Written by: Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The more I interact with people across the globe the more I realise there is another global pandemic raging. It is invisible to the naked eye, waging a massive, destructive war within so many innocent people.
Only when engaging in meaningful conversation with others does this ‘hidden travesty’ reveal itself.
Keyword planner search tools show more than 1,900 searches using the exact phrase ‘I am not good enough’ as being done recently, with related keywords appearing in 8.3 billion searches worldwide. These are incredible numbers and a scary reflection of the damage being inflicted on peoples’ psyche by others.
What is causing this feeling of unworthiness within us that it is reaching such epidemic proportions?
In my coaching practice I am finding all clients experiencing a sense of failure. They feel they do not measure up to others’ expectations which is gradually eroding their self-confidence to the point where they feel completely unworthy of living.
This is exceptionally dangerous as preoccupation with suicide becomes prevalent in their lives. They no longer feel they bring any value to anyone or the world, that the world would be a better place without them in it.
Why do we lack self-worth?
This sense of having no value comes from external sources. Intrinsically humans are self-assured. As confident as we may be, when judged by others, being told we don’t measure up, that we are not good enough, we take these words to heart and start believing it.
Has someone ever said this to you, by numerous people? If you have, I can fully relate to how you must have felt when it was said to you.
How we respond
The people who say this to us are often in positions of authority and will use this as a sign of their power over us. It could also be said to us when we are in a close relationship with them, where the person, by leaving you infers they think you are not good enough for them.
They can use this as a means of manipulation or emotional abuse. Left unchecked it can also
evolve into physical abuse so be cautious of any signs of escalation.
How we internalise this is one of the challenges we need to personally overcome when dealing with this kind of behaviour, no matter from whom it is coming. How do we do this?
It sounds simple enough, because it is.
The Reality Check
We need to do a reality check. This reality check must be done against our own perceptions of ourselves and that of others, who believe they have a right of judgment over our lives. Ask yourself this question - do you blindly believe what others say about you? If your response is a definite yes, (or even if a reserved yes), read the next section carefully and take note.
Why are reality checks important?
Firstly because there may be some truth to what the person said.
Realising we can learn from something negative said about us is all part of the maturing process. They may be helping us, which may take courage on their part, when said out of care or concern. We could be doing them, and ourselves an injustice by fobbing their opinions off. They may actually have our best interests at heart, but their delivery may not have been what we would have hoped.
A little discernment is key on our parts to ascertain their true motives. The saying; “take it from whence it comes’ is a valuable tool in discerning the person’s intentions. The lessons learned could stand us in good stead moving forward so look at criticism constructively.
Is it someone who knows you fairly well and who has acted in your best interests in the past, or is it someone who has constantly found fault with everything you do? Only you can answer this question.
If you feel the person’s intent is to be hurtful, destructive, malicious towards you, ask yourself why.
Have you done something to them either intentionally or un –, to evoke this negative action? If you can think of no reason for their conduct, how do you approach it?
Secondly, what was said may not be true, yet we could spend the rest of our lives believing something negative about ourselves when we know, in reality, the comment has no substance to it.
When told something more than once, we start believing it despite the fact we know it is not true. This is a form of being broken down emotionally.
How did you react? Did you face them head-on, shrug it off, (but inside it’s eating away at you), or did you cautiously try and establish from them why they said what they did?
Standing up for yourself
For me, in the past, I would just let it be. I do not enjoy conflict, so I would let it slide, irrespective of how hurtful or damaging it was to me, my career, or my life.
I regret not having done coaching earlier in my life as I would have managed so many decisions I made differently. On many occasions, I walked away to avoid conflict, to my and my loved ones’ detriment. I have often wondered what the outcome would have been had I been wiser then.
Nonetheless, I took one knock after another, until I decided one day so far and no further.
There comes a time in most of our lives when we become tired of letting others trod on us. For me that day occurred in October 2018, I stood up to my abuser.
Knowing all I had done, and after much prayer, I stood up for myself against my abuser. I was so proud of myself. I was unemotional, factual, kept calm, and it disabled her completely. My stance threw her off track, being so unexpected and so different from the way I had managed similar situations with her in the past, that she did not know how to react. After a couple of hours of private deliberation with her posse of belligerent followers, she left the meeting.
She never even had the courtesy to advise me the case against me was dropped, confirmation to me of how little courage she had.
The reaction
Instead of the storm of wrath from her that I was expecting, she changed completely in her dealings with me. She treated me respectfully, spoke in muted tones, using courteous vocabulary.
I could not believe it. I was astounded and in disbelief.
How I wished I had followed my convictions and stood up to her years earlier!
The measure of ‘good enough’
Before you lose yourself like I did as a result of the judgment of others, do the reality check and start with this question; “According to whose measure is anything good enough?”
When someone says you are not good enough, they are usually judging you against their expectations.
Ask yourself:
Do you know exactly what their expectations are?
Can you measure up to those expectations?
Do you know anyone who can measure up to those expectations?
Are their expectations realistic?
Are they making the expectations unrealistic to make you leave?
Then ask yourself this:
Do I want to meet these expectations?
Am I able to?
Do these expectations compromise my values?
If so, am I willing to do this to please someone else?
If not, why am I still with them / the company?
Can they guarantee that if I do compromise myself, they will feel you now meet their expectations?
Will it make them care about me or love me more?
Is it correct for someone who says they care about you, or love you, to expect you to compromise yourself to please them?
If you really love someone, would you expect them to compromise themselves for you?
If not, then why would you consider allowing someone else to expect that of you?
All relationships should be reciprocal
Any relationship should be beneficial to both parties. Hopefully, this article has sparked you into thinking whether the relationships in your life are reciprocal or lop-sided.
If you like the person you are, and you conduct yourself well, being good, kind, considerate, and respectful towards others, why should you expect anything less from others? You know you deserve to be treated respectfully so why would you settle for anything less?
Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Merrill Isherwood is a life transformation coach who has spent much of her life being of service to others in the corporate world and her personal life. She has an exemplary work ethic and is driven by living a life of integrity, having honesty, kindness, trust, and respect as her core values. Her psychological counseling degree, supported by her accreditation in life coaching, allows her to ensure her clients are suitably supported in transforming their lives. She specializes in body image, lack of self-esteem, overcoming abusive or toxic relationships, finding life direction, forgiveness, and overcoming adversity. To her, a life well lived means making a difference in each person's life that you are fortunate enough to touch, even if only in the smallest way possible.
