Written by: Kristen Antonio, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I sat down a month ago to write an article on how to transform your Inner Critic, and guess who showed up? My very own Inner Critic. She came in hot with thoughts like, “you’re not a writer; no one is going to read this; maybe you should just give up.” Has this ever happened to you, too? You set out to achieve a goal. You feel motivated, inspired, creative, and then, BOOM!, that negative self-talk creeps in and slows all your action potential to a grinding halt. A few years ago, I probably would have listened to my Inner Critic, given over my power, and given up on finishing this article. Gratefully, I have learned how to work with this critical part in me so that once would have held me back now helps propel me forward into living a full expression of mySelf. And I would like to teach you how you, too, can transform your Inner Critic into a trusted ally that helps you achieve instead of impede on your progress toward building the life you desire.
Why do we even have an inner critic part? Many folks I talk with initially believe the inner critic serves to motivate them. However, when we unpack the actual thought patterns and the emotions those thoughts produce, what we often discover is that berating and criticizing yourself over and over again for what you perceive to be “character flaws” actually decreases motivation, happiness, and creative drive. In fact, more often self-criticism and judgment is a form of self-protection. These judgmental parts in us hold a belief that if we are hard on ourselves, we will achieve some form of perfection, and if we are perfect, then we will be loved/safe/secure/worthy. The problem is when we lead from this space of critical perfectionism, our actions are directed by an underlying fear. Therefore, befriending this Inner Critic, releasing her fears, and creating space for a more compassionate voice to be heard becomes one of the most essential tools to self-growth.
Here are my 5 steps, adapted from the Internal Family Systems modality, I use with my clients (and myself) to form a more positive relationship with the Inner Critic inside of you:
1. Pause and drop into your body.
Take a few deep breaths and let the external world soften, allow your eyes to close and gently scan your body for the place this Inner Critic part likes to hang out. Trust your intuition. There is no “right” way to experience a part in you. Just simply notice any spots of tension, tenderness, or sensation that might be present as you become curious about your Inner Critic. It might feel uncomfortable. The Inner Critic usually brings up feelings of anxiety, insignificance, embarrassment, and shame. Stay with the discomfort. Where do you sense this discomfort in or around your body?
2. Focus deeply and intentionally on this Inner Critic part in or around your body.
How do you experience it? Can you see it, hear it, or sense it in some way? How does it feel in your body? Does it look like something or someone? Does it have a color or texture or shape? Is it close to you or far away? Just begin to open up your curiosity to this part who has been trying to keep you safe.
3. Once you have established a compassionate connection with your inner critic, you can begin to form an alliance with her by simply getting to know her more.
Remember, we don’t want to get rid of her entirely; she’s inside you for a reason and likely has played an important role in your success thus far! However, like many coping strategies, there is usually an expiration date where our emotions begin to let us know that this way of thinking/being/doing no longer serves us. It is time for growth and expansion. Simply extend the invitation to your Inner Critic to begin to relax her need for perfection and make room for other parts to have a balanced role in bringing you peace, joy, and motivation from a more compassionate, heart-centered place. Some guiding questions you may wish to ask your Inner Critic during this stage of the practice are:
Does she want to go by a different name or does she own her title as Inner Critic?
How did she get this job as an Inner Critic? Did she learn it from someone else? Has she been doing it for a while?
Is the strategy of criticism fully effective in her goals to protect you? If she wasn’t doing this job of judging and criticizing your every thought, desire, and decision, what would she rather be doing?
How old is this part? How old does this part believe you are?
What else does she want you to know about her or her role in your life?
4. Once trust has been established between yourself and this inner critic part, you can ask her to share her deepest desires, needs, and fears.
What would she believe would happen to you if she stopped doing her job?
What does your Inner Critic need from you (your beautiful, wise Self Energy) to release and transform this fear into strength? There’s no right answer here. That’s the beauty of the space you create between Self and this part. Your inner critic will finally be able to access her fear so that you can confidently nurture her in exactly the ways that are needed for her to release the fear. The inner critic will feel so safe, secure, and held by your Self Energy that she will get to experience the precise type of reconnection that is exactly the antidote to the fear that keeps you from expanding to your highest esteemed Self.
This practice is exactly that: a practice. Your ability to notice and attune to your Inner Critic whenever she pops up will grow over time. As your relationship develops, so too will any fears that your Inner Critic is holding onto. Writing, painting, dancing, or any other form of creative expression are also wonderful tools to guide you into relation with this part inside of you. Trust the wisdom of your intuition.
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Kristen Antonio, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Kristen brings her rebel spirit to the mental health industry to challenge the status quo and expand our ways of healing, connecting, and being. As a dually licensed therapist, soul coach, entrepreneur and mother with bipolar disorder, Kristen’s lived experiences have taught her that healing begins when the scared, lonely parts in us can connect with the wisdom and nurturance of the soul’s Self Energy.
