Written by: Liz Merrill, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You are not alone if the past few years have put a burden on your family life. Tensions at home caused by forced proximity, along with financial stress and increasing fears as a result of COVID and now the war in Ukraine, have resulted in some shocking statistics. However, there are conflict resolution tactics that you may employ today at home or work that work. As a divorce mediator and coach, I've witnessed how the following 5 simple steps can help anyone lessen tensions and decrease conflict right away.
While many families found unexpected connections and joy resulting from the forced isolation of the pandemic, some relationships struggled or completely broke down. We all know that stress, loss of money, and isolation can also heighten the likelihood of domestic violence.
But even in reasonably good marriages where physical or emotional abuse has never been an issue, tensions can rise and push people to the breaking point in unprecedented situations like the ones we have found ourselves in recently. Conflict over COVID rules, vaccination requirements, schooling choices, and even the existence of the virus have pushed relationships to their breaking point. Many coaches, attorneys, and psychologists report seeing a rise in the number of clients.
Here are some conflict resolution tactics you may use right now to relieve stress between you and your loved ones. Consider adopting these simple techniques to de-stress and improve communication with the people who matter most to you.
5 Conflict Resolution Techniques
1. Mirroring: Try repeating the last three words of what someone has just said in a calm, comforting voice. "Please help me understand," should be the goal. This can build trust and show that you care about the other person.
2. Breath: Take a deep breath and slow down. You are not obligated to resolve a problem right now. You don't have to change the other person's thinking to come up with a reasonable solution for you both. Employing simple somatic techniques like taking a couple of deep breaths can be used instantaneously to help regulate your emotional state and prevent the conversation from turning into a screaming match.
3. BIFF and TED: If you find yourself in long, rambling arguments that spin out of control, take a cue from Bill Eddy and his famous “BIFF method”. BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm. Keeping your statements concise and cordial, without contextualizing or explaining or defending, can go a long way toward eliminating confusion and decreasing conflict. TED is your other conflict-resolving friend. TED stands for telling or talking about, explaining, and describing. Using these open-ended questions can help the other party feel relaxed and heard all-important to reduce the stress of conflict. You don’t have to agree with what the other party is saying, but helping them feel heard can be extremely valuable.
4. Yes...And: Shirzad Charmine suggests that we start with the assumption that the person we’re arguing or negotiating with is right at least 10% of the time. Even if someone says something that sounds, at least on the surface, completely preposterous, we can build on some piece of what they are saying by acknowledging that piece. You can reframe and validate what they are saying with this framework: “What I like about that idea is X what if we also (build on it, consider X, etc”.
5. Reflective listening: When someone says something you don't understand, say something like "it sounds like", "it feels like", or "it looks like" (Chris Voss calls this "tactical empathy"). Listening intently and allowing the other person to feel heard might help to alleviate emotional distress.
There are so many unknowns in our future right now. It's entirely likely that many of us will spend the rest of our lives grappling with the effects of the pandemic on our relationships, society, and psyche. As the courts are beginning to reopen, they are experiencing a flood of new cases. People who have been putting off discussions of divorce have started thinking about the process and what it means for their families; coaches, attorneys, therapists, and social workers are all finding their workload increasing.
If you're thinking about divorce or if the conflict in your home has just become unmanageable, it's a good idea to look into alternate conflict resolution methods or talk to a divorce professional like a coach. Most courts will give matters that have already been tried in mediation precedence over those that have not. Plus it’s cheaper to talk to a mediator or divorce coach than to take your escalating conflict to attorneys. If you are interested in learning more about how to reduce conflict and improve the productivity of your conversations, reach out to Liz at Open Space Mediation.
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Liz Merrill, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Liz Merrill is a Mediator and a Divorce Coach with a specialization in High Conflict and Narcissistic relationships. She lectures regularly on high conflict divorce strategies and is a sought-after speaker and podcast guest. She also engages in regular pro bono work for families who are experiencing financial hardship and offers pro bono services through various nonprofits and the Colorado Court system. Her understanding of psychological and physiological reactions to trauma, conflict, and anxiety brings a holistic approach to her work with families caught in the High Conflict cycle. After her own litigious high-conflict divorce, she saw the need for a holistic approach to divorce mediation, which included non-violent communication skills, managing trauma, and an understanding of how personality traits and personality disorders create high conflict in a divorce. When she started working as a mediator for the courts, she discovered how badly equipped most divorce professionals are to manage the specific needs of people in high conflict relationships and how damaging it can be to the individuals and, most importantly, the children and family systems. Now she helps hundreds of people in crisis find workable solutions so they can reduce anxiety, save money, and move on with their lives.
