projections with power over your thinking, feeling, and doing. Storytelling has an emotional impact that can make you feel good or bad about yourself. And the thoughts, if they start invading your mind uncontrollably, rumination, catastrophization – all of a sudden it’s not just your day that’s gone bad, your whole life is under severe self-scrutiny.
Functions of inner dialogue
1. Problem solving
From the scientific perspective, our Inner dialogue serves as an essential tool for problem-solving. When faced with challenges, individuals engage in a cognitive conversation to analyze options, weigh pros and cons, and arrive at solutions. This internal deliberation allows for a thoughtful and systematic approach to decision-making.
There is however an odd thing in the mix that adds flavor to our decisions. Martin Seligman calls it our explanatory style that can be optimistic or pessimistic by default. Not to be confused by your character or disposition, your optimistic or pessimistic explanatory style is about two things – first, which information you choose to gather from observation, and second, how they are combined to form a causal judgment. Are you aware of your automated inner monologue settings? If not, you can take Seligman's test here. But first, read my article.
Picture this: Two very similar people, with similar levels of education, similar work experiences, and similar industries, get invited to the same event as speakers. One has an optimistic explanatory style, and the other is prone to pessimism and would score highly in neuroticism on the Ocean 5 scale. How do you think they use the time to prepare for this event? What emotions are festering inside their human bodies? How much energy are they productively using in a meaningful way?
2. Emotional regulation
The American speaker John C. Maxwell once said: “ Most people want to change the world to improve their lives, but the world they need to change first is the one inside themselves.” As a coach I have come across inner dialogues through working with clients on their stage fright which was linked to anxiety, and perfectionism… both through my research, professional experience, and personal application to my mindset, I realized that elements of storytelling and public speaking can be applied to our inner stories as well. Sometimes all it takes is a mind adaptation of the story, and a person would shift from worry to excitement.
Our inner dialogue is crucial for managing feelings, emotions, and reactions to external events. When we engage in self-talk to interpret and contextualize emotions, sometimes we skip the part where we are generalizing, distorting, and deleting information that, if added, would change the narrative. Maintaining our psychological well-being and ability to adapt to various situations is hence very much linked to our storytelling skills.
As leaders, we have a lot on our plate and we need the support of our bodies to help carry us through shitstorms, setbacks, rejections, obstacles, and challenges in a positive way. When I say bodies, I mean the emotional state our bodies are in most of the time. I need to feel good to do good. As it is your thinking that directs your feelings, your inner stories are now becoming the essential element with which you self-regulate your emotional state.
The moment you sense fear, you can spin not just one, but a couple of stories that will place your fear in a whole new context. In my coaching and self-coaching practice I choose to talk to my Fear, and let fear tell its story. Then, I’d call upon my Courage to hear their version of events. Perhaps I'd call upon my Wisdom. Maybe my Patience. Personalizing emotions, and leading conversations with them as if they have a presence is a very powerful self-coaching technique I use a lot in my coaching practice. The principle behind its immense power is in perspectives. It’s a bit like you start seeing yourself as a team rather than an individual. And your stories are now no longer accidental. They become a strategy.
3. Self-reflection and identity formation
You are what you choose to believe. Your Inner dialogue plays a pivotal role in self-reflection, self- representation, and identity formation. Through continuous introspection, we develop a deeper understanding of our values, beliefs, and personal narratives. This ongoing dialogue contributes to the construction and evolution of one's self-concept over time.
You are a success or a failure. It’s totally up to you. My life consists of days where I couldn't be prouder of myself, my accomplishments, and my achievements. And then there are days when… I find relief to be the storyteller, the copywriter, the author of my own life’s destiny. I want to emphasize that the Inner Influence techniques I teach are not at all about “make-believe”. If you're going through a divorce, you lose your job, your kid is sick and life is heavy on the mind, the heart, the soul – you have your storytelling to help you direct yourself towards a positive outcome. You will lead yourself toward solutions with inner strength, confidence, and positive self-esteem. You will make better choices. You will have inner peace, despite what life serves you. Your stories, statements, and words you are using at any point in time matter the most! It’s your inner dialogue that will either keep you stuck, make things worse, or lead you toward greener pastures.
Positive self-image is researched to be a direct result of the ratio between your daily positive vs negative thoughts. According to Shirzad Chamine, the author of Positive Intelligence, this ratio must be at least 3:1 if not 5:1, meaning that every negative thought has to be supported by at least 3 positive ones to live a happy life. Moreover, the negative thought must not be critical but rather discerning. Helping you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why we must consciously direct our inner dialogue
I love this quote from Khalil Gibran: “Our anxieties do not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” When thinking about my future, I want one story to prevail. I want my ex-boyfriend to text me. I want my boss to do x, y, z. I want my kids to behave… Think how often our strategies and tactics revolve around our fixations when in fact we would do ourselves and others a whole lot of good if we were a tad more flexible.
A huge print of this quote is hanging on my office wall, teaching me mindfulness. This serves as a reminder to sometimes stop spinning stories altogether, as I’m not doing myself any favors. Mindfulness is all about the gap. The silent gap between storytelling, focusing on being rather than interpreting. When I want to get something done without my inner monologues getting in the way, I stop my inner conversation.
Stopping stories, examining stories, and directing stories toward the positive does not only apply when thinking about our future. Our past potentially has an even greater impact on our present moment and our future. If you believe the past is the past, just think – can you change your story? If you want to be happier in the future, you have to.
Philip Zimbardo, author of The Time Paradox discovers that our overall happiness and satisfaction with life is linked to having a positive outlook on our past. In my personal experience, I have been running from my past for as far as I can remember. Having lived through a traumatic event at the age of five, I seldom found any joy in thinking about my past. After reading this book, I decided to dive deep into reshaping my past stories with a more optimistic narrative. As an exercise, I wrote a list of all my regrets and I turned them into lessons learned. This exercise opened my eyes to the very realistic possibility that I am a very experienced human being with a lot of knowledge. New insight gave me elements to form a different narrative. I needed to dive into it though. I needed to write the story, examine the language, reset the heroine, add a new sage voice, discover the transformation… I needed to work on these stories like a writer working on a script.
How to turn your negative stories into positive ones?
With my Inner Influence coaching process, we examine your vocabulary, your beliefs, and your stories. There is energy, vibration, and frequency in all of them, just like Nikola Tesla said – the three most vital components of all life. Let’s look at this with the help of a couple of examples.
Negative - This will never work.
Positive - This can work if… This can work when…For this to work, I would need to…
Negative - I don’t have the skills to …
Positive - To make this happen, I need to upskill in …
To reframe, reshape, and redesign statements I follow three simple rules. The statement needs to be open, future, and positive. These three rules can be placed inside one simple question: “Is this statement opening possibilities for my future in a positive way?”
“This will never work” is not opening up any possibilities. It’s not future-oriented and not positive at all. “This can work when…” is at least providing me with an option I can move forward with, it makes me feel like there is a possibility for change in the future and it makes me feel better. If I feel better, I will be prompted to do more. If I get more done, I will get better results …
How your inner dialogue unlocks your full potential
Negative statements are valuations of situations, past or future that support your limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are often recurring statements, but we don’t notice their presence (simply because we are not paying attention – as the inner dialogue was never pointed out to us as something worth noticing).
A lot of our inaction and self-sabotaging behavior keeps us running in circles rather than achieving the breakthroughs we need to move forward in life due to the fact our stories don’t change. Now that I know it is errors in my thinking that keep me running in circles, I stop to examine my stories, sentences, and words every time!
I catch them like butterflies. I write them down, I analyze them. And I work towards framing them in ways that support my well-being. Sometimes I talk to my coaches or support groups, to get greater awareness about their meaning. The aim is always to redesign, reshape, and reframe the valuation – not the meaning itself. Sometimes all it takes is one single word to change your attitude towards a certain situation.
Patterns of internal dialogue can and will shape behavioral responses. Positive and constructive self- talk fosters resilience and adaptive behaviors, while negative or self-critical inner monologues may contribute to stress, anxiety, and maladaptive responses. Recognizing and modifying these patterns can be instrumental in behavioral change.
In human terms, our inner dialogue is like a navigation system that will navigate you towards happy outcomes – success, fulfillment, happiness, and satisfaction. Or… it will get you stuck in a rut. If you want to get unstuck, you are invited to continue this debate with me here.
In conclusion
Inner dialogue stands as a testament to the remarkable capabilities of the human mind. Its multifaceted functions, from problem-solving to emotional regulation, underscore its significance in shaping cognitive processes and behavior. As we continue to unravel the mysteries of inner dialogue, we gain valuable insights into its complexities and simplicities that help navigate our self-improvement.
I have been coaching leaders and experts on the intricate wisdom of Inner Influence focusing on our inner dialogues, monologues, and self-talk to navigate us toward the life, achievement, and happiness we are seeking. The results of working with inner dialogues are simply astonishing – from people reconnecting with their families to taking on leadership roles, entrepreneurial success, and making more money (which is about feeling safe and respected).
I also love the fact that as a mother I know how to help my own two children navigate themselves through the tough teenage years. So often my daughter would come home crying about how “life is over” due to some spat with her friends or a bad grade in school. Everything I invested in my personal and professional growth pays dividends at that very moment when I know how to help her spin her story back to how “life’s only just begun!”
I managed to get myself through trauma, heartache, grieving, failure, setbacks, imposterism, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and victim mentality. Darn… looks like a lot when I see this in writing. From a positive perspective, we all have hardships in life, moments when life beats us down and we need ways, tools, and options to keep standing, keep moving, and keep believing. I am a firm believer that our inner voice is that very Harry Potter magic wand we all need to use – to make ourselves better first and then change the world.
What about you? Does your inner voice support your efforts? Can you count on your inner voice to be there for you when you need yourself the most? Remember, whatever happens, it's just a story. You're the storyteller! How you spin it is up to you!
Meta Groselj, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Meta Groselj is an expert Public Speaking & Inner Influence coach helping people profit by using their voice. Her clients are leaders & experts who want to overcome imposter syndrome anxiety to develop that inner power and confident presence to master any spotlight of business and life. She is also a master Storyteller & Art of Persuasion specialist, helping entrepreneurs and founders create impactfull decision-making presentations that "sell" from the stage and generate measurable business results. She calls her clients Future Voices as she is on a mission to shape up the voices of leaders changing the world.
