Written by: Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There are few things in life that can cut as painfully, or as deeply, as a carefully-worded insult.
You may react by stating it would be obvious that a sword or really sharp knife can physically cut through flesh, leaving a deep, open wound to the bone that would be excruciatingly painful to the victim.
You’re right! It would be incredibly painful! A deep wound like that, however, can be surgically treated and in time, will heal. This is the difference between hurtful or dehumanising words and our bodily wounds and scars. Although scars remain with us forever, with every sighting of them being a reminder of what happened, they will, in time, heal and fade.
In no way am I minimising dramatic events in peoples’ lives which have left scars on them both mentally and physically, but there is no doubt the damage of hurtful words can be more pronounced and damaging to the human psyche, simply because off the generally lengthier period of impact on them. They can cause many years of heartache, disappointment, lack of self-esteem, triggers that evoke intense negative emotions or anxiety, even leading to long-term depression.
Verbal comments that stick
Victims of verbal abuse, whether from partners, managers, parents, teachers, people in other positions of authority, siblings, peers or even children, can attest to the suffering caused by a few careless words uttered in a rage, drunken or intensely anxious state, or a purposefully hurtful comment said to them. The worst of it is that the perpetrators know full well the damage they are causing by their words. They know what the person’s vulnerabilities are and will push those buttons.
Take this simple, unassuming comment: “Have you calmed down now?”
These words, come across as accusatory – ‘calmed down’ has a negative connotation and anyone hearing this or reading it would assume the person it is attributed to was in a frantic state. They weren’t. They had just had a stressful experience and the person saw their red cheeks after driving in a hot car, and from that made an assumption they were angry.
Compare that to the following: “You seemed to be stressed earlier. Are you okay?” Can you note the difference in how the words used to come across as more empathetic and caring vs the first comment?
There are very few people I know, or whom I have coached, who have not had someone say the following to them:
You will never amount to anything
You are too lazy/incompetent/stupid to make a success of your life
You are fat, do you not feel embarrassed?
I do not need to ask if you like eating, I can see it just by looking at you
Shut up! No one wants to hear what you have to say anyway
Do not just sit around doing nothing, make yourself useful
Are you really stupid or are you just pretending?
Why bother coming anyway, no-one cares if you are here or not
Every one of the above is damaging to the recipient’s confidence and self-esteem. They may be quiet afterwards, or they may leave the room, but assuredly, they will be hurt by such comments.
The hurt is two-fold. It is the actual words spoken, exacerbated by the fact they are said in front of others which is painfully humiliating and embarrassing for the receiver.
.
When managers berate a staff member in front of others, a teacher shouts at a child in front of the class, or a parent makes a derogatory comment to their child in front of their friend, it is this humiliation in the presence of others that adds fuel to the fire, causing them to feel belittled.
If there is anything negative to be addressed with anyone, there are specific ways in which this should be dealt with and not restricted to managers, but for any difficult conversation, namely:
These conversations must be held behind closed doors where no-one else will be privy to the conversation
Emotions must be contained
Address the individual respectfully
A good way of dealing with any negative situation is to use the positive, negative, positive method, for example. “I see you’ve been working really hard lately and want to thank you for your dedication, it is appreciated.”
Wait for their response, then continue. “ I just want to ask you something – I noticed in your last report there was some errors. Would you like to chat about what caused this?”
Once the negative issue is addressed, finish with: “Keep up the hard work, your efforts do not go unnoticed”
You may be critical of the person’s work or behaviour, but never criticise them as a person ie. their personal character traits or virtues
Someone underperforming at work or at school does not mean they are a bad person. This is very important distinction
If it is a personal character trait issue such as bad body odour, theft, or other personal issue affecting them or others in the workplace, ensure there is a representative from Human Resources to attend the meeting, and that they have been fully briefed on the situation
Do not ask for peoples’ opinion/s or ideas if you do not intend to listen to what they say. If you do not agree with them, state your opinion with justification why you feel the way you do.
Respect
We all want others to treat us respectfully so it is hugely important that we also ensure we treat others the way we wish to be treated.
Especially if one holds a position of authority, (yes, including being a parent), take note of how important it is to treat your stakeholders, including your children.
Most people give more credence to the words said to us by our elders or leaders in the community than those said by a peer.
Think on this for a minute. Do you respect their:
Personal space
Belongings (even if you bought them all)
Opinions or views on any topic, listening with an open mind
Boundaries (if they say no, it means no)
Lives. They are not you. They are entitled to their own thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. This does not mean they love you any less
All of the above apply to all people in our lives. Respect is the key to treating people well. This includes the words you use in every conversation with them.
A good way to check oneself is to make a list of how you want people to treat you, including the words that encourage and motivate you. When you read through the list ask yourself whether you do these things for others and whether you ever use those uplifting words when speaking with others...
Confidence
Ever wonder why some people are so confident, yet others not? Did you ever consider that it could be due to words said to them over the years?
We may think it could not possibly be something so ‘simple’, yet in my own case, the continuous hurtful words and phrases had done indelible damage to my self-esteem to the point where I became a recluse for many years.
Luckily I was one of the fortunate ones who underwent life coaching training and managed to turn my mind around, using the negative statements to my advantage. I reviewed my life and ascertained what was true, and which were peoples’ incorrect perceptions of me.
Realising too I could either hate these people forever or I could let go and accept they really did not know me very well, forgiving them for their incorrect assumptions of me. These were liberating emotions that changed my life.
Choose your words wisely
Do not become one of those people someone needs to learn to forgive later in life. Choose your words wisely before you speak.
Ask yourself this:
Will my words build or destroy? Will they be taken up as motivational or destructive?
Even if it is a negative issue needing to be addressed, how can I get my message across in a positive way?
If I say something hurtful, how will it make me and the other person feel?
Is it worth hurting them just to get my feelings out there?
Realise that the words you use can make someone see you as a role model or as someone who helped to destroy their sense of self-worth.
Be sure to be the former.
Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Merrill Isherwood is a life transformation coach who has spent much of her life being of service to others in the corporate world and her personal life. She has an exemplary work ethic and is driven by living a life of integrity, having honesty, kindness, trust, and respect as her core values. Her psychological counseling degree, supported by her accreditation in life coaching, allows her to ensure her clients are suitably supported in transforming their lives. She specializes in body image, lack of self-esteem, overcoming abusive or toxic relationships, finding life direction, forgiveness, and overcoming adversity. To her, a life well lived means making a difference in each person's life that you are fortunate enough to touch, even if only in the smallest way possible.
