Written by Ali Williams, Therapist
Ali Williams is the 'uncomplicated' therapist specialising in healing trauma codes in the brain and body. After losing her mother at the age of 16 to breast cancer, and receiving two cancer diagnoses herself, Ali chose wisdom, not war.
Control Freak. It’s a description and title referred to regularly in our communities. We know them, and we are them. I’m still recovering from being one myself. For corporate working women this can be a common trait. It’s helped them get to where they are. Do you consider yourself a Control Freak, or did you read that and immediately feel defensive? Maybe you slightly grimaced, or maybe you nodded to yourself in ownership.
We are not talking about the mental health condition OCD (Obsessive-compulsive Disorder) or coercive control in relationships. If you are experiencing either of these situations, I urge you to seek professional help. This article is about individuals who feel a strong sense of urgency for circumstances to play out according to their perception of ‘correctness’.
We will discuss the pros and cons of this behavior pattern, and why it could be your MO. Maybe you don’t realize yet that this describes you. There are very valid reasons why this pattern emerges in so many of us. It has likely been a successful coping strategy for you in the past, but it is also necessary to be aware of how this adaptation might be harming you or holding you back.
In my work as a therapist, clients with control-related thoughts have more commonly developed the behavior as a young person. Generally speaking, when young people, reliant on the nurturing and guidance of adults, do not have their needs met, they adapt their thinking for survival. For example, if they have experienced a lack of feeling safe for an extended time, the brain detects danger and will prompt the nervous system to act according to life preservation (like the primitive times of running from lions).
Examples of not feeling safe might be parental abandonment, a traumatic event, or a major illness, among more. If parents are stressed or are experiencing adverse circumstances, they may not have the capacity to support their children in regulating their emotions. Take me for example, my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer when I was 12, a critical time of development in my life. Until Mum died when I was 16, she was not able to spend time listening to or holding me. She couldn’t attend my sporting games, I couldn’t have friends over, and I couldn’t make noise in the house. My childhood was one of limitations, and then she was gone. I was left to figure out life largely on my own. And I did, becoming fiercely independent. No blame here, my parents were beautiful and loving, but they were traumatically consumed.
Other examples may be dysfunctional family relationships, a child never being able to speak for themselves, witnessing a traumatic event, or one example perhaps less considered is the pressure for perfection. High expectations are placed on young people to succeed. They eventually continually strive for the approval of others.
So, how do these examples create Control Freak behaviors? The brain adapts by urging you to take action to feel in control and safe. The more others are unable to support you, the more you may develop the belief that you can only rely on yourself. You’ve no doubt heard, or even said to yourself, ‘If you want something done right you have to do it yourself!’ That was me too, I regularly said it out loud. Then I would feel resentful if others didn’t realize that I wanted help. The truth is, how could they actually read my mind?
Control Freak behaviors may manifest in the following ways:
A sense of urgency
Rushing (you need to read this!)
Anxiety
Excessive time management
Dysfunctional habits around food and/or exercise
Anxious if late, angered if others are late
Need to be right
Judgment of others
Excessive housework
Moodiness
Less tolerant of others
Overcommit themselves
Perfectionism.
These are just a few examples. If you ticked some on the list, you are not a bad person. Being a Control Freak can be helpful. As a corporate working woman, you are juggling a lot. Work pressures, family, friendships, and community commitments, maybe also aging parents. You are trying to be all things to everyone while striving for a successful career climbing the corporate ladder or building your business. Your children are busy. They have sporting commitments and music lessons, and even though they ask, you have little idea how to help with their homework. They want your attention when a friend has said this, or that, to them, and if you’re a single parent, you’re doing double all of that. In the middle of it all, you have an early meeting on Monday morning, and you need to figure out how to get everyone where they need to be on time.
Let’s consider the pros and cons of being a control freak and becoming aware of how it is helping you, or how it might be getting in the way of all you need and want to be and do.
The pros of being a control freak
You are super efficient. You’re an asset to the team and have your family ultra-organised because you move fast. You manage deadlines like a boss, you put a bomb under everyone involved and you get the job done. You also achieve your work, and keep your house in order, to a high standard. No sloppy ‘that’ll do’ completions here, you have high expectations. You rarely make mistakes, and you work hard. You are not afraid to go all in and encourage others to do the same.
You never forget a birthday, you’ve always got a gift, and you thrive on pulling off the social event of the year.
You’re a great problem solver and are considered the go-to person by those around you. Even if you don’t know the solution, you will find out quickly. If you’re leading a project, you deliver on time, on budget, and with a high-quality outcome.
Your children are always wearing a clean uniform, and they rarely forget their equipment for sports practice. They have ample food for lunches and are eating good quality balanced meals at home. Their rooms are tidy – you expect a high standard of cleanliness amongst the smelly odd socks thrown on the floor.
You’re a high achiever, and people always tell you, ‘Don’t know how you do it,’ and, ‘I wish I was as organized as you.’
Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? How can any of these behaviors be considered negative? Let’s explore the flip side to understand how they might be taking their toll.
The cons of being a control freak
You feel anxious. About time running out, about others not doing things the way you want them to, about arriving late, about your weight, about the perfectly ironed trousers, about wrinkles appearing, about little Johnny failing his math test (because it means he’s failing in life), and about not coping.
You are stressed. About the deadline, about the team pulling together, about that one employee who doesn’t contribute, about the numbers, and about the mistakes others might make. You feel you need to carry the team because you’re the only one who knows what needs doing. You also believe it’s because of you that everyone else is succeeding.
As a mother, you might feel a sense of entitlement for your children’s respect. ‘I’ve worked hard to provide for you, the least you can do is be grateful.’
You don’t like feeling vulnerable, you aren’t good at listening (without being a fixer), and if you complete anything you deem less than perfect, you are highly critical of yourself. God forbid should you send an email with a typoh in it (see what I did there?!).
Your need to be ‘on’ all the time is creating a fight or flight response in your nervous system. You are rarely able to relax. You have excessive amounts of cortisol and adrenaline flowing through your body which keeps you in a stress state. Prolonged periods of this situation can have dire effects on your physical and emotional health.
You may feel irritable and moody much of the time. You may wonder what happened to the happiness you once felt in your life that now feels like a distant memory. You might say to yourself, ‘There’s got to be more for me in life than this.’
You might not realize you are lashing out at your partner. Does it really matter if they didn’t fix that thing today you asked them to do?
How do we fix it?
Control Freaks feel a sense of urgency to fix everything. This can be the biggest source of anxiety daily. Create awareness around your urgent response. Ask yourself, ‘Does it really matter right now? Is anything bad going to happen?’ Your brain is detecting a threat as it is instigated into the stress response. You can teach your brain to know when it can remain calm, and when it really does need to create an action prompt.
Start with small habits of change. Don’t answer that non-urgent text message or email straight away. It can wait. If you don’t have time to honor the conversation when the phone rings, let it go to voicemail and call back later.
Sit with your children. Listen to them. They need to be heard. Ask them what was good about their day, and then what was challenging. Regardless of whether you think what they feel is irrational it is true for them in that moment. This is a need for a child forever, it matters not how old they are. The same goes for anyone. Hold space for people who want to express how they feel. Nothing bad will happen, they only want to feel safe to use their voice. You have no business shutting them down or telling them how they feel is wrong.
Get comfortable delegating. You need help, although you don’t like to admit it. If you are leading a team, allow them to develop through contribution. Champion them instead of focusing on their mistakes. Mentor them to grow. Create a sense of trust and encouragement. They will step up.
Most importantly. Give yourself a break. Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Slow down. Spend moments in stillness. Create the time. The busier you are the more you need to prioritise your wellbeing to protect your emotional and physical health. It’s called equilibrium. It matters.
This may help
Download this free resource to learn three ways you can create more time in your life without the guilt. If you wish to dive deeper into understanding these behavior patterns and creating a strategy to reconnect with happiness, contact me. Purchase the bedside-table book The Glorious Responsibility of Happiness for a daily reminder about perspective.
Living a life with reduced Control Freak behaviors means living a life more in flow. Enjoy more creativity. Let go of control to feel more in control. Foster more joy in your relationships with your loved ones. Become the nurturer who helps others feel safe so that they will also create change in their own lives.
Your actions are that powerful.
Ali Williams, Therapist
Ali Williams is the 'uncomplicated' therapist specialising in healing trauma codes in the brain and body. After losing her mother at the age of 16 to breast cancer, and receiving two cancer diagnoses herself, Ali chose wisdom, not war. After studying formally to become a qualified therapist, Ali has developed programs and strategies to help women focus on healing their own lives. Her first published book reflects the theme of taking responsibility for happiness. Ali believes everyone has the opportunity to claim their birth right to be happy regardless of circumstances.
