Abandon Childhood Trauma Patterns of Reaction to Step into Self Confidence
- Dec 8, 2020
- 5 min read
Written by: Gabriella DeLorenze, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever been called sensitive? Or emotional? Too emotional? Yeah, me too. As a kid, I can remember crying all the time. I can also remember family members saying, “Oh, there she goes again” or “Does she always do this?!” Both implying to me that my tears were not wanted nor welcomed. Now, I can tell you, as a kid, these feelings made me think that I was not wanted nor welcomed. I would run away in anguish, embarrassed and ashamed of my sensitive feelings and of myself.
Hello, childhood traumas. What does this look like in a 30-year-old? It looks like a simple disagreement or argument with my fiancé and needing to excuse myself (read: storm off crying) because he invalidated my feelings. Or, getting defensive and defending my emotions to wit's end when that’s not even with the conversation was about at all…mainly, it looks like a not helpful way to cope with anything nor a positive way to treat anyone.
Fun Fact: No one likes their feelings to be invalidated; it hurts us. That’s why many of us subconsciously throw it out to others in fights…it’s hurt us in the past, and we feel like we want to hurt this person in front of us. And eye for an eye, if you will.
A very helpful reminder, especially in moments of disagreements or hurt, remember that the person you’re arguing with loves you. It’s simple. And if you’re in a disagreement with someone who doesn’t love you, think about that. It’s most likely not worth your time nor energy at all!
If you can remember that, at our core, we’re, as Oprah says, Spiritual Beings having a Human Experience. The human experience emanates all of our faults and errors, our sins, and our imperfections. That is who we are. Yes, always want and strive to be better; as our sister Maya Angelou preaches, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” So it is. And so, the cycle goes.
Forgiveness isn’t always easy, nor is it always available to us right away. And, forgiveness is always a release of negative, unwanted energy and a rise in your vibration. Forgiveness holds the power to change you. It will challenge you and it will redefine your definition of love. Forgiving the man who raped me remains the highest level of healing in my life thus far. It isn’t always perfect, sometimes my mind thinks of him and my body clenches or I get tears in my eyes, but overall, a weight in my heart, mind, womb and body has lifted. I feel lighter, releasing the control my resentment of him had over my body and my life. I am able to show up as a different person because of this constant practice of forgiveness. I am only able to support my clients healing from similar situations of assault because of this practice.
Life is filled with a series of lessons that we must learn in order to evolve or to change. Insanity teaches us that you can’t do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. The same is true for life: you can’t do or think the same things over and over again and expect different results*.
*Example Results: promotions, awakenings, the infamous “more,” wealth, knowledge, leadership, growth, expansion, etc.
If you are looking to be more confident, self-assured, and less stressed, a great place to start would be looking at:
Where have you felt confident in the past? (i.e., What felt good/easy/aligned to do?)
What makes you feel unsure or insecure? Look at why you don’t feel confident. Or who taught you that you weren’t good enough?
There is a moment of trust and surrender during each learning cycle. Inviting in forgiveness, remembering we are all flawed humans, seeing the lesson, grieving the loss of a part of you that no longer serves you, attempting to put your new habit into effect, failing, trying again, reminding yourself why this change is important (perhaps it’s mirrored to you from a love one again) AND ONLY THEN (insert a few more failed attempts,) the lesson will be learned.
The key to life and evolution is simply searching for the meaning in everything. Instead of asking yourself, “Why is this happening to me?” a more appropriate question is, “What is this here to teach me?” That way, you’re staying in constant inquiry.
If you’re single, think about your past relationships, there’s probably something in common with each of your past partners (then, look back at your relationship with the men/father figures or mother/woman figures [pending your sexual preference and orientation] in your life – there’s usually a connection.)
If you’re happily in love or happily single think about other relationships, work roles, arguments or complaints that you’re constantly experiencing…The hardest part is identifying the pattern. Once you are conscious of the pattern, actively find the words for it. Acceptance and ownership are the first steps.
The words that healed me and my lesson loops the most were words like: codependency, middle child syndrome, perfectionist, defensive and understanding my imbalances (mainly, my expectations) as an Enneagram 2 (the Helper).
Not the “happiest” of words at first glance but, sometimes our best healing comes from being open to the possibilities that words/things/actions that we used to run from have the power to heal us. We simply need to allow ourselves to love all of the nooks and crannies that comprise us of us. The sins, flaws and cracks. Dimples, scars and cellulite. I love it all! You wouldn’t be YOU without it! Once you can point it out and own it, you can forgive yourself for it and those who taught you. You can then begin to heal it, manipulate it and form it like playdough into whatever serves you now.
Your defensive-ism has protected you for many moons; does it still serve you now? Is it hindering your current relationships? Invalidating those you love’s feelings? Your perfectionism is great for organization at work; does it serve you in your home? Same for all of your other patterns of self-protection: denial/avoidance, silence, numbing out, etc.
Look at yourself. All of you, masks off. Accept yourself so you can accept others and their blemishes. Here is your permission slip: Be sensitive, be defensive, be perfect. Until those traits no longer serve your highest power. And then, when you know better, do better.
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Gabriella DeLorenze, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Gabby is an intuitive embodiment coach for coaches. She is an athletic trainer with a MED in Biomechanics, a life coach and an E-RYT/YACEP. Gabby has over a decade of experience healing 500+ souls and 1000’s of hours teaching the mind-body connection through coaching, anatomy and movement/yoga rehabilitation. Through mindset coaching and facilitating healing your emotional and physical bodies, Gabby will teach you to melt your stress and anxieties so you can start living your healthiest and happiest life. Together, we will find tangible tools to heal old relationships, cultivate self-love and create the space for an abundant life.
