What Is Intimacy? And 8 Ways To Build It In A Relationship – The Last One May Surprise You
- Apr 13, 2023
- 5 min read
Updated: May 21, 2025
Written by: Dennaé Dumas, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Intimacy is a popular word. There is a deep desire to talk about and learn how to cultivate it, especially in a romantic relationship. But often, I wonder, despite our understanding of intimacy, why does it feel as though the concept of it is elusive? And what could we be getting wrong about our experience of it? Per Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, intimacy is closeness or familiarity in an interpersonal relationship. It can be referred to as the bond one feels towards another person. Intimacy can also describe physical contact, like kissing, cuddling, touching, or sex. Intimacy involves vulnerability, openness, and trust. How interconnected we feel towards another person depends on a multitude of factors.
Attributes like trustworthiness, acceptance, emotional safety, honesty, shared intentions, affection, and communication shape our feelings of closeness. All forms of intimacy don’t necessarily appear in one relationship. You can feel emotionally safe with one person while not having any physical affection towards them, or you can engage in physical touch in a relationship but not feel wholly accepted for who you are. When looking at building intimacy, it is essential that you understand the kind of intimacy you are looking for so that you can nurture it in any relationship.
Here Are Eight Ways to Cultivate Intimacy…
Because intimacy refers to the connection we develop with another person through sharing our thoughts and feelings, we can do so in romantic, familial, and platonic relationships. Understanding this about intimacy and being realistic about what a relationship provides in your life will go a long way toward understanding your needs. When you know your needs in a relationship, you are better able to build intimacy. Here are eight effective forms of intimacy that can be made in a connection.
1. Physical intimacy
Not to be confused with sex, this type of intimacy includes any form of physical touch like hugging, holding hands, laying your head on someone’s shoulder, nudging a friend, or touching someone for comfort. A 2020 study states that appropriate physical touch can lower heart rates and reduce stress and blood pressure resulting in better medical treatment outcomes and an increased perception of companionship.
2. Sexual Intimacy
The word intimacy is often used to describe sex. While this connection can be necessary for some relationships, sex is not a substitute for emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy refers to the physical act of sex and the emotional closeness it causes between partners. This can include sharing your sexual needs, fantasies, and desires. Not every romantic relationship incorporates sex, and sexual connection can change over time. In your romantic partnership, having sex be a priority can help to maintain sexual contact and attraction. It is essential to create a safe space so that people feel comfortable expressing their sexual needs, wants, desires, and boundaries. It is important to note that higher levels of emotional intimacy increase sexual desire, sexual activity, trust, and communication in long-term relationships.
3. Emotional intimacy
This happens when you can share your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with someone. Validation, personal feelings, comfort, understanding, and a deep connection are hallmark traits of emotional intimacy. You feel safe discussing complex topics like past trauma, relationship issues, and life experiences. Emotional intimacy can build trust and security within a relationship. It is predicated on being constantly inquisitive about someone’s inner world and providing them a space to express themselves freely without judgment.
4. Intellectual Intimacy
The shared connection you have with someone over thoughts, opinions, ideas, interests, worldviews, and knowledge. It is connecting with someone past emotional, sexual, and physical intimacy. Intellectual intimacy makes you feel comfortable sharing your opinion with someone even when they diverge, and you can engage in healthy debates about various topics. This type of intimacy can sometimes be forgotten in a romantic relationship. But it is just as essential to maintaining a beneficial partnership over time. It is vital to encourage thought-provoking conversations so that you can connect through logic and philosophical expression. Developing intellectual intimacy could be reading together, having similar attitudes about life, aligning your morals and values, being able to discuss philosophical matters, or nurturing shared interests. Intellectual intimacy, however, is not subconscious bias that excludes people based on racist, classist, ableist, and sizeist preferences.
5. Experiential intimacy
Is bonding through shared experiences like leisure activities. This is done through shared hobbies, social activities, community service, or special occasions. It can also occur when people experience a specific life event together. Experiential intimacy builds better understanding and empathy for another person. Doing something new together, such as hiking, traveling, or kickboxing, is another way to develop experiential intimacy.
6. Spiritual Intimacy
Is not necessarily about religious concepts, although it can center around a shared religion for some. Spiritual intimacy is a dialogue about the greater meaning of life, a higher purpose, or a connection to divine deities. It can include rituals, mindfulness practices, yoga, prayer, or attending church, synagogue, or the mosque. Defining spiritual meaning for oneself has been known to influence one’s romantic relationships and overall well-being positively.
7. Creative Intimacy
The ability to create something together through one’s passions. This can be writing music, poetry, painting, dancing, working on puzzles, or even cooking together. Creative intimacy is not just producing something new and different. It can also include discussing plans, setting goals, or bucket list items. For some people, it involves encouraging and pushing each other to be the best versions of themselves.
8. Financial Intimacy
Although discussed the least, financial intimacy is one of the types of intimacy essential in a relationship. According to TD Ameritrade, 41% of divorces by Gen Z and 29% by Boomers were due to financial issues. Financial intimacy is the ability for people to discuss their authentic and transparent beliefs around money. For partnerships, this includes conversations about shared or separate bank accounts, big purchases like a house or vacation, long-term goals around retirement and investment planning, and what to do in emergencies. It is having difficult conversations around each person’s monetary boundaries. You don’t have to be romantically linked to another to share financial intimacy. It also includes people who own businesses together or feel comfortable discussing their salaries, financial goals, habits, and challenges.
Intimacy is an essential part of any relationship. It helps us feel close to the people in our lives. Being emotionally connected and supported allows people to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. There are many ways to build a bond in relationships; physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual, creative, and financial. Even more forms of intimacy could be listed in this article. You can better communicate and create stronger fondness when you understand the intimacy you build within a bond, thus improving your overall happiness.
Dennaé Dumas, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dennaé has a background as a performing artist and a trained ballet dancer. She understands the necessity of the mind-body connection for a thriving sex life. Dennaé’s practice has an emphasis on compassionate care, developing rapport that aligns with client needs and promoting cultural competency, inclusivity, and sex positivity. Dennaé is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy, with degrees from UNC, Université de Lyon 3, and Columbia University, where she received her MBA & MSW.
