Written by: Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Valentine's Day is the holiday to celebrate all things love, but it can be an incredibly painful time of the year if your love has fallen apart. It's well-known that Valentine's Day can lay bare the cracks in a relationship, causing breakups and divorces to skyrocket around this time. If you are facing the prospect of going through Valentine's Day alone or amid an ongoing divorce, you need to take care of yourself in some fundamental ways.
Nurture Other Forms Of Love
Romantic love is not the only type of fulfilling relationship in your life, and now would be an excellent opportunity to nurture the other forms of love you share with others. These relationships are just as meaningful as your romantic relationship, just in different ways. Unfortunately, you might not have had much time for these relationships lately if you have been focused on the relationship with your spouse. You can start with family members. This could be anyone you are particularly close to or haven't connected much with lately, whether your grandparents, parents, siblings or children.
Spend a day or two bonding with your kids, doing what they want to do, taking them somewhere fun. It's important to reassure your children that your maternal love for them is still strong even if the romantic love between you and your spouse is not. Check-in on your family and see what is going on in their lives. Perhaps even go visit them. It's also an excellent time to kindle your relationships with your close friends.
Married life often means you have little time to maintain relationships with friends, so divorce can create an opportunity to strengthen these friendships once more. In addition to reaching out to friends you are currently close to, you can also reconnect with old friends you might not have talked to in a long time. While spending time with people you love in other ways, be upfront with them about your current feelings on the subject of romance and relationships. They should be respectful of the challenges you are facing and avoid talking about their romantic relationships unless you want them to. You might want to only speak to them about non-relationship subjects, and that is totally okay.
Start Looking For Love Again
Another option you might want to consider involves taking tangible steps towards finding another romantic partner. If your previous relationship has ended and you are truly emotionally ready to get into another one, there are countless ways to meet new people.
One of the best approaches is through social activities with people who have similar interests. This can be anything from hiking to biking to wine tastings. Even if you don't meet anyone who becomes your significant other, you can still forge new connections with people and be enriched by doing something you enjoy.
Dating apps and websites are also good options because you can be matched with people who meet your criteria from the start. Remember to be upfront about your current situation and relationship status with anyone you are interested in.
You may not be ready to pursue a relationship again after a divorce, but if you are prepared, the mood surrounding Valentine's Day can be the motivation you need to put yourself back out there. There are plenty of other lonely people just like you who might also feel motivated to seek a new romantic partner around this time.
Avoid Social Media
Social media around this time can be ablaze with people talking about their own romantic relationships. If you are going through a divorce, though, this can be painful to see time and time again. Handle this by cutting back on social media around Valentine's Day. Use it only when necessary and instead spend the time doing the other things mentioned in this list. If you do use social media and come across posts from friends happy in their marriages, avoid comparing yourself to them.
Also, keep in mind every couple's situation is different. You will only put yourself down if you continuously compare yourself unfavorably to others. You are also likely only seeing the positive things in these relationships rather than the negative ones.
Additionally, If happier times with your spouse are going to show up in your posts from previous years, take advantage of the tools offered by social media sites to filter these out. You can also set ad preferences to avoid subjects related to marriage, romance, and Valentine's Day.
Show Yourself Some Love
On a difficult Valentine's Day, perhaps the person most in need of love is yourself. Now is the time to take some time for yourself, practice some self-care and do the activities that make you happy. Your options are endless. You can buy yourself some flowers and champagne, cook or order your favorite meal, complete with a dessert, and watch your favorite movie. You can take a long relaxing bath and a nap. You could go out with your girlfriends for a night in the town.
It's okay to take a day or two or more to relax, unwind and do something fun. This might also be a great time to do something you have meant to do for a while, like learning another language, learning a new hobby, or starting a small freelance business.
Start doing the things you couldn't or didn't have the time to do in your married life. This can help you move forward into the next stage of your life. All of these options for practicing self-care can take your mind off the pain, heartbreak, and second-guessing yourself that often come during and after a divorce. Showing some love and care for yourself for a change will improve your mood and sense of self-worth.
Seek Help If You're Struggling
No one can blame you for really struggling to get through a difficult time. If you need it, do not be ashamed to seek professional help. Don't hide from what you are feeling ‒ rise to meet it instead.
If you don't, you run the risk of getting stuck and being unable to move forward.
Your mental health will likely suffer further, which will not only hurt you but the people around you as well.
A counselor or other mental health professional can help you navigate the complex feelings you are experiencing. They can provide an objective, outside perspective that you might need to hear. They will guide you through techniques that are known to be effective. Depending on your situation, medication can help, too, as determined by a qualified psychiatrist.
Focus On The Way Forward
Perhaps the best way to get through a difficult Valentine's Day is to make progress on the things that need to get done for you to move forward in your life. The feeling of being stuck can be the worst part of the entire situation, so taking tangible steps to move forward is one of the best things you can do to cope with the intense emotions during this time.
Focusing on the practical things you need to do can keep your mind off the trauma and sorrow of remembering the romance you shared. Do tasks such as preparing financial documents or consulting with your attorney. Although you might remember the good times in your relationship more strongly around Valentine's Day, don't get wrapped up in nostalgic emotions and make any poor decisions about trying to get back together with your ex.
Bottom line: You’re still a diamond Darling, worthy of love and every good and beautiful thing. View Valentine's Day as an opportunity to love yourself more. You deserve it.
Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jolisa Webb is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach ® and the owner of Beauty in the Midst, LLC, a woman and Veteran-owned small business company. Beauty in the Midst DBA Divorce Coach Confidante is rooted in healing presence and holistic, action- and outcome-focused philosophies.
As a divorced mother, a retired and highly decorated Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, and an executive leader, she knows first-hand what the divorce experience can feel like both personally and professionally. With a career spanning the globe, Jolisa has over 30 years of executive, analytical, and leadership expertise in strategic human resources management, with demonstrated success in command and control, communications, information management, personnel, training, protocol, and military equal opportunity.
As a result of her own lessons learned, she became a divorce coach to help female Veterans and other professional women who might be thinking about divorce, in the midst of a divorce, or struggling to move on in the aftermath of a divorce. Jolisa understands how lonely and overwhelming the divorce process can be no matter how intelligent, accomplished, strong and beautiful a woman is. No matter where they are in the divorce process, her Signature Packages are designed to help her clients think and make decisions in a way that honors their truth.
