She experienced severe burnout and throughout her healing journey, many men in her life confided that they don’t have the same encouragement from their communities to make time for themselves as women do.
Most people want to be treated well in their relationships, so when a woman says she wants a nice guy, what she really means is she wants to be with a good human being. Somehow, in this shitshow we call dating, jerks have started claiming the title of “nice guy” but acting in ways that are most definitely not nice, and dare I say, even a bit unhinged.
These entitled jerks are ruining dating for everyone!
I adore a good man. Someone who is kind without expecting anything in return. There are so many wonderful men in the world, and it is my mission to help these men embrace self-care in order to find their purpose, heal their minds and bodies, and strengthen their relationships.
But how are these actual nice guys supposed to get noticed when there are sharks in the dating pool?
The answer is simple: men need to start calling out other men for their crappy behavior. This is the only way to change the dating landscape and improve your odds of finding a woman who loves you for who you are. This practice will immensely benefit the experience of dating for both you and the women out there in the dating world. You’ll start to feel more confident because you are standing up for what you believe in. You will diminish the strength of these jackasses and contribute to a more secure and enjoyable world for women.
So who is faking being a nice guy?
Men who pose as nice guys are just wolves dressed up in nice guy clothing. These are the guys who use a twisted sense of morality to get what they want, not because they are good people. Kindness and generosity should not be transactional. The fake “nice guys” use concepts like chivalry to justify their bad behavior. Good people don’t say, “Well, I picked her up from the airport, so I deserve a blowjob,” or “She smiled at me, so I deserve a date.”.
Being kind and courteous to all people should just be your baseline.
For your enjoyment, here are a bunch of cringy “nice guy” examples courtesy of Buzzfeed.
(There are SO many of these articles, but I just chose four.)
But it’s much more insidious than that
Some of these fake nice guys use this technique of overwhelming courteousness so much that it actually strips women of their autonomy. They try to be so nice and accommodating that it basically immobilizes women and really pisses them off.
I have a personal example of this, which I still shake my head at. When I moved to New York City, I hired two guys to help me unload my U-Haul container and storage unit. The first guy, Mike, was awesome; he and I worked great together. Mike arrived earlier, so we could empty the storage unit while John drove the container from Staten Island. Mike was content to sit back and take my lead in organizing and moving my stuff. We both hauled boxes up stairs, down the street, and into the new apartment. The whole experience was chill, and we had a good time working together. We even got lunch together and had the first meal in my apartment on the floor amongst the boxes.
Eventually, John showed up. He and I were going to unload the boxes from the U-haul container, and Mike would bring them into the apartment. Every time I picked up a box, John would tell me to put it down. He’d say, “That’s too heavy," or “You shouldn’t be lifting that.” Who did he think had loaded the container in the first place? It was infuriating. This was my stuff that I packed and will be moving all around the apartment, and he’s trying to control what I am doing because he thinks he’s helping by saving me from doing work.
After a while, it started getting cold, so I made a comment on the weather. He gallantly, with overdramatized flair, took off his jacket and handed it to me, and I politely turned him down. I wasn't freezing, and I did not want to be engulfed in some strange man’s heat or smell, but he would not drop it. He just kept bugging me to take his jacket, and once he realized I wasn’t going to take it, he put it back on.
Finally, we were done.
Later that evening, I got a text from John telling me how great it was working together and that he’d like it if we could keep in touch and have a texting relationship. I didn’t respond. I had paid him for his services, and our interaction was done. I had no interest in pursuing anything further. Then he proceeded to send me angry texts over the next few days about how terrible I was for not responding and that he only wanted to be friends. Hurling insults at me does not make me want to be your friend.
All women are forced to deal with this kind of behavior pretty regularly. If we are too nice to men, then they might feel entitled to more. If we set boundaries, we are labeled “bitches” and can get inundated with insulting texts. I was just a person paying someone else for a service, nothing more. The real nice guy in this scenario is Mike. He was helpful, efficient, and did a great job. I have since hired him again to help me, and we continue to have a good working relationship.
John, the fake nice guy who tried to be overly helpful to the point of being controlling, ended up getting blocked.
How do good humans and truly nice guys behave?
Before we dive in, let’s take a moment to appreciate the truly wonderful men in the world. The men who treat all people with respect, regardless of what they get in return. Men who do the right thing just because it’s the right thing to do. And the men who are nice to women without any agenda. We love you!
Obviously, this is going to vary a little from woman to woman, but, in general, here is a small list of what most women think of when they say they want a nice guy.
Treat everyone with respect, not just her.
Be helpful without expecting anything in return.
Give her space to be her own person, with her own likes and dislikes.
Respect her boundaries.
Acknowledge that she has a full and satisfying life without you, and that you are just one wonderful part of her life.
Don’t put unrealistic expectations on her.
Don’t get defensive, angry, or yell when she tells you what is best for her.
You can trust that she knows herself and is doing what is best.
Have confidence and faith in your relationship.
I could go on and on with these examples, but I think you get the point. Wouldn’t you also like to have a partner who treats you this way?
If you are truly a nice guy, you don’t have to actually say it. Show up as a good human, and women will take notice. Be your wonderful true self, and women will take notice. I am blessed to know so many wonderful men, and they continue to inspire me to do this work.
If you’re interested in working with me and joining an inspiring group of like-minded men, check out The Positive Masculinity Program.
Lark Ericson, Relationship Coach
Lark Ericson’s mission is for men to have healthier relationships with themselves and others. She experienced severe burnout and throughout her healing journey, many men in her life confided that they don’t have the same encouragement from their communities to make time for themselves as women do. Lark is a certified health and life coach, a certified hypnotherapist, and a registered nurse. Drawing from her own experiences in restoring her mental and physical health, she has established a program that provides men the perspective and tools to create the lives they want.
