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How To Get An Orgasm? It’s Not What You Think

Written by: Anka Grzywacz, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.



  • Research shows there is a big orgasm gap between women and men.

  • Only 18.4% of women can climax from intercourse alone.

  • There are no “more mature” and “immature” orgasms.

  • To discover your orgasmic potential, you need to focus on yourself.

  • Sex toys can help you learn about your body.

How to get an orgasm? Many women are looking for answers in all the wrong places. Learn the truth about female pleasure, and expand your own orgasmic potential.

If we followed media advice and porn, a recipe for female orgasm would be simple: penis in the vagina for male-female sex. Oh, if only it was that easy! Why, then, is it hard for so many women to come? And what to do about it?

How many women have orgasms?

Have you ever heard of an orgasm gap? According to research women come less frequently and less consistently than men. Especially heterosexual women are in the losing position. Only 65 % admit to regular climaxing, compared to 95 % of straight men. Talk about gender inequality!

But to analyze female orgasm statistics let’s make one distinction: how many women come from stimulation of the clitoris, how many through intercourse alone, and how many through a mix of both.

A big study from OMG YES has the answers:

  • Only 18.4 % of women orgasm from penetrative intercourse alone!

  • 36.6 % need clitoral stimulation to come.

  • For 36 % adding clitoral pleasure to sexual activity makes orgasms better.

There you have it. Next time you think you’re defective or frigid because you can’t climax from intercourse, remember those data.

The great female orgasm myth

If you start asking yourself how to get an orgasm, double-check if you’re not already having them. Many women (and men) treat manual or oral pleasure as something of lower quality. And they think only those O’s that happen in your vagina are for real. That’s not true!

There are no better or worse orgasms. The only thing that changes is the location of stimulation. But why do we have this judgmental approach to pleasure anyway?

  • We can partly blame poor science. For centuries people thought the vaginal canal was the equivalent of the penis. This is not accurate it’s the clitoris and the penis that are similar on the biological level. Even now many medical textbooks and publications ignore or misrepresent the complexity of clitoral anatomy.

  • Freud’s theory. The second biggest cause of this horrible misunderstanding is the theory of Sigmund Freud. This psychoanalyst claimed that pleasure coming from the clit was immature and women should strive to climax from penetration alone. OK, the man was a product of his time, but I’m always shocked to realize that his outdated ideas hold to this day.

Photo by Dmitriy Ganin for Pexels

How to get an orgasm? Tips for women

It’s all great in theory, you might think, but is there a way to learn how to come? Or have it better, deeper? First of all, I don’t like to judge pleasure and say this was better than the other. Orgasms are great and we should be having more of them, in whatever form.

Let’s focus on orgasmic potential instead. Every human being has it. Even if you’re ill or have a disability, your brain is your primary sex organ, and you can train yourself to experience ecstasy.

But how do get started? Here are some ideas for you:

Forget about your lover

Looking for more sensation while making love to another person? This advice might sound counterintuitive but here it is: be selfish. Focus on yourself and your needs. Nobody will give you an orgasm. You need to get it for yourself!

In partner sex, it usually means communicating with your lover, so they do the things you like, to help you come. But your partner is not the giver of pleasure. You are the owner of your body.

Channel your inner Elsa

Whether you’re looking for that first O or trying to explore endless pleasure possibilities your body and mind have in store, come sing with me:

“Let it go, let it go!”

If you’re not familiar with that song, play it now or better, watch the whole movie “Frozen”. Yes, it’s a kid’s film but that song, let it become your anthem.

To let in more of that tingling energy, of that amazing, warm, ecstatic feeling, you need to breathe and let go of the things that are steering your attention away from sensations:

  • Your nagging thoughts. “Will he notice my cellulite?”, “It’s taking too long, I’m sure she’s bored”.

  • Tension in your body. Those thoughts, that critical voice in your head? They make you feel tense and as a result, your body is not as receptive to pleasure.

  • Pain and discomfort. Don’t let anyone tell you that sex must hurt! Do everything in your power to reduce discomfort and avoid pain. Go to physio, buy a lubricant, and for Goddess’ sake speak up! Don’t bite your teeth and wait for it to end. This will never get you where you want to be in orgasmic bliss.

Call for help(ers)

I’m amazed at how many women don’t own a single-sex toy. And I’m happy to report that after working with me, 90% of women get one, or expand their collection. Sexy gadgets are your friend on your journey to a more orgasmic life. Try them at least once before you decide they are not for you.

Pleasuring yourself is a way to learn more about your body. And if you’ve never had an orgasm, using a clitoral stimulator is the fastest way to get there.

If you’re looking to expand your sexual range, there are toys for everything. Some are designed to target your G-Zone note I’m not using the term G-spot because it’s more than that, others can be used for anal, and everything in between. So, get started with your birthday gift wish list today!

Get excited about everything

The secret to having more pleasure in bed is not in the latest product or special technique. It’s about allowing the joy and ecstasy we know from the orgasm experience to make its way into our daily life.

Everything can bring you to a climax if you’re open enough.

My former client recently told me she still remembers my social media post. A while ago I shared how moved I had been upon seeing one of the last glaciers in Switzerland. Yes, this was an orgasmic experience to me. Up there, at almost 3500 meters above sea level, in piercing cold wind, and fully clothed.

By breathing into your pleasure or intense feelings, by allowing them to flow through you, you create a truly orgasmic life.

Practice, practice, practice

Want to know my secret of being orgasmic? I started early and never stopped. I discovered pleasure as a kid, long before I was intimate with anyone else. And the journey has continued ever since. Some of the orgasms I know today haven’t come until I was in my 30s. And I know there’s still a lot to discover.

Discover your orgasmic potential

Yes, pleasure doesn’t come naturally at first to many women. And solving the climax puzzle takes more than a few tricks. Personally, I think it’s great that there’s more to having an orgasm than penetration. Well, to be honest, a penis is not necessary at all to feel pleasure. And this is good news!

Are you ready to learn more about your own orgasmic abilities? Are you ready to open up to feel pleasure in different ways, alone or with a partner or partners? Book a free consultation today and see how my tried and tested program “Here I Come!” can help you get there.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info!


Anka Grzywacz, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist and Certified Sex Coach. In her online practice she specialized in helping women with low desire, orgasm problems, and intimacy after baby. In 2019 she presented her "Good Enough Sex" philosophy at TEDx Zurich. Back in her home country, Poland, she hosted a nationwide radio show on sexuality and relationships at TOK FM Radio. Anka started out as sex educator, working with teenagers, and a reproductive rights activist. Today, she is based in Zurich, Switzerland.


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