Written by: Kelly Hater, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
What is “Mom Guilt?”
Mom guilt is the nagging feeling that we as moms are not fulfilling the expectations of motherhood projected upon us by modern society. Mom guilt, like other types of guilt, is an emotional feeling that requires self-reflection about something we did, or think we did, that was wrong or harmful. Feeling guilty when we did something wrong or hurt someone is normal. Oftentimes though, moms feel guilt that is out of proportion to our actual situation, and it can linger, causing harm to our parenting foundation, our mindset and overall feeling of value and self-worth. This false, excessive guilt is invasive and whether we know it, guilt is making decisions in our life that sabotage our ability to achieve self-actualization as a mother.
“Modern women are burdened with more expectations than any generation has ever had, brought on by the greatest breakthrough of opportunities any generation has ever experienced. Guilt is not going away. It’s getting stronger than ever before.” – Valerie Burton
“Let Go of the Guilt Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joy:”
Mom guilt rears its ugly face when we:
Compare ourselves to other moms, parents and caregivers
Ruminate over our decisions (past, present, future)
Say yes when we should say no
Lack of self-confidence
Let people encroach our boundaries
Get guilt tripped into doing things we don’t want to do
Engage in toxic relationships that cause stress, resentment, and recurrent disappointment
Our well-being is out of proportion
Feel like we could have done more or have not done enough all the time
Do not celebrate our success to accommodate other people's feelings
Do not voice our personal values and beliefs even when we want to
What Does Mom Guilt Look Like and Why Does it Happen?
Mom guilt can come in many forms, as many forms as there are ways to parent our children. However, a common form of mom guilt does not look like anything...it is an internal feeling of failure. We have all been there. Scrolling through our social media platform of choice and noticing that it seems as though all our friends are leading their best lives and doing everything way better than we are. If we are even doing anything at all. The mom guilt sets in quickly and it cuts deep. We look up from our phone and see our children sitting in front of the tv, because it is raining outside and there is no end in sight. We look back at our phone and see that the post that got to us is not even current, it is from the past, and someone just threw it up there. Most likely because they and their children are doing the same exact thing we are doing. But it does not matter. The mom guilt is already there and it does not shake that easily. Now we will carry this guilt around with us for the rest of the day and it will influence the rest of our parenting decisions.
Am I a bad mom? Lazy? Are my kids going to grow up disadvantaged? Am I a good enough role model?
When we ask ourselves these questions, where does the mind go? Mom guilt or non-guilt?
Non-Guilty Mindset:
The questions are merely a mental check-in to make sure we and our kids are on the path we have set out on and that we are completing the tasks we want to get done to live a fulfilling life.
Guilty Mindset:
These questions seem to mean more. They would make us feel as if we are “failing” as a mom. Bring tears to our eyes.
Why?
Are our children really going to suffer life-long consequences from watching a movie? Most likely not...but our mind begins to race. We start to panic that we are not living up to the “mom life” expectations we have ingrained in our minds. At this moment we must go deep within, not wide. As we need to regroup our well-being and lifestyle.
What are the effects of mom guilt?
Moms can spend an enormous amount of emotional energy feeling guilty. It sends us into a downward spiral of negativity and unhappiness. Living in a negative state of mind about ourselves, eating away at mental and physical well-being.
Career Sacrifices
Moms who work outside the home often feel guilt, some refer to as “working mom guilt” because it is experienced by a group of women who go to work by choice or by necessity; therefore, spend less time at home raising their children. Working moms feel guilty because they feel like the amount of time, they spend with their children is equivalent to the amount of love they feel towards the child.
My dear friend told me, “I’ll never forget the feelings of guilt at daycare drop off every morning. I used to make my husband go completely out of his way to drop off our kids at their daycare just so I would not cry that day. I felt like leaving my kids in the care of another adult somehow meant that I was incapable of caring for them myself and that they were in some way being harmed by me and my disconcert for their health and well-being. Looking back on it my thoughts were totally irrational, but they never ever went away until eventually I quit my job.”
Working moms can also feel guilt from preferring to be at work and not at home with their child. In this case the inner voice berates and nags at us all throughout the workday by saying “What kind of mom does not want to be with their kids every day? An unloving, uncaring mom. You obviously don’t care about your kids because you enjoy working and the intellectual stimulation.”
Stay-at-home-mom Guilt
Stay-at-home-moms feel guilty as well. As most stay-at-home-moms are not making an income; therefore, relying on their spouse financially can cause guilt, shame, or even embarrassment. As our responsibilities are in the home we are focusing on cleaning, organizing, meals, etc. The homestead duties are never ending. Even as we are home with our children, we still spend little undivided time with them. A common whirlwind of mom guilt.
Anxiety and Depression
Whenever the feelings of mom guilt are excessive and begin to interfere with the mom’s life and relationships it could be a symptom of other more serious mental health conditions such as anxiety disorders, postpartum depression, and compromised immune systems. If mom guilt is excessive, it is suggested to seek professional help from a medical healthcare provider for a diagnosis.
Solution to the Gap
When a mom is stable with a mental health condition and/or cleared from any conditions. Now what? Because we are still struggling with the complexities of motherhood. This is where The Mom Coach™ “on demand” comes into play. As a survivor of postpartum depression, losing my dad to suicide, a wellness coach and personal trainer for over 15 years. There was a gap before this program was created that needed to educate and challenge moms to build confidence in the complexities of motherhood from season to season.
Way too many of us put band-aids on issues that need to be addressed on a deeper level. We need to stop trying to fill the void and get to the bottom where the actual issue sits. When we feel that issue screaming at us. We need to stop turning our backs. When we feel that grumbling inside, stand up and look straight at it with open eyes, open arms, and an open heart.
How To “Deal” With Mom Guilt
First off, stop “dealing” with the guilt and go deep. We need to go deep with our awareness:
Overcoming mom guilt is possible with shifting to a positive mindset.
Positive self-talk turning “can’t” into “can” and the “should” into “must”
Clarify life purpose reflecting on values, talents, passion, and skills
Learn and apply how wellness affects everything in our lives
Review the circle of control, circle of influence, and circle of concern
Set forth into the growth zone
Assert our dream into a stretch goal
Use several SMART goals to support the vision
You can be everything you are!
Thriving Mom
Even though our mom's guilt seems to only affect us, it permeates every decision we make. Mom guilt can be a useful tool to inspire us to try new things and flex our mom muscles to get things done. When mom guilt becomes excessive and suffocating though, we need to seek help from others around us who will cheer us on in motherhood. Join the proven course subscription filled with support, education, journal worksheets, and challenges designed exclusively for moms everywhere.
Children do not need a perfect mom, they need their confident, patient, and loving mom.
It is important to not let mom guilt determine our worth as mothers. Mom guilt is just a feeling and feelings, although intense at times, are temporary. Moms have the ability to manage feelings in a positive way that builds emotional resilience. Realizing that we cannot be everything to everyone all the time will release us from our fears and catapult up into self-growth. Despite our shortcomings, we will be a hero in our children’s eyes as they blossom into adulthood. If we know our own limits and can enforce our limits, we will have the opportunity to embrace happiness that unfolds because of letting go of our mom guilt.
Kelly Hater, Executive Contributor, Brainz Magazine Kelly Hater, the owner of Mama Bear Domain, has over 15 years of coaching experience and a B.S. in Health Promotion specialized in Exercise Science. She specializes in helping clients overcome mom burnout, providing a clear, decisive plan that leads her clients on a path of success. Her clients no longer let mom guilt steal their identity and goals. Moms deserve to be happy and live a fulfilling life. She personally has overcome overwhelming struggles herself. Get the accountability needed to take action. As a mom of two, she gets it.
