Deep Listening – Creating Space For Deeper Connections
- Mar 8, 2024
- 4 min read
Written by: Iulia Racovita, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“I have a little problem,” said the bear. “You see, I…”. “Of course, I know exactly what you need,” said the inventor and gave him a pair of wings.
The tailor gave him a scarf, the doctor some vitamins, and the shoemaker boots.
In this lovely children’s book, I have a little problem, said the bear, by Heinz Janisch, the bear has a problem and everyone offers the perfect solution. The only trouble is, that nobody really takes the time to listen and to find out what the bear’s problem actually is…
The quality of our listening impacts our ability to connect, which in turn impacts the quality of our relationships and hence the difference we make in the world as parents, spouses, friends and so on.
And yet, how often do we pretend to listen?
Distractors
Let’s explore common obstacles that divert our attention from effective listening.
Mental clutter. We‘re sometimes so tired, stressed and lost in thought, that we simply don‘t have any mental space left to be present in conversation.
Emotions. We take it personally. Something triggers us and the emotions cloud our capacity to focus on what is being communicated. The message gets distorted and we may even become defensive.
Impatience. We’re craving to interrupt. We have the response in our minds before the other even finishes the sentence.
Assumptions. Instead of asking, we assume, missing the nuances of the speaker’s intentions.
Biases. We assign meaning to what is being communicated, based on our own map of reality, our own story and long-held beliefs. With that, come subjectivity and judgment.
The ego. As the saying goes: “The world is divided into people who think they are right.”
Levels of listening
When was the last time you had a slow, unhurried conversation?
Before practicing NLP and coaching, I did not get the full nuances of how the quality of our listening may differ and the impact it may have on another person. Here is one way to represent the levels of listening, as I grasp them now:
Listening to respond involves prematurely voicing our opinions, jumping to conclusions, and seeking to prove ourselves right.
Listening to understand embodies genuine curiosity about the speaker’s intentions, asking open questions, seeking clarification, and confirming comprehension before responding.
Listening to let the other feel heard requires transcending the ego, and being fully present for the other person.
Listening to let the other hear themselves goes a step further, acting as a reflective mirror. This profound form of listening allows individuals to hear their own narratives and discover solutions within themselves.
Resources
Building on the discussed levels of listening, let’s explore resources that act as powerful tools to elevate our listening skills.
Genuine curiosity. Ask as if you wouldn’t know. Because you don’t. You have your own map of reality and you hear what fits your own story. Better ask, than assume.
Full awareness. One thing is to listen with our ears and another is to listen with full awareness. The latter involves not only our full presence, engaging all of our senses, but also our empathy, skill and intuition. On the receiving end of a conversation, we need to pay attention to both the verbal and non-verbal. Many times we may notice incongruences.
Positive intention. Seek to identify the other person’s positive intention. Listen beyond the story, beyond the words, to what the person is actually intending to communicate. If appropriate, you can also ask them what is that they really mean, want or need at the moment.
Mirroring. Sometimes, reflecting back what someone said, in an attempt to grasp what they mean, can change the way they hear it; it may become unnecessary to argue or explain, they simply get it.
Silence. Uncomfortable, awkward and yet, highly effective. Silence as a strategy does not only allow the other person to finish their train of thought without being interrupted, but it also creates the space for reflection and learning, within the conversation.
The process of hearing happens naturally when a sound impinges on the eardrum. Listening, however, is intentional. It is possible to cultivate deep listening and with that to create the space for deeper connections.
Complement the above with my free resource: Positive intention in practice: One-page guide for parents.
Visit my website for more info!
Iulia Racovita, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
An advocate for lifelong learning, Iulia Racovita chose to harness her strategies as a highly effective academic learner and apply them to other areas of life. What began as a learning experiment in her mid-thirties has evolved into an inspiring journey. Today, as a passionate certified life coach, she empowers mid-career professionals to navigate challenges with clarity and ease. In serving her clients, Iulia leverages her professional background as an internal audit manager and an internationally certified chartered accountant with over 15 years of local and international experience in the financial sector. Discover how she can help you achieve your goals! Visit her website – https://iuliaracovita.ck.page/home
