Written by: Katrina Starr, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The secrets we keep about our pain disrupt the ability to create strong connections.
The secrets I have kept about my own pain have frayed the relationships I care deeply about in this life.
Conversely, I have found that when I express my pain, without shaming or blaming myself or the other person, it creates something almost unexplainable.
It is deeper than compassion.
It is stronger than empathy.
It is the willingness to explore love.
It is the willingness to be seen and heard completely.
And for many of us, that is scary as f*ck.
We have therapists that listen to some of our deepest secrets. Even then, we might only be able to share the surface of the pain. Not knowing what the root cause is of the loops of pain, suffering, and unhappiness.
A few years ago, I shared a secret with a mentor/friend/healer. It had haunted me for years. I decided it was time to love this part of myself. I asked for support to help me transmute this stagnant energy with a theta energy session.
I was able to accept and release the shame I carried for kissing my sister when I was 10 years old. My mom had caught me kissing her on the lips. One look and I took on what made me believe I was “disgusting, unlovable, and a disgrace. A sinner.” No words were said.
I kissed my sister because I wanted to know what love felt like. Could I feel love in a kiss?
Would it allow me to feel more in my heart?
The answer was “NO.”
It didn’t. That act was me forcing my curiosity about love onto another human and love cannot be forced. This experience gave me a beautiful gift, even though it felt like great shame and disappointment for most of my life. I carried it with a heavy heart because I felt it destroyed my trust in my mom and the safety of my sister.
And just as love cannot be thrust upon another, I have learned that the sharing of my pain cannot be forced. It cannot be coaxed out. There aren’t words to make it feel safe. There is no magic wand.
There has to be a willingness for something stronger than the need for safety, certainty, and being understood.
I now see that the willingness to express my pain comes from the deepest DESIRE for connection within myself. To be witnessed by another, without judgment, and FEEL the love that I have for my own mess, pain, heartache, anger, and grief.
It is connected to desire.
And desire is tricky.
Desire can drive us to want to connect with a mistress/lover, in secrecy. It keeps us returning to codependent relationships where self-sabotaging habits thrive. Relationships that are begging us to see where we don’t feel worthy, loved, or appreciated.
Desire acted on without radical honesty and communication can break apart the strongest relationships. This is the start of trauma bonding cycles and can further suppress pain.
My desire for freedom started with the deepest excavation of my secrets. My desire for intimacy has to be rooted in my ability to share my insecurities and pain.
Suppressed pain lingers and carries the same vibration in the body as a forbidden desire. Your partner, lover, or spouse will feel this. This ultimately leads to broken trust and healthy connections cannot survive.
THE 3 TRUTHS THAT SUPPORTED ME
Radical Honesty: willingness to voice and be aware of one’s truths.
Genuine Giving and Receiving: releasing contracts and expectations of giving and receiving.
Embodied Presence: Finding comfort within the discomfort.
If I cannot offer these truths to myself, I cannot offer that to another. Period.
I went deep into the places of running away from myself. I had to experience the massiveness of separation from Source. I became aware of the patterns/beliefs I created to keep me safe as a child. They were not strong enough to keep me safe as an adult. I outgrew them. And I started to practice radical honesty, genuine giving and receiving, and finding ways to be comfortable with the pain to heal.
Desire is key. I allowed desire to be the conduit that helped me to become aware of the pain I was holding onto in my own life. I desired freedom, peace, and connection.
My pain was deep in my subconscious. When my pain started showing up in my external environment, I became aware of it. It felt unlovable, disgusting, and disgraceful. It wasn’t hidden anymore, and I made a choice to heal.
I rooted into understanding my pain/emotions by accessing it with the intelligence of my body. My body showed me exactly what the pain felt like, where it was located, and the way that I needed to love it.
Initially, the 3 truths needed a strong support container to hold me accountable to remove the barriers and roadblocks within my body and subconscious mind. I invested in coaches/mentors to help me with the 3 truths of radical honesty, genuine giving and receiving, and embodied presence.
With the support of subconscious rewiring, breathwork, and coaching, I was able to rewire my brain. I created new pathways. Today, I use the 3 truths in every area of my life. When I encounter a roadblock, I ask for support without hesitation.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I IGNORE MY PAIN?
My relationships suffer.
I put up walls of protection with the ones I love.
I stay in the blame/shame cycles with myself and others.
There were many times, I felt extremely alone in a lot of my relationships. I had an expectation that a romantic relationship would make me feel connected and loved.
Expressing pain, anger, grief, and shame can be very similar to the energy of disclosing that we have a secret mistress/lover. Pain can feel like it holds the power to destroy the relationship(s) when we share with another person.
Sharing our pain feels risky. It requires a person to be highly vulnerable. It is like the saying: “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Most people die with these secrets. And that is preventing us from real joy and bliss.
Trusting that sharing our pain with another person is worth the risk. It invites in love. Love is always present. And if your partner/spouse/lover/friend is not willing to listen, without judgement to your pain that is expressed in a healthy way then that is an invitation for growth to happen.
Being aware of another person’s trauma or pain is important for any healthy relationship. It is important to have an open dialog and ways to handle uncomfortable situations that arise within relationships. Pain can be a major catalyst for growth/transformation.
For many of us, we are giving unconsciously to our pain, instead of nourishing ourselves or our relationships.
We are robbing ourselves of a powerful, authentic life!!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE FORCE GIVING AND AVOID OUR PAIN?
Autoimmune diseases, cancer, neurological conditions, PTSD.
Fractured relationships
Money scarcity.
Unfulfilling work and sex life.
Repeating traumas - feeling the world is against us.
When I started to ask for help from coaches, mentors, and healers, I was terrified. This was not about talk therapy anymore. This was about the deepest excavation and unraveling of my subconscious and I was resisting it. AND I did it anyway.
You have the power to radically change your relationships. By embracing and expressing your pain in a healthy manner you can realize the fullest possibility of connection to yourself and your loved ones.
Today, I have supported hundreds of people to open up to the deepest, most fulfilling, connected, and passionate experiences of love.
Rewiring the brain, leaning fully into support, and living with radical honesty each day works. There is support for pain. And sometimes the temporary pain of growth is what sets us free from the addictions, traumas, and crisis moments.
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Katrina Starr, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Katrina Starr is a mentor and leader in pain recovery, mental prowess, and lifestyle improvement. She was indoctrinated into a fear-based cult as a child and has overcome PTSD, codependencies, and trauma bonding.
Katrina meets her clients exactly where they are at in their process of healing as there is no prescribed methodology. The core of her work is about supporting others in living their most authentic life with the Language Of Lions. She has supported hundreds with DNA rewiring and somatic healing. The results that her clients are getting in their physical, mental, emotional, and financial health are lifelong and extraordinary. It is about unlocking the language inside of us!!
