Written by: Grace Alfafara, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A common saying says, “Once a cheater always a cheater”. Some would argue this that is not always the case especially when a person desires true change. But this only happens to a very small percentage of the people in the world. And why is that? Ever wonder why?
“It is not about what’s missing in what you want out of the relationship. People cheat because they do not know who they truly are, which is their healthy version of themselves.” – Grace Alfafara
Justification on instant gratification is not an excuse to cheat as if the grass is always greener on the other side. Where is personal accountability these days? How are we setting an example for the next generation?
Also, there are different reasons why men and women cheat.
Men do it for sexual needs. Women do it for their emotional needs. But the commonality for both genders is due to their own unmet emotional human needs i.e., the feeling of being significant, the need to be loved, the need for variety from uncertainties and certainties, the need for contribution, security, they don’t feel heard, appreciated, or valued, and it can also stem from their childhood trauma or past relationship trauma with their previous partner.
Perhaps, their outside validation to feel worthy enough is undervalued by the person they love, but subconsciously without realizing it, they do it to themselves too.
Is it always true that the grass is greener on the other side?
But there’s also a different angle we need to look at on why people cheat. And this angle we need to go through the root cause of where it is truly stemming from.
Here are the 5 top lists of the root cause of cheating
They don’t know who they truly are. Therefore, they justify their reasoning by seeking outside validation with an attitude of gratification as an excuse to cheat. Therefore, they always blame the other person who doesn’t meet their unmet needs… instead of taking personal accountability for what they lack.
They lack self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence in trusting themselves, therefore they fail to protect the relationship they already have with their significant other from any lustful temptations that they choose to allow within their intrinsic world. These are some red flag signs of weaknesses.
They lack self-trust and are in fear when it comes to long-term commitment due to fear of the uncertainties that lead to self-doubts.
They fear rejection and confrontation due to unrealistic assumptions or expectations from their partners.
Their self-doubt breeds open doors to distractions i.e., temptations to cheat.
I have several people who shared with me their own experiences of why they cheated. I won't be mentioning any names here for privacy’s sake. I will share briefly on point their stories on why they chose to cheat, why they did it, what they have learned from those experiences why they want true change, and why they felt they regretted what they did and were not proud of; Where is cheating stems from, what advice would they give to their younger self and other people who are going through this situation?
Questions I asked the volunteered participants and the common answers from any of these questions are as follows when answered by both gender men and women:
1. Why do men/women cheat while in a long-term committed relationship?
Men: “I didn’t get what I needed at home like sex, physical touch, and someone to hold.”; “I never want to go back home feeling like I am being constantly judged and emasculated like I am not enough as a man for her and being compared with other men”; “There was no time for me and her to date because we had kids right away”; “There’s always a ‘honey-to-do-list’ when I get home that I can't seem to just relax with her and be intimate so I ended up to look elsewhere”; “I still felt alone even though I was married”… and so on…
Women: “I didn’t feel valued, or appreciated, or good enough for him.”; “ I feel like he compares me with other attractive younger women like my friends or on social media”; “I feel like being suppressed with my feelings that I can’t seem to express my true self with him that I ended up impressing him and lose myself in loving him”; “I feel like I am not enough or attractive enough”; “I feel I wasn’t getting enough support with my career apart from being a wife”; “I feel like he wasn’t man enough to level up as a husband and a father to protect our marriage and family”; “I feel like he is a mama’s and daddy’s boy and he doesn’t support me as his wife”; “I feel like he never listens to who I am versus what I do as he doesn’t know how to communicate well with a woman”; “ I feel like he doesn’t care nor understand what I am sharing with him on a spiritual level, and there was no spiritual deep connection”; “I do everything for him, but I feel he never appreciates it and I was abuse financially, emotionally, and mentally”…
2. What lessons have you learned from cheating?
Men: “I am not proud of it. I learned a lot about myself and with all the different women I was with and each taught me a lesson about communication, or you can have a perfect partner but my heart isn’t in love with her”; “I learned that never take love for granted”; “There’s no guaranteed in life and you just learn to trust together equally” …
Women: “I learned not to take love for granted and appreciate the flaws and beauty in whatever form as long you don’t lose yourself”; “I am grateful that it has taught me to better understand myself in how I can appreciate him”; “It taught me to value on how to raise a gentleman and that way the next generation will not go through what I went through”; “I learned how to love with appreciation and without measure or judgment”…
3. What are the most common lessons you have learned in that situation?
Women/Men: “Communication is key as it brings transparency.”
4. What advice would you give others who are going through this situation?
Women/Men: “Learn to have transparency in your communication”; “Confront in love and peace to resolve mutually how to move on whether it ends or bring the marriage together again.”; “Get counseling even though it might not work in the end, as long you keep trying to mend the relationship if there’s still love in there…”
Those answers were briefly shared by these men and women on what they have learned from their “cheating” or “infidelity” experiences.
Cheating is a demonstration of weaknesses that opens the door to temptations of distractions and another kind of can of worms to deal with. These unwelcome energies can break a sacred union of marriage or love between two partners and even sabotage the intrinsic world deep within you.
One of the main powerful questions I ask is “Is Love enough?”
Others would say to answer the question of whether love is enough, “There was no love”. Then my next question is, if there was no love, how would you create love with the person you chose to be with? What do you appreciate about that person you want to be with long-term when you chose them to be in your life in the first place?
You see, Love is enough when we know who we are as we journey on together in the unknown journey of true love.
Love is enough when we journey together in the face of financial burdens, mentally, energetically, emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually.
Love is enough in the face of loss and death journey.
Love is enough in the face of discouragement.
Love is enough in the face of adversity.
Love is enough in the face of fear.
Love is the glue of all that holds things together.
The lack of love is the root of all evil and darkness or fear.
Temptations, it is a form of weakness or a coping mechanism (a band-aid to a temporary solution) that disconnects us from our true selves, true love experiences, our soul’s heart, and our life’s purpose. When we choose to cheat, it is not love at all. We rob ourselves of true love and the person who trusted us that we don’t deserve. This ‘failure or mistake” experience from our own consequences actions costs us more effort than we are willing to pay. Temptations can be more appealing than going through a journey with our partner on top of the mountain. The choice to give in to temptations is also a choice. Failure is a choice and so is true love. Fear is a choice and so is healing.
Life is always a choice and so is love. Love is a verb of choice that has the essence of feeling love and being love. Love is a choice we make every single day even in our most vulnerable moments and unravel each imperfection of our scars, that is when we must choose to love even harder the person we choose to be with for a lifetime and vice versa.
So, for us to experience a gift of true love in our lives, we must choose to stay in motion consistently with a gratitude attitude just like how the current of the water of life flows. This can look like how we must choose adaptation through appreciation of our partner over self-imposed suffering through giving in to temptations.
Yes, we certainly must learn to enjoy the good times when everything aligns with our north star with our significant other. But those are not rules to abide by. They are exceptions to our choices as we are not defined when things are great and when things are in alignment. We are defined by how we pick up the broken pieces and keep moving and healing forward when things are not going our way. Our lives are shaped by how we handle the temptation of distractions that are projected in front of us; it is our ability to withstand our ground that leads us back to our truth, love, and pure peace.
In conclusion, we all have doubts within ourselves, within our relationships, or on others. It also can bring us to ask tough questions we would not want to hear the answers to. But also realizing these tough questions can help us transform our answers into a transformational journey that is required of us to grow for our personal growth. Because in life, true growth requires us to have the willingness to be a beginner, a student to life, a new ladder to climb this journey and perhaps with our significant other. The choice to co-create with our significant other is always a gift of experience that only true love can demonstrate within the adaptation and adjustment in the journey of the climb, which shapes resiliency in us. And that is how deep and intense the love can get when we truly love from our soul’s heart space.
Remember, that by the end of the day, you are your own longest commitment. When cheating comes to mind, remember that you are only cheating your way out of true love and the person who trusted you doesn’t deserve this kind of weak behavior. Our weakness is always a sign that tells us to work on our strengths. So, whenever temptations show up, never show any engagement to it and if you do, you will welcome unwelcome energies that will set you back in creating a reality of self-inflicting pain and suffering. Life is a cause and effect in the wheels of karma. So, don’t get stuck not knowing who you are by giving in to temptations.
So, commit to learning how to love your true self, and by that when the temptations in this life test your faith and trust, you will stand by your truth because you know who your healthiest version of yourself is. Stay true to yourself and you will attract who you are and not what you want. For who you are is an indicator of what’s truly in your soul’s heart coherent space. And any temptations that try to lure your focus, you will be unstoppable because you know who your healthiest version of your true self is and embody as you choose to climb with your significant other.
So, the next tough question is, “What’s your next step in moving and healing forward after all the setbacks with infidelity?”
“What does true love mean to you and how does that feel like?”
“How would you co-create true love with your partner?”
“If the temptations are trying to pop in while you heal forward, what would you do now that you know better?”
“What are your committed inspired healthy habits that will set an example to your children and other couples who are going through what you went through?
“Do you believe that true love exists and is it worth pursuing rather than cheating?”
To know more about how to heal forward and have the tools to cultivate the person you want to be so you can start experiencing true love, private message me and book your session on Relationship Resiliency Intelligence.
I see you; I feel you; and I understand you. I am you. I went through what you went through and have also experienced true love. True love exists and is worth pursuing by embodying its essence of it, as we cultivate to be a person of value. So, very few people desire true change after infidelity and this gives hope to our children that true love does exist when we truly love without measuring or keeping score. And when we apply love with appreciation, that is the highest form of love.
Remember, be valuable and not too available to just anyone. Be a person of value with substance, as we learn to own up our story despite our flaws and successes.
To start your journey in healing forward, ask yourself this question, as you read and click on my previous article here: “Who are you when you are not distracted?”. I hope this resonates with you. The healing journey of knowing who you truly are is part of being open to your healing forward to love better again after the dark cause and effect of infidelity.
Grace Alfafara, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Grace Alfafara, is a mother to 4 teenagers, a Published Author, Grief Advocate, Certified Sophrologist, and a Certified Transformational Life Coach, in which she specializes in emotional and adaptability intelligence. She also develops an online empowerment Masterclass. She has lived in 5 countries and has worked as a Philanthropist for several years with her family. Her background education in Western culture on Psychology, Quantum Consciousness, and life growing up in a blend of Eastern and African cultures full of diverse life experiences have brought immense wisdom within the span of her life. A mother on a mission: empowering others to embody their true resilient essence wholeheartedly.