Written by: Mieke Vander Heyden, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It’s striking how many young adults are coming my way to ask for support nowadays. Until a few years ago, I welcomed especially 45+ women who were questioning their lives, eager to focus on their personal development, and needing temporary support during challenging life transitions.
Now, more than ever, younger people are seeking my support as a therapist or coach. What I’m noticing is that these young adults, between 25 and 40 years old, have some things in common.
They experienced a challenging childhood or youth, where one or both parents were not emotionally available to them. Often one of the caregivers was suffering from a mental health condition.
Often, as a minor, they took on a caring role for one or more relatives.
They learned how to behave a certain way to receive attention, for example, they embodied how to be the perfect child, the rebel of the family, or the scapegoat. This now has become contra-productive in one or more areas of their lives and prevents them from thriving, being happy, and finding inner peace.
They are extremely driven to reach their goals, very ambitious, and at the same time, immensely hard on themselves.
They tend to suffer from low self-esteem.
They are more sensitive to stress, overwhelm or burn-out.
They are prone to struggle to get their lives on track as a young adult.
They crave real and authentic connections, which seem to be out of reach.
If you recognize yourself in this generalized profile, don’t despair. A challenging start doesn’t mean that you have lost the whole race! On the contrary, you could be one step ahead!
Understanding our evolving context
Times are changing. We are living in a more demanding world, where we need to be on top of everything. There are so many options and life choices to make that it can be very overwhelming now to be a young adult who is still figuring out who she/she is, what he/she wants in life, and how to get there.
Moreover, if we make a wrong decision or if we fail, it’s our own fault because there are so many resources out there. Social media shows us especially good news shows where everyone is demonstrating their latest accomplishments. Simon Sinek also explains the effect of social media and how it even contributes to a low self-image in his youtube video.
There is extremely high pressure in this actual rat race. I don’t need to explain that this is the perfect context for someone with a challenging past to get triggered in the emotional wounds of before, feeling overwhelmed and incapable to keep up with all those ‘musts-do’, ‘musts-have’, and ‘musts-be’.
Where is the space for realness and vulnerability?
Brené Brown clarified in her research the importance of vulnerability and that showing our vulnerability and authenticity is actually a strength.
This is what these ‘vulnerable’ young adults are craving for the most, and it is perhaps especially them who can give the right example.
These young adults long for meaningful connections in their lives, even though they might not have had the examples in their lives or lack the tools for it yet. They are the ones with this strong inner call and drive to create these harmonic, healthy, and stable relationships around them. It has become their second nature to show up for others with love and care because they know how important this is. This is what they were not provided with, and this is what they want to offer those around them. These are the changemakers of the future!
You are so needed
If you identify yourself as one of those young adults, I would like you to understand something very important.
Just because of the sensitivity that you have developed through challenging experiences, just because of the care you have given to your family for years, just because you were so receptive to the needs of others, you have embodied certain values, such as empathy, patience and unconditionally giving towards others. And these are only a few of the developed qualities that I’m pointing out here.
As I’m convinced that your deepest wounds are your greatest gifts, I also believe that it’s primordial to consciously go through this transformational process. Psychotherapy is only one of the ways to support you on this inner quest. It’s the one that I have experienced and that I offer.
How to make from your deepest wound, your biggest gift?
Underneath the steps that I go through with my clients. They are not only limited to young adults, and they don’t always have this specific order.
Overcome your emotional wounds and limiting beliefs
We need to get real here and acknowledge that early childhood experiences do have an impact in our later lives, for example, we can be more sensitive to burn-out.
At a certain point, we need to take responsibility for our own lives, step out of the victim role and not blame our parents for everything. Doing so is a sign of strength and emotional maturity.
This healing journey is a combination of processing and grieving what has happened in your past and understanding that it’s not your fault. It’s about coming to an acceptance that you can’t change your past and realizing that you are not a victim anymore. As an adult, it’s time to take your power back. You can do this by discovering all the hidden gems under the mud and using all the life lessons and talents that you have developed throughout your life. Slowly making a shift to inner freedom and claiming a happy and successful future ahead of you.
Prioritize yourself
This is probably one of the things that’s exactly limiting you in your life. A healthy relationship with yourself is primordial. This entails sensing and feeling your own boundaries in your life through your body and learning to communicate these boundaries in a connective but firm way. Starting to care for yourself the way you have done for others and love yourself in an unconditional way as you have held your important others into your own heart.
Fight false self-beliefs and false conclusions
As a child or teenager, we often make false conclusions of non-understandable life events, to try to make sense of it. It’s a control mechanism: back then it was easier for us to make ourselves the cause of chaos and suffering, rather than make our caregivers responsible for this. We do this out of loyalty and love for them, but it’s extremely destructive for our self-image and later life.
You should understand that this was your best way of giving to your social system, but that now it’s time to let go of this guilt, shame, or blame. Your caregivers were humans and did the best they could with the tools and knowledge they had back then. Now as an adult, you can see them for who they were as human adults, with good intentions but perhaps not the best actions to respond to your needs nor for your development as a child.
The good news is, now you are not dependent on care or love from them anymore. You are an adult, and you can shape your own life. You can start by improving your self-image. It’s a choice, it’s a focus, it’s a process and it’s possible.
Improve your self-esteem
When you work at self-love through setting boundaries and making choices for yourself, for instance, you are giving your unconscious mind the message that you matter. This improved relationship with yourself will automatically translate into higher self-esteem. Increased self-belief opens the door to realizing what once seemed impossible.
Self-exploration
As in your past, the focus often was on the others in the family who were calling for the most attention or needed the most care, you might wonder who YOU really are, what your strengths and qualities are, and what you want in life. You might not have dared to dream big, as you always believed this was out of your reach.
This part in your empowerment journey is essential to figure out, as these new goals according to who you are now as an adult and what you really desire for your future is your motivation to change. It will push you to step into your power.
Take actionable steps forward
Start wherever you are, break it down in actionable steps, and trust that you will get there. This trust might be a challenge but the more steps you take, the more you will see that your goals are coming closer.
Acquire new tools
Now that you have clarity about your direction in life, you might realize that you need to acquire new tools.
Perhaps you want to learn how to relate in a healthier way to be able to build sustainable relationships around you. Simon Sinek talks about how the recent generations actually lack social skills, which causes loneliness. The good news is that this is something that we can learn, at any age.
Maybe you must learn how to self-regulate if you are sensitive to triggers and stress. Find an article that I wrote about how to master emotional triggers here.
It might be the time for you to completely redirect yourself, start to study, make a career change, move, or open yourself to new possibilities in any area of your life.
Look at it from another perspective
You might feel behind compared to others in the same life phase, but one day you will realize that actually, you were several steps ahead of them. What you have as an advantage over others is determination, resilience, sensitivity, care, and the heart.
Remember, you have survived the difficult part. It can be hard to believe that the fight is over, that from now on there is the safety and space for you to just be, live and enjoy life.
Now it’s time for you to shine!
Are you ready to allow this new reality into your life?
If you feel that you're not: go over the above list and see if you can identify which of the above steps is still a challenge for you. Please connect with me for support in your empowerment process.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info on how I coach people!
Mieke Vander Heyden, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mieke Vander Heyden, a leader in Integrative & Creative Art Therapies. It’s her passion to support people to find inner peace & freedom, the key to happiness and harmony all-around. She has helped loads of people over the globe, to reconnect with themselves, support them through difficult life-crisis’s and make the needed adjustments to get on track again, dancing the waves of life. Mieke is the CEO of Moving Hearts Therapy, offering transformational & inner journeys, through Therapy & Coaching, Workshops & Team building, Creative Healing Retreats & Training. Through her own life experience, she is a go-to for nomads, expats, travelers, or people with an alternative lifestyle.
