Written by: Lark Ericson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Don’t fear the friend zone; it might just be the beginning. Have you ever felt angry or frustrated that a woman friendzoned you? Well, stop it! That is an expectation and a judgment that you placed on her to be immediately enamored with you, and you have no control over how other people feel or behave.
Have you ever had a woman be way more into you than you were into her? Did you think that woman was repulsive or creepy, or were you simply uninterested in her? Did you hook up with her later, once you saw her in a new light? We are always changing and evolving, and so is what we find attractive. Some days you feel like eating Thai food, and some days you feel like having pizza. If a woman isn’t into you immediately, it doesn’t mean she never will be, but it is a possibility.
Women are raised on a steady diet of fairy tale romances and rom-com hijinks, and most of these stories don’t start off as love at first sight. There is opposition, annoyance, and fighting, and usually the main characters despise each other in the beginning but eventually fall in love. So for women, we don’t see not immediately jumping into a relationship as a negative thing or a setback. We just want to get to know you first.
Why being in the friend zone can be a good thing
1. Spending time as friends first gives you time to figure out what you really want. Are you interested in having a committed relationship or just a long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend? Neither answer is right; it only matters that you know what you want and that you are honest about it.
2. Becoming friends first gives you the opportunity to see if you even like her as a person. Of course, in the beginning, she seems great, but maybe after spending some time with her, you’ll start to be annoyed with how she mispronounces a word or realize you don’t find the same things funny. By taking the time to be friends first, you can discover if she really is the right person for you and possibly save yourself the heartache and headache of breaking up.
3. Being friends first also gives both of you the opportunity to set up boundaries and realistic expectations before clouding the relationship with emotions and sex. Together, you can establish how often you text and see each other and what activities you do together. You’ll discover if you’re actually compatible or just better off as friends.
Why do some women want to be friends first?
1. Women need to feel safe with you. Period. Dating takes courage on both sides; men are opening themselves up to rejection, and women are opening themselves up to possible assault or even murder. In this clip, one of my favorite comedians, Louis CK, does such a great job summing up the courage women need for dating. Most of the women I know have experienced some form of harassment, assault, or stalking. This is why most women want to take their time getting to know you before they fling the doors of their lives open and let you in.
It is not about you personally; it is about the woman and her safety and well-being. One of the greatest dangers to women is men. Nearly 3 in 10 women (29%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by a partner, and almost half of all women (48%) have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner.
So yeah, they are going to do their due diligence and suss you out before they start a relationship with you. How much time do you spend researching a car before buying it? It’s just research before getting a different kind of ride.
2. Besides the safety issue, women might want to be friends first for a whole bunch of normal reasons that again have nothing to do with you. Just like men, women may be going through something, and being in a relationship at the moment is just not a priority.
Don’t fake friendship
1. Either be a genuine friend or leave. Enjoy what you have together as friends, and don’t expect anything more out of it. Don't hold your expectations too high. Don’t pretend to be her friend while just biding your time to make a move. Don’t act like a nice guy and then start groping her the minute she starts to show a little interest in you; that is so gross to women. She might be warming up to the idea of you being more than friends, and if you rush it, you run the risk of turning her off. Be her friend.
2. Remember that being a friend is not one-sided, so make sure she is also being a friend to you. Make sure you have balanced communication and that she also sometimes texts you first or invites you to things. This comes back to having healthy boundaries. Being a friend does not mean bending over backwards in the hopes that she’ll one day see you differently. Manage your own experience so that you don’t get hurt.
Being friends with women is great
1. If it turns out that you two are destined to remain just friends, then cherish the bond you share. Women make excellent friends because they are typically more experienced in having deeper, long-term friendships than men.
2. Now you have a wing, woman! She can help you understand the female perspective and give you pointers on how to be even more attractive to the opposite sex. Most women know a lot about self-care and skin care, and they can help you look and feel your best.
The truth is, if you like her enough to be in a relationship, isn’t she also good enough to be your friend?
By not being open to friendship, you are only valuing her for one thing. Would you like to be desired for only one thing, say, the amount of money you make? No, you wouldn’t. Treasure this friend being in your life, because who knows what the future holds? True intimacy and healthy relationships take time, and they all look different. Don’t think of being friends as baiting and switching until you get what you want; think of how much you get from having this wonderful person in your life.
If you’re interested in working with Lark and joining an inspiring group of like-minded men, check out The Positive Masculinity Program.
For more info about Lark Ericson, follow her on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit her website.
Lark Ericson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lark Ericson’s mission is for men to have healthier relationships with themselves and others. She experienced severe burnout and throughout her healing journey, many men in her life confided that they don’t have the same encouragement from their communities to make time for themselves as women do. Lark is a certified health and life coach, a certified hypnotherapist, and a registered nurse. Drawing from her own experiences in restoring her mental and physical health, she has established a program that provides men the perspective and tools to create the lives they want.
