Written by: Adriana Leigh, Senior Level Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Across polarized social media these days, we see folks in heated debates on all sides of the political spectrum, particularly in areas of diversity, equity, and inclusion. Sometimes, we see folks using terms like “that is not respectful” to minimize or silence someone who may be challenging their point of view.
Respect can be the road to building transformative conversations across difference, and build diversity, equity and inclusion, but only when we learn how to use the concept for good, not to flip the script on those naming harm. As tempting as it may be to dismiss someone by saying they are being “impolite” or disrespectful, I urge us to take a step back and remember that “respect” is not a weapon we should use to silence others.
Today I debunk common myths about what respect is, and is not, so that we use it for transformative change, and build safer, more inclusive workplaces, rather than maintaining the status quo.
1. Respect is not a weapon
We have seen the words “that is not respectful” used silence people who share their truth, many of us in our own communities. For example, women who name their sexual assaulter. Respect for many folks can mean honouring a person with the truth, particularly if that person has caused harm.
Our backgrounds, positions of power, different identities also impact what tools we have at our disposal, and, how our communication is judged as “respectful” or not. The word “respectful” may be triggering for some, considering the history of respectability politics, when a minority and/or marginalized groups are told (or teach themselves) that in order to receive better treatment from the group in power, they must behave better. This strategy makes it easy for the person being confronted to chastise the way something is delivered rather than what is being communicated and has been used to flip the responsibility away from a perpetrator to the victim. I am learning that this is a concept rooted in the black American experience, see more on this in the book Righteous Discontent: The Women’s Movement in the Black Baptist Church, 1880-1920.
Jennifer Freyd also helps us understand this propensity to flip the script with the concept of DARVO, which stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." It refers to a reaction of a perpetrator to naming wrongdoing, who may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. (Read more here: Center for Institutional Courage).
When engaging in discussions of respect in the workplace, I always remind folks that there are power dynamics at play, and that respect is not to be used to dismiss someone when they name or report harm they have experienced in the workplace.
2. Respect is not one size fits all
I will start by saying that it is crucial in your workplace to have ground rules for what is not tolerable conduct, for example, discrimination, harassment, or bullying or insulting other people. Yes, and let’s remember that it can be a sign of the utmost respect to name something that is not ok, to repair/make the environment better.
The way we speak respectfully, build respectful relations, or to let someone know they did something you found disrespectful, or harmful is not one-size fits all.
I recently had the pleasure of attending a workshop on Calling with Professor Loretta J Ross, a pioneer of grappling with how to "call in", one tool to build respectful communication.
After the workshop, I have been thinking about how respectful communication works on a continuum. There are many tools we can draw on depending on the outcome we want and the context. For example, “calling in” or “calling on” are interesting alternatives to calling people out.
Calling out means public demands for others to change their behaviors. Calling-in entails having a private, personal conversation with an individual to address the behaviour. Professor Ross believes that calling in is like calling out but done privately and with respect. “It’s a call out done with love. Calling in is to invite people into a conversation rather than a fight.”
Calling in can be labour intensive. A less taxing alternative can be “calling on.” This comes from Sonya Renee Taylor, who notes that those who are the source of suffering, in any given interaction, should bear responsibility for managing their change and transformation. Calling on is a method for naming harm but not directly engaging in a discussion, which might be re-traumatizing or unhealthy. “Calling on” centers the person’s behavior that needs to change and assigns responsibility to the person who needs to do the work.
For some folks, like me, “calling out” was often not a safe option. For other folks, calling out was, or still is the only available option, especially if you are from a community that has been silenced. In some situations, calling out may be the wise choice to inspire change, for example, in situations with major power imbalances or to raise silenced voices or issues. Each response can be effective, but not each approach will work for everyone in every situation.
3. Respect at work is about self-awareness and reflection, emotional intelligence, trust-building and open communication
In my workshop Building a Culture of Respect, I work with a model for how to build respectful communication which includes self-reflection, recognizing the situation and context you are in including power dynamics (e.g., is this person your boss, for example, or are you the boss with power/responsibility) and regulating and grounding yourself, so you can respond, rather than react.
This is why I have developed a new model to support employees and leaders to respond, rather than react to problematic behaviour at work. Traditional “checking boxes” or “compliance-based” approaches have not worked, and other trainings focus on what folks should NOT do or interrupting behaviour. While this is important, there is a gap on how to help folks learn to reflect on the context and their own position before choosing the best response to behaviour at work.
ALG’s four 4 Rs respectful communication model draws on my background as a workplace human rights lawyer, survivor of complex trauma and gender-based violence, and as a facilitator. It takes off where more traditional approaches end. Folks learn and apply new communication skills, how to both call out but also call-in behaviour, and learn to respond supportively and in a trauma-informed way. Reach out now for fall workshop bookings, or if I can support your team otherwise.
Until we meet, take care of yourselves and each other.
Adriana Leigh, Senior Level Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Adriana Leigh is a Canadian self-described "recovering lawyer" turned global gender consultant, facilitator, trainer, writer, and speaker, she builds safer, gender-equitable, caring, and inclusive workplaces and organizations, free of sexual harassment and gender-based violence.
She brings a much-needed human and heart-centered, rather than a merely compliance-centered approach to these issues, combined with her legal and subject matter expertise and background in human rights education.
Adriana delivers global workshops, on sexual harassment, and violence policy and reporting processes development, implementation coaching to managers and human resources, and thought leadership. She works cross-sector with UN agencies building the capacity of partner organizations, and international human rights organizations, in addition to private sector clients and universities.
Her work has been showcased by Charity Village, Medium, UN Women, Sexual Violence Research Initiative, Mtavari Channel, Brainz Magazine, and World Pulse, among others.
Adriana has been featured by World Pulse in the article: “Her Story Makes History: 21 Women Leaders to Watch in 2021” and in 2022, was included on the list of Brainz Magazine’s “7 Female Entrepreneurs and How they are Changing the World.” She is also the recipient of a BRAINZ CREA Global Award 2022, honouring individuals who are paving the way in sustainability and mental health, and of a Digital Changemaker Award as one of the World Pulse 50 Rising Voices, recognizing 50 leaders who are shaping our future.
