Written by: Tomas Svitorka, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“One of the biggest tragedies in life is having everything you ever wanted and still being unhappy.” ~Tomas Svitorka
Have you ever achieved something you’ve effortfully worked for only to find out that the accomplishment didn’t quite make you feel how you expected, leaving you disappointed or even feeling empty?
You may be surprised to hear that this is more common than you think.
Throughout my career, I’ve worked with many successful people from all walks of life: entrepreneurs, CXOs, bankers, traders, and performers at the top level in their field.
And statements like the ones below are not uncommon:
“On paper, I have everything I could wish for, but I still feel unfulfilled.”
“I’m the best one in my field, but it means nothing to me. “
“I should be happy, but I’m not. “
“What’s wrong with me? “
If you’ve achieved something that was supposed to make you feel accomplished and instead you’re thinking, “Is this it?” then there’s most likely nothing is wrong with you.
You may simply be winning in the wrong game.
We live in a world where what success is and what should make us feel fulfilled is often imposed on us through the internet, TV, social media, and culture in general. Sometimes we see others happy having the cars, houses, and promotions, so we assume it would make us happy, too. And other times, this may stem from our upbringing where our parents believed they knew what was best for us to make us happy, to make them proud, and frankly, sometimes, what would make neighbours jealous.
What’s winning in the wrong game?
Winning in the wrong game simply means being accomplished at something that does not fulfil you, your needs and values, and is not aligned with what you really care about.
Is there the right game to win?
Absolutely. And not just that.
From working with hundreds of clients, one can find themselves in one of four quadrants of The Right Game Model.
Game = the goals and ambitions one is pursuing.
Winning/losing = successful one is at it.
Winning in the right game
This is the ideal place to aspire to be in life. This is where you feel accomplished and fulfilled in areas you care about and find meaningful. This may be a career, relationship, hobby, business, etc. You love it, and you’re great at it. It often feels like you were made for it.
If this is where you are, I recommend regularly reflecting to ensure you’re still on the right track and feel fulfilled and performing at your highest level.
Losing in the right game
Losing in the right game is not a bad place to be. Yes, winning would be much more fulfilling but what’s important is that you know you’re on the right path. Nobody shoots straight to the top. Stay focused, enjoy working towards your goal and live your passion. One day you’ll look back and realise this has been the best part of the journey.
If this is where you are, my recommendation is to study those on the top, the masters. Focus on strategy and grit. If you’re heading in the right direction, now it’s about consistency and perseverance.
Winning in the wrong game
Winning in the wrong game can feel extremely empty. You may feel like you SHOULD be happy, SHOULD feel accomplished and grateful. There’s often a lot of guilt that comes with it as these achievers know that there are others who’d give everything to be in your position. But, the good news is that you’ve already proven you have the grit and what it takes to be an achiever. It’s like you’re a racing car with enormous winning potential. You’ve just been racing on the wrong track.
If this is where you are, my recommendation is to start exploring what you really care about. Start with reflecting on what your values are. In my practice, I often take my clients through a process called The Ultimate Values Deep Dive, where we identify their top values (things like freedom, impact, etc.) and then identify in depth what each value looks like how it needs to be fulfilled. To feel fulfilled, one needs to live in alignment with their top values.
Being accomplished in an area, you don’t care about is like hating oysters and having to eat a plate of them every day. It’s just going to make you sick regardless of how expensive they are or how much others rave about them.
Losing in the wrong game
Losing in the wrong game is common. It’s hard to be motivated and driven to do something when your heart is not in it. One can feel lost, underachieved, or even worthless. The biggest danger is the negative impact on your confidence and self-esteem over time.
The good news is that it can only get better from here.
You need to make it better.
If this is where you are, my recommendations are:
Take pride in whatever you do. Wherever you are at, whatever you do, do it to your best ability. When you take pride in what you do and do your best job, it will leave you much more satisfied with who you are. Use your situation to practice being the best version of yourself REGARDLESS of what life is right now. This will help you immensely when you’re on the right path.
Spend time soul searching and reflecting on what it is you really want. Ideally, stop focusing on finding a PERFECT “game” but rather a BETTER game. You may not be able to see what your true calling is from where you’re at. Focus on improvements, not perfect solutions.
Whichever quadrant of the model you may find yourself in, I hope the tips above are useful pointers for what to do next.
Perhaps you’re wondering whether it’s worthwhile to be working towards winning in the right game. What if it takes years?
I know many people who have achieved it, and I’d count myself as one of them.
Sometimes it took them just a few months. Other times it took them years, even decades.
But, regardless of the time it took, no one has ever regretted it.
Tomas Svitorka, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tomas is a peak performance coach, business mentor, speaker and award-winning entrepreneur. He is the founder of the OK is NOT enough coaching method and the Unbreakable Self-Discipline Bootcamp. He’s highly passionate about helping ambitious professionals and entrepreneurs achieve the highest level of their personal and professional performance.
Tomas has built his reputation through coaching hundreds of clients including industry leaders, billionaire entrepreneurs, Silicon Valley CEOs, rising stars in global corporations and influencers at the top of their game.
Tomas has been interviewed in dozens of podcasts including The Unconventionalists, and has been featured in various publications such as The Guardian, GQ, Virgin Media, Coach Magazine, and Vice.
