The Five Lessons I Learned After Losing Three People I Loved
- Jun 26, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 28, 2023
Written by: Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Grief is like being lost in the woods without a map. When you lose someone you love, in my case my mother, I felt like I walked into a deep, dark forest and then couldn’t find my way out. Her loss was followed rapidly by the death of my sister – a loss intricately woven with anger after decades of resentment and mistrust. And then, just three months later, my Dad passed away. The trees closed in around me. I had no map to negotiate a path.
Finding emotional support was a challenge because I couldn’t find someone who had experienced multiple losses like me. When I turned to counselors, they asked questions but didn’t offer guidance, and often went straight to offering prescribed medications. I could have used those sleeping pills to end my life, and I did consider it, but instead, I just put one foot in front of the other every day and tried to find a way out into the sunlight.
I was left alone to learn how to grieve without any support. Even friends couldn’t handle the harsh realities of my devastating losses. As I continue to trek through the woods, I came across a book called Braving The Wilderness by Brené Brown. One quote absolutely stood out for me: "Belonging so fully to yourself that you're willing to stand alone is a wilderness — an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching." I needed this recognition that the very act of acknowledging that I was lost and alone was an act of courage and self-assurance. It meant I had embraced the uncertainties that come with self-discovery and was willing to navigate through the challenges and tensions that would arise along the way. I had to process this grief with courage and determination to brave through the barren land. And I also had to open my mind to the fact that every day I would learn something new, and sometimes painful, about myself. Here are the five pieces of knowledge I want to share:
1. You need space to recognize the uniqueness of your loss
I had to learn that each loss needed its own time to process and demanded different attention from me. Each person I lost was significant in my life but uniquely so.
Grief is a long journey so you must give it time. As C.S. Lewis wrote in Grief Observed: "I not only live each endless day in grief but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
2. Give yourself space from people who are impatient towards your pain
Most people could not withstand my grief. It was as if it was so unbearable that the hurt would linger in their own lives. I needed them to just be there with me. Instead, I quickly realized that grief is lonely. I took the high road of getting comfortable with discomfort.
3. Give yourself space to recognize the physical as well as the emotional impact of grief
Grief causes an array of physical symptoms. Lisa M. Shulman wrote about this beautifully in Before and After Loss: A Neurologist's Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain. I felt like I was permanently in fight or flight mode. Grief caused interruptions in my sleep, a dulling of my appetite, my heart rate to increase, and my focus to become tunneled. I put on weight gain and my skin became problematic. This impacted my confidence. I found myself retreating to the solitude of my room, seeking refuge from the outside world. The fear of judgment and scrutiny regarding my appearance and grief recovery journey consumed me. Despite escaping company, I wasn’t used to being alone so being alone caused so much distress in my mind and body.
4. Take time to really look at the emotions you are feeling and why
The sadness, anger, guilt, and shame hit me in all parts of my body. It was so terrifying that at points, I stopped my walk through the forest, found a big rock to sit on and cried.
There were other times when I hid my grief to avoid expressing my anger because nice women don't get angry. We’re told not to throw fury at folks. But when you hold bitterness for so long, it grows. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that at this time, I developed Stage One cancer. It was like a warning to admit my anger, especially at my sister whose own anger towards me I read about in her journal after she had passed away. It was a relief to admit how much it hurt and how angry I was at her for that. It was a relief to no longer hold back my emotional storms.
5. Share the journey: Embracing vulnerability and become a source of support for others
I realized that I had spent so much time learning to navigate back out of the woods, that I could use that wisdom to guide others as well.
I have a weekly podcast show called “Elevate Human Experiences” in which I discuss and explore what it means to be human. From mental health and grief journeys to lifestyle enhancements, we delve into various topics to provide practical and usable advice that empowers our listeners. Life can be challenging, but we believe it can be fun.
It has been a long journey to date, and my journey in grief is not over – it will never be. However, I am no longer in the deepest part of the woods, and I have mapped the trails that I followed to get where I am now.
I have learnt so much about how grief is treated within society but also learnt about my own fears and strengths. I hope now that what I have learnt will help others and that they can see through the trees that others are walking beside them.
Contact:
Email: info@sandylinda.com
Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses. Sandy helps her clients move from heartbreaking losses to a place where they can work towards healing and become fearless adventure leaders.
